The saleswoman was a stupid twat & I nearly karate chopped a stranger in his throat

As previously stated, when I left work, I had some errands to run. My first stop was Blue Mercury. I could have very well gone to the mall but I really wasn't feeling all the traffic/stupid people getting there. For those of you that don't know, Blue Mercury is a cosmetics store that sells high end cosmetics, candles, fragrances and a whole bunch of other girly shit. Here's their website, should you get bored and want something to look at. My sole purpose for going there was to pick up some new perfume. I was at the mall last week with my mom and because I like to touch stuff, I went around spraying perfume on the little paper strips. This perfume that I fell in love with is called Sexy 9 (oddly enough). I kept the little scent strip and I've been orgasming over it ALL week. Today is pay day, so I figured that I would go buy it. You know that Marcy Playground song, "Sex & candy"? If not, you can listen to it here. The only reason that I brought it up is because the perfume smells so good that it might as well smell like sex and Chipotle. True story. Anyway, the women there work on commission so it would really behoove them to be nice, right? Apparently, this bitch thought she was too cool for school and that I wasn't worth her time. She should have just continued to sit her ugly, way-too-much-makeup-wearing ass behind the counter and I would have been just fine. Instead, she comes over to ask me if I needed help and said it with such a nasty tone that she might as well have said "what do you want?". Well you stupid little bitch, I want perfume. I already had the perfume in question in my hand. I was just going to get the small size because I change perfume and rotate the ones that I have so frequently. Sometimes, I just get sick of them all together. She tried to get me to buy the bigger bottle, the one that was 50 ml. I looked at the size of the smaller one and the bigger one; just out of curiosity, I wanted to know how much the bigger one was. She was nice enough (not!) to tell me that it was $98. Excuse me?!? Please keep in mind that the bigger bottle is essentially a normal size bottle of perfume.


This is how our conversation went after that:

Me: Let me get this straight. For $98, this bottle of perfume is going to do some Love Potion #9 type shit and make every guy that I come across fall madly in love with me. Correct?

Stupid bitch: looks at me like I'm crazy No.

Me: But it'll definitely make Willis McGahee, Ray Rice and Kevin Durant ask for my hand in marriage and then ask me to do the honor of having their babies, correct?

Stupid bitch: No, it won't do that either.

Me: as pleasantly as possible No, it isn't going to do that for me? Okie dokie. Well in that case, you can take that bottle and shove it up your ass.

The look on her face was priceless. Clearly, my mouth was firing off faster than my brain could react. Oops. She picked the wrong day to be a bitch to me. I bought the little bottle and made sure that that woman didn't get the sale. Stupid twat. Seriously though, this perfume smells delicious.

My next stop was Target. I've come to the conclusion that I really cannot go in there alone. Bad things always happen to my bank account when I do. With that being said, I went in there for toothpaste, mouthwash, shower gel, toilet paper and lint brushes. That's 5 items right there. I got all of those and then some. I used to have sock monkey slippers but I wore them all the time so consequently, they fell apart. So I ended up getting a new pair of slippers because they were cute and I had to have them. I was in the slippers/sock section and I saw the cutest knee high socks with polka dots and all that good shit. I threw about 5 different pairs in the cart...you can never have too many pairs of socks. I also saw some cute tie dye  undies that I absolutely needed to have because they're tie dye, duh! And then I got to the workout wear section, I actually paused there and I have no idea why. I don't workout and I have no need for workout clothes. My inner fake-me-out-workout-Barbie got the best of me and I saw a pair of athletic pants that I HAD to have. At that point, I had to pull myself away from the clothes and go to the checkout before I blew my entire paycheck on freaking shit that I absolutely do not need. I was standing in line and I saw some DVDs, I should have just looked away. Of course, I grabbed the one with the pink cover because I'm kinda girly sometimes. I didn't even look at the title; for all I knew, it could have been a Pink Panther movie. Luckily, when I started putting shit up on the conveyor belt, my sanity kicked back in and I looked at all the useless shit that I was about to purchase. Remove 50 billion pairs of adorable socks, super cute underwear and a purse that I managed to snag along the way, I spent $70ish on shit that I actually needed. Turns out the movie that I grabbed was Bridesmaid. Winning!!

I sat in bumper to bumper traffic on the way home but at least I had something to look forward to: beer, comfy new slippers, my flannel pjs and my couch. Not to mention the fattiest, greasiest Chinese food that I ordered for lunch and couldn't finish. The fact that I couldn't finish it might have something to do with the fact that I ordered sushi with it as well. What can I say? It's never too late to start packing on winter weight. I actually laughed as I typed that, me actually putting on weight is a very hard thing to do. 


When I pulled up in front of my building, I started stuffing my arms with shit because I refused to make a second trip out to the car, in the rain. God forbid! I was walking down the sidewalk to the front door and this creeper came up to me and asked if he could buy toilet paper off of me for $5. I was momentarily confused. There's a Spanish market around the corner that sells everything you could possibly need. Why are you talking to me right now?!?!? The guy wouldn't leave me alone and he followed me to the front door of the building. Seriously dude, fuck off!! I nearly karate chopped this fool in his throat with my free hand. He finally got the message and decided to crawl into a hole and die. That's probably not what he did but one can always hope.

