A recap of my life

As promised, I have an update about everything that's been going on in my life lately. In all honesty, I don't even know where to begin.

A couple of weeks ago, I was with LRog because we both had the day off so we made it a point of having all day shenanigans together. We went to Arlington to pick up her pay check from the gym and we had lunch; it was a nice, big kid, leisurely affair. We eventually came back to this side of the pond and went to Target. It's official: no matter who I go in there with, I always walk out with shit that I do not need. LRog and I were walking around the men's department because the clothes are so much comfier. I ended up buying a hoodie, a flannel button-down (I totally needed it) and some other useless shit. We left there and went to the bar, I don't even think that it was 5 o'clock yet. Nothing ever stops our party. Her friend, the Corporal, came to hang out with us. I knew who he was when she mentioned his name because I facebook stalk/investigate. Technically, I had done no wrong because he came up as one of the friends that Facebook suggested for me. Anyway, he shows up at the bar and he is hot as shit in person. He smells delicious (always a plus), he's funny, he's all around kind of amazing. He's only kind of amazing because I'm more amazing, duh. We get along really well and we agree on the same things but we always disagree reasonably (meaning that I don't want to punch him in the face for expressing a different opinion). We've been hanging out a lot lately. He was semi-dating this girl when I met him and everything that he told me about her were red flags that she was crazy. I finally got to meet her at his birthday party. Bitch was crazy as fuck, legitimately. He was already pretty much over the situation but a small part of him was hoping that it would work out. Then I showed up, wearing heels and a dress (that only happens on rare occasions) and he forgot all about that crazy bitch. Oops.

The Corporal and I hang out so much that when his boys invite him out, they assume that I'm going to come too. That's not the case; I want him to continue spending time with his boys, I'm not one of those girls that will take over his life because I want to spend all my time with him. I need my space. Can we just talk about how he took me to dinner at his parents house?! He took me to meet his parents on the same day that we slept together (oops on my part). Seriously though, he asked me and the way he said it, I really didn't have a choice in saying no. I was mildly freaking out in the car (silently of course) because I was thinking about the significance of what was about to happen. I was totally overreacting. I take people guys or girls to meet my mom all the time just because it's not unheard of for her to stop by my place randomly. I checked with LRog to make sure that I wasn't going crazy/looking too much into the situation...I was. He takes people to his parents house all the time, she's been there plenty of times. I was totally relieved when she told me that. Whatever. I'm having fun with him and that's all that matters right now.


I'm a girl and at times, I like bedazzlement. I happened to be at the mall one day and something sparkly caught my eye out of my peripheral. My legs started moving before I could even register what it was. I walked into Victoria's Secret and stood there in front of the most amazing sight ever: an entire wall of PINK football themed attire. I couldn't care less about the Redskins shit because they're not my team but there was a shit ton of of Ravens stuff. LRog and I were actually speechless at how beautiful everything was. I wanted to buy everything because it was all black and purple, sequined and amazing. I'm not made of money so I settled for half of the shit...not even kidding.

I honestly don't know of anything else that has happened in my life recently. I've been so busy with work lately that my brain is fried.

While most people are out and about on a Saturday night, I will be at home cleaning my room...finally.

Shit my dad says

When my dad starts drinking, he starts saying some of the funniest, most random, awkward and inappropriate shit. Most of these things were said during a 48 hours period. When he drinks, he reminds me a lot of Ice Cube's dad in all the Friday movies.

People don't learn swag. Either they're born with it or they aren't. I was nice enough to pass it on to you when you were born. You can thank me later.

Daddy: Kiddo, do you love me?
Me: confused Of course I do, you're the best dad a girl could ask for.
Daddy: Then why is my wine glass still empty?!

Between your mother and my current wife, I think I like you the best. Sometimes, I'm still not sure.

Daddy: Mackenzie, I love you.
Me: What do you want?
Daddy: Nothing, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I loved you.
Me: I know Dad, but you tend to only say it that way when you want something.
Daddy: Well now that we're on the subject, go make me a sandwich.
Me: Seriously?
Daddy: Yes seriously. Why are you still sitting here? Go to the store and buy shit so that you can make me a sandwich.

Me: Dude, the waitress wants to know if you want another drink.
Daddy: Shh, they're about to score.
Me: I know, I see that but she's standing here and she wants to know about five minutes ago.
Daddy: blatantly checking the waitress out Honey, you can bring me whatever you want.
Waitress: trying not to laugh in his face Sure thing sir, I'll be right back with another round.
Me: Seriously dad, can you at least wait until she's not looking at you to check her out?
Daddy: Why? She should take it as a compliment. I mean shit, I'm good-looking for an old guy.
Me: That's only because you got your looks and your cool factor from me.
Daddy: laughing I don't think so. I was there when you were born. You were wrinkly and you were funny looking. You grew out of it a little bit but you've still got a ways to go.