I sincerely hope that each and every one of you has a better Friday than I did. Here's to hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

How I spent my weekend

So Friday night, I had absolutely no intention of going out because I wanted to go home, drink and finish reading Twilight. I'm not even kidding. I was halfway through my third beer when I realized that it was also my last beer. I was slightly buzzed so there was no desire to drive to the store. Smart girl that I am, I called Mommy. I told her to come over so that she could see the bookcases that I built because they looked so nice, and asked her to stop by the beer store on her way over. I didn't think it was going to work but it did. She came over and used her spare key to come in. I knew I shouldn't have given her one. She looked in my fridge and told me to get dressed. She clearly didn't like what she saw: an empty corona box, hot sauce, pickles, mustard, MD 20/20. I like to keep it classy. She was worried that I wouldn't have any food and that I would drive to get some if I got hungry. She was completely disregarding the plethora of Chinese food sitting on the ottoman in front of me. I was hungry when I ordered it so I ordered enough for 4 people; of course I ate it all that night. She said the only way I was getting more beer was if she could buy me groceries too. She drives a hard bargain.

It's nice to go grocery shopping when you're drunk and don't have to worry. She got me a shit ton of food, she was literally walking down the aisles and throwing shit in the cart. She was getting stuff that I haven't eaten since I was little but it's all good. I'm a hungry hungry hippo so I'll inhale that shit. We finally went to the beer store and then we went home. We took all the shit inside and she saw the bookcases. She was actually impressed with how clean my apartment was. Clearly, she doesn't come over very often because my apartment is always clean as shit. As usual, she went thru my closet and all my drawers to make sure that I didn't have any of her shit. I hate it when she does that. I'm her only child, it's my job to steal borrow her stuff, duh.  We finally settled in on the couch to read. She didn't want to read my vampire book so she read my Cosmo instead. I would have read it out loud to her! She left around midnight to go home and made me promise that I wasn't going anywhere. At this point, I was pretty drunk and swore up and down that I wasn't going to leave my apartment.

I sprawled out on the couch and continued reading while also revamping my blog and playing around on Stumbleupon.com. That shit is addictive! I was halfway through the book, done with the blog and ready to go to bed. It was 3 AM at this point. My neighbor came home with 2 sluttactic girls. I've never actually met this guy but I've heard that he's a weirdo. I didn't really get a good look at him though the peephole, that thing's only so big! I was fairly certain that they were going to have a threesome. I have no idea what led me to that conclusion but I was eagerly awaiting the sounds of fornication. I sat on the floor in my living room, with a glass held up to the wall, with my ear attached to it. I sat and listened, all I could hear them talking about was what he was going to play. I was confused. Were they going to play a game? That's lame. And then I heard it. I would recognize Elton John anywhere. This man was playing Tiny Dancer, on the piano! I got so excited that I nearly dropped the glass and broke it. He was serenading girls with Elton John. What? I was actually kinda confused because he looked a little too goth for all that. He played some other songs, some I didn't recognize. He plays really well; I sat there for awhile and listened through the wall. This is a sign that I'm going to be that crazy, nosy neighbor when I get older. It's a good thing that I'm allergic to cats!


I spent the rest of the weekend on the couch, drinking, finishing Twilight and starting New Moon. I woke up this morning and immediately wished that the day was already over so that I could come home to drink and read. This might be a problem. I thought about the day and then realized that tomorrow is Tuesday. I start back at the restaurant tomorrow morning; I'll be doing doubles on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I actually curled up in the fetal position and cried a little bit. I. HATE. THE. RESTAURANT. You're probably thinking that it can't be that bad. No, it really is and the worst part is that it sucks you in like a black hole. I just keep reminding myself that I'm only there to make money for new furniture. I can do this...right?!

Houston, we have a problem!

So I met this guy while I was driving home a couple of weeks ago. I was literally in my car, driving. I was in the far left hand lane and I needed to get over two lanes because my turn was coming up on the right hand side. I put my blinker on like the responsible driver that I am and I sped up to cut off the car next to me. Said car, a very nice Range Rover, sped up as well so I slowed down to get behind him. He slowed down as well; I looked over to see what this asshole looked like and the guy was waving at me and telling me to lower my window. I started laughing because I thought he was awkward. We ended up coming to a red light and I finally rolled down my window to see what the hell he wanted. He thought I was pretty and I made him work so hard to get my attention; he felt that I should have at least given him my name. He seemed nice so I gave him my number too. What the hell was I thinking?!? I think that was the problem, I just wasn't thinking. We made plans to get coffee the next day. 