One of the players for the 49ers intercepted the ball from the opposing team and ran it back for a touchdown. It was legit because he ran across half the field and nobody could touch him. When my dad saw it, he started shouting at the TV...
Daddy: Go boy, go! Run like the cops are chasing you!
It got real quiet in the bar because everyone turned to look at him. I was laughing so hard that beer shot out of my nose.
Me: Dad, what the hell is wrong with you?
Daddy: What? Why is everyone looking at me like that? The boy is black, it's not like he's never run from the cops before.

Daddy: Mackenzie, you see that ugly girl over there? She's got a big old phattie and she is working that dress.
Me: She's really not attractive at all.
Daddy: That ain't nothing that a bag won't fix.
Me: You are not alright.


To be continued...

Birthday pictures

So I finally saw the pictures from the birthday festivities. I would just like to reiterate how much I love my girls. They really are my partners-in-crime and they never cease to make my heart skip a beat. I was pretty hammered in some of these pictures but I think I look okay. Nice job keeping your shit together, face!

Somebody thought it was a good idea to let me play with daddy's iPad, that resulted in a photoshoot.

A few things on my mind today...

• I wish Chipotle delivered. And if any of the ones that I go to close down, I'm going to be very upset. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, please catch up here.
• Apparently, I met some guy when I was standing outside of the bar the other night. I don't know how we started talking but I ended up giving him my number. I saved his number in my phone as Officer Dan the Man... I think that's a great stripper name. I woke up to a text from him, making sure that I made it home okay. I actually had to lay in bed and think about who he was. I finally remembered and then I texted him back. We tentatively made plans for Sunday, my birthday; we made said plans based on how I felt. As you can imagine, I was pretty hungover and I legitimately thought I was dying while I was dry-heaving and holding on to my toilet for dear life. Anyway, turns out this guy is a DC cop and he patrols the neighborhood that Daddy lives in. When I told dude I wasn't feeling so hot and wasn't sure if I could be in public for a long period of time, he suggested that I come to his house. Excuse me?! I have seen way too many horror movies/episodes of Law & Order SVU to know that black girls don't make it out alive. I told him that, for safety reasons, I wasn't going to come to his house. He actually took offense to that. He called me to remind me that he was a cop. Yes Officer Dan the Man, I know what your profession is and that is the very reason why I'm not coming to your house. You probably have a gun/know how to use one, you have handcuffs and you are a cop. You could shoot me, cut me up into little pieces, spread my body across 5 states and no one would ever find me. I think I'll pass on that whole potential rape & murder scenario but thanks so much for the offer. We met in a public place for drinks and appetizers. He's kinda cute, just a little bit though. He has the potential to be clingy/needy. Homie don't play that. He's a nice guy and I would totally be friends with him but it would totally end there. I was thinking about this when I was on my way home from meeting up with him...I've been alone for so long that I'm comfortable with it. At this point, starting a relationship just seems like such a hassle and so much work. He's definitely not one I want to put in work with. I haven't really found anyone like that, which leads me to believe that I will end up alone. I guess it's a good thing that I'm allergic to cats. 
• I went through my friends list on Facebook and deleted a shit ton of people. I haven't talked to them in years, they live in states that are more than 6 hours away, blah blah blah. There were some people that I just couldn't delete because they're just so active on their Facebook and they post a lot of pictures. Is it bad that I just like looking at people's pictures? I don't really care if I know them or not. There are some people that I deleted and then blocked because I just really didn't like them and I did it mainly out of spite. One thing that does piss me off is when stupid bitches comment on someone else's status that I commented on, like I'm not going to fucking see it. Like you always said...exercise some act right, bitch.
• Since I started my job back in October, I haven't taken a day off. I've been sick twice: once I had food poisoning and the other time, I was having serious asthma problems (reason #50 billion as to why i should stop smoking). Yesterday was the first day that I took off. I was willing to go without pay for it because I just wanted the damn day off, but they found a way for me to get paid...even better. I woke up yesterday morning and I panicked because I thought I was super late for work and then I came to my senses. I proceeded to stay in bed until noon and read Twilight. Don't judge me! It was a beautiful day and I did pretty much nothing and I totally deserved it. But part of my mind wouldn't stop wondering what was going on at work and what I was missing in terms of emails. I really do love my job but I really wish that it would stop getting in my head on days when I shouldn't have to worry about it. 

Song of the day is by Mac Miller. He's this 20something kid from Pittsburgh and he's currently on tour with Wiz Khalifa, I'm totally going to see them when they come to town. Enjoy...

Everyday, I'm shuffling.

 I went to the beach for Memorial Day weekend, best decision ever. We had such a good time, it was one big shitshow. I don't usually go out and get crazy but this time, I really didn't give a shit. All we did was drink copious amounts of alcohol, lay on the beach and party like it was our job. You only live once so you might as well make that shit as fun as possible. If any of you have ever been to Seacrets in OC, you know how big that place is. Somehow, I lost my friends for an hour but it was fine because I made more friends and we drank. I pissed in the men's bathroom way too many times...the line for the women's bathroom is always long as shit and I had to pee real bad! I got crucially sunburnt because I fell asleep in the sun and nobody wanted to wake me up because I hate being awakened when I'm not ready to wake up. Thanks fuckers! Now which one of you bitches is going to rub aloe all over my body?!?!

I'm a huge fan of he Baltimore Ravens. I sleep in Willis McGahee jersey every night before game day and I wear a Ray Rice jersey every game day. They are my boys and no matter what happens, I will always love them. I said all that to say that I met Ray Rice on the beach. I was laying there on my towel, minding my own business and he was with his friends not more than 10 feet away. When I first saw him, I immediately creamed myself. Once I recovered, I tried not to cause a scene so that he would see me. I was trying to formulate a plan of action when he started talking to me. Ray Rice started talking to me, I creamed myself again. He asked me what my name was and the usual shit like that and then he asked me if I wanted to play catch. I'm sorry, whaaaaat? That was my first mistake, I should have freaking played catch with him. He legit started flirting with me. I was wearing nothing but a bikini so there wasn't much to be left to the imagination. He saw the tattoo that wraps around my hip and then he touched it, he rubbed my tattoo and said that he liked it. That was his first mistake. I don't care who you are, I do not like being touched. And the fact that I have thought about you bending me over every single piece of furniture in my apartment is completely irrelevant. I don't like being touched and I told him that, he laughed it off. I will not compromise myself or my values just because you made me cream myself in a 30 second span just by being near me! He told me that I was going to be his date to Party Block on 17th Street. They were leaving at 145 and I should meet them in the hotel lobby so that I could ride with them. Again...I'm sorry, whaaaat?! Ray Rice just told me to be his date to a freaking party. I'm in there like motherfucking swimwear. I love it when I man takes control and tells me what I'm going to do, within reason of course. I had an hour before I needed to be in his hotel lobby. At that point I should have gone back to the room and freshened up a little bit; I was hot and sweaty, I reeked of alcohol, I was slightly intoxicated, I was just a hot fucking mess. I decided that taking a power nap in the sun was a much better idea because I didn't want to get there and be tired an hour later. I told my friends to wake me up at 130. Mind you, we're laying on the beach in the middle of the afternoon when it's hot as balls and there isn't a cloud in the sky. I wake up at 3 o'clock because I was parched as shit. I grabbed a gross, hot beer and downed the whole thing. Then I looked at my watch and freaked the fuck out. How could I have fucked this up? The only thing I had to do was be ready at 145 so that I could ride with them to the bar. I was pissed as shit. And on top of it, my "power nap" was the reason I got a crucial sunburn. I met Ray Rice and fucked it up. I'm still bitter about that shit.

Summer, I'm ready for you. You better bring your A game because we will tear your ass up if you don't. 

Song of the day...fast-forward to about 1:25. Turn it up real loud and get ready to rage, I know we did all weekend. Enjoy!

Blah

Ordinarily I'm so gung-ho about posting but I've really got nothing today. I've been so worn out with work and studying for finals (one more week!) that I really haven't had energy for anything else. Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. I'm going to a concert with my BFF tomorrow night. I get out of class around 1215, she gets off work around 3. The only reason I won't start drinking until after she get off work is that I need to be able to drive to her house safely. On my way, I will be picking up beer/liquor. I promise that tomorrow, I will have an "alcohol-induced" post for you. It might just be a picture post, depending on how thirsty we are.  

Song of the day: This one seriously makes me think of Little Chief Swag, I can see him singing Drake's verse while he drives my car. And this song/video always, without fail, makes me want to bone. I'm pretty sure the first time I heard it, Little Chief Swag and I were doing it...Enjoy!

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight fish on Mars.

Reasons why I won't date you

This is for you, it's too bad that you will probably never read this. But just in case you do...

You think that Michigan is in Ohio. I'm sorry, what did you just say to me? Her boyfriend lives in Ohio and she's in Michigan visiting him, Michigan's like a huge city in Ohio. What? Why are you looking at me like that?


You want to buy me jewelry for my birthday. First of all, what makes you think that you're going to be around until then (we had that conversation at the begin of March and my birthday's in June)? Second of all, I don't want anything from you, don't take it personally because I'm like that with all guys. He really did take it personally and had to walk away because he was about to cry. This really makes me sound like a horrible person.


You insist on paying for everything. I'm sorry but that's just not how I was raised. I have a job and I can carry my weight financially. I don't need you to, nor do I want you to, pay for everything. Nor do I want you to give me cash when I say that I don't have any. You're not a bank. I already have one, it's called Bank of America.


You insist on seeing me everyday, regardless of what I'm doing or what time of day it is. I understand that you went out drinking with your friends but it's 2AM and I'm in bed, I have no desire to get out of bed to let you in because I have no desire to see you. You're drunk and you want to bone. Not happening. And furthermore, you coming over to try and bone would most likely be a waste of time because you're so drunk that you probably wouldn't be able to get it up. I work 9 to 5 and I'm in school, I need my sleep so go away.


You are very annoying and you seem to think it's funny. You're not that funny and your stupid antics piss me off. Your nickname is Goof, I should have known better. 


You want to talk after sex. No. I will fully admit that I should not have slept with you but you were just so cute and we had both been drinking. Either way, I should have freaking known better. We had sex and I was hot and sweaty afterwards, that's a good sign. I was then immediately ready to pass out. I didn't want to cuddle and I sure as hell didn't want to talk. You then proceeded to shake me and tickle me in order to keep me awake so that we can watch a movie and talk at 2 in the morning. You're going to make me cause severe physical pain to your body. 


You tickle me. I hate being tickled more than anything in this world. You can ask my brother, I've given him multiple bloody noses because he thought tickling me was funny. It's not. I will assault you then I will look at you while you're writhing in pain and tell you to man up because every action has a reaction. 


You get mad when I don't tell you what I'm thinking. Seriously? Get the fuck out of my head. If I'm staring off into space with a dazed look on my face, leave me alone because I'll come back to earth when I'm good and ready. When you ask me what's wrong and I say nothing, you actually get mad because you think I'm lying. Nothing was wrong until you pissed me off. 


You are really emotional. You post this on Facebook "i seriously miss u alot. like seriously i miss u sooooo much. i wish we could be together" I  seriously don't want to hear that shit. I don't even say shit like that and if I ever did, I sure as hell wouldn't post it on Facebook. I wake up to a text saying that you really miss me and I saw you less than 12 hours before. I'm not very emotional. In fact, my ex-boyfriends have called me a frigid bitch on multiple occasions. It has to be the right place and the right time for me to tell a guy that I miss them. And furthermore, I will not cry in front of you unless I am in extreme physical pain.


I think that you're really irresponsible. I can handle my liquor; you, on the other hand, are a very sloppy drunk. And to make matters worse, you will spend $100 on the bar tab (understand that it's your own personal tab) even though we've only been there for 30 minutes. And then you expect me to let you drive me home. Are you insane? I'd like to live for another 100 years. Then you get mad at me because I won't get in the car with you. This may sound really bad but you are definitely not the last person I want to see before I die. 


You're 23 but you act like a child sometimes...most of the time. I'm not a babysitter so I have no desire to follow up after you to make sure that you're making the right decisions and handling the shit that you need to. To me, car payments are more important than buying the latest pair of Jordan's...just saying.


You really are a good-looking guy but all of those things make you very unattractive in my eyes. These are the reasons that I will never date you. I hope this somehow finds it's way to you because these words are a lot nicer than anything I could ever say to your face. 


Song of the day, enjoy...

Humpday

Today was such a blah day, I really thought nothing of it. But last night was a good night, that's probably the reason I'm having such a blah day...blame it on the 100 proof Captain Morgan rum that my BFF made me drink. She had sushi night at her house. I should have documented it but I was too busy dancing, eating her sushi and drinking. She tries to have sushi shindigs every couple of weeks. She doesn't buy the pre-made sushi, that would be so elementary for her. She likes to get creative so she makes all the sushi herself. She had a bunch of people come over and we just hung out and ate, my favorite thing to do. For the record, Mackenzie does not do well with 100 proof liquor of any kind. It always leads to complete unproductivity to the next day, it's a miracle that I'm even writing a new post. In other news, enjoy some mellow music while you read the rest of this post...

(It sounds better if you turn it up loud, I promise)

I was going through my closet this morning for something to wear to work. That's a daily struggle even though I have a fuck ton of clothes...they just need more company. I periodically go through my closet, clean it out and give the shit that I don't want to the Salvation Army. My parents say that I have a problem with shopping; it's not like I have a drug problem so relax. Summer's coming and I couldn't be more thrilled about that. My absolute must-haves for said wonderful season are funky colored bikinis, long dresses (preferably with crazy patterns), flip-flops and light sweaters. I keep spares of those things in my trunk because I like to be unpredictable and have a wardrobe to match. I was Internet window shopping and came across one that I would like to have on my person, like yesterday...

Parker Rectangle Print Long Dress @Shopbop.com

I'm hungry so I'm going to go stuff my face for the 50th time today.

Later you sexy bitches!