 He was 45 minutes late for our coffee date.I was patient and I waited, it was a nice day so I sat outside and read while I waited for him. Mistake, I should have just left. He's Lebanese and "fresh off the boat", his words not mine. He's been in the US since he was 15, mind you, and he's 27 now. He was funny and he kinda reminded me of Ali G with some of his mannerisms...he's extremely Arab. Now don't get me wrong,I'm totally ok with that. In Lebanon, Arabic and French are the national languages of the country. I speak French, he doesn't. I find that very strange for someone that spent all of their formative years in a French-speaking Arab country. He did tell me that he spoke the language but every time I tried to have a conversation with him in French, he would respond in English.I thought that was weird. He was nicely dressed (True Religion jean, Prada loafers, a Faconnable button down, Gucci sunglasses) and I was wearing yoga pants and a hoodie because I really didn't feel like getting dressed that morning. We talked about what I did for a living and what he did as well. He has his own shipping company. He owns a shipping company. That explains his wardrobe. He kept looking at his watch, he said that it had stopped and it was really bothering him. I looked at it and wasn't the least bit surprised to see that he was wearing a Rolex. My dad has one so I know how much they cost. Anyone with good credit and enough money to make the car payments can buy a Range Rover but not anybody can just walk into the store and drop 8 grand on a Rolex. He was talking about how he used to buy Benzs (plural, as in he had several at once) from the dealership across from the restaurant where I used to work. I wasn't sure if this guy was telling the truth or just bullshitting me but I definitely called a friend that works at the dealership once I got home. This guy really is who he says he is. 

 We went out a few days later and that's when things started going rapidly downhill. We had plans to do dinner and a movie; I didn't want him picking me up at my house (safety reasons) so I met him at the movie theater and he drove us to the restaurant. I have never feared for my life when I've been in the car while someone else is driving. I swear on all that is holy, this guy is the craziest driver I have ever seen. He pays no attention to the lane markings on the highway, he completely disregards the speed limit, and when taking the exit ramp on the highway, his brakes are completely irrelevant. I came quite close to kissing the ground when he parked the car and I got out. He took me to the soft opening of a restaurant. It was such a cute place, I really liked the atmosphere. We sat at the bar and things were fine until he felt that the bartender was hitting on me; said bartender is gay. The guy I was with then took it upon himself to invade my personal space and let the entire world know that we were there together. I asked him nicely to stop touching me, he complied...until we went to the movies. While still at the restaurant, I was talking about how I was going to the Bahamas this summer with my boys. He was shocked that I had the audacity to make such plans and voiced his dislike for me going somewhere with guys. I tried not to laugh in his face. Keep in mind that we're essentially on our second date. The bartender heard the conversation and tried to suppress his laughter as well. In an effort to change the subject, I asked the guy I was with how he got invited to the restaurant before it even opened. He said that he had a Centurion card. For those of you that aren't familiar with it, it's also called the Black card. It's for big-baller-shot-caller Amex customers. It was at that point that I should have gotten up and left because I knew no good come out of the rest of the evening. 

We went to the movie theater to buy the tickets and we had a lot of time before the movie actually started so we walked around. We walked passed a store window and I stopped to look at a bikini that I liked. He told me that I would look amazing in it and I could be his own personal Halle Berry. Excuse me? No, I will not be your own personal anything. He went to Starbucks to sit for a little bit. He tried to sit in the same armchair as I did. I hate that more than anything; unless you are my boyfriend or my mother (neither of which you are), I will not share a seat with you. It's not that I dislike sharing or whatever, I just don't like unnecessary touching. He asked me if I had any tattoos. I have two, one behind my ear and one on my hip. The second can only be seen if I'm in a bikini, I'm naked or I'm getting undressed. He insisted that I show it to him, in public. I refused and said that he would be lucky if he got far enough to actually see me in one of those various states of dress/undress. He then told me that he didn't approve of girls with tattoos and suggested that I get them removed. Really?! My tattoos are permanent and if you have a problem with them, then you have a problem with me. I should have left at that point because he was starting to get crazy . For some reason, I stayed. We went to the movie and the minute the lights went out, he turned into a horny 15 year old boy. He kept trying to get his hand close enough to stroke my girlie parts, through my jeans. I kept pushing his hand away and finally I sunk my nails into him because he just wasn't getting the message. During the entire movie, he kept muzzling my cheek and trying to kiss me. I should have left, but I didn't. 

After the movie, he drives me back to my car. As my hand is on the door handle, I turn and say thank you for the nice evening, I will see you soon. Before I could finish my sentence, he grabs my face and MAULS me. I have never been mauled in my life; it was probably the most awkward and uncomfortable thing I have ever gone through. I elbowed him in the throat to extricate myself from his wandering hands. He wasn't pleased with that, I didn't give a fuck. We were on our second date. I wasn't quite sure what kind of girl he thought I was, but I sure as hell wasn't planning on sleeping with him. It was 1230 at night at this point, I was tired and I wanted to go home so I got out of his car and got in mine. He walked around to the driver's side and begged me to come home with him. I laughed in his face and told him to go hang out with his friends. He said that he'd much rather hang out with his GIRLFRIEND (meaning me!) than his friends. Again, we were on our second date. At this point, I was convinced that he was crazy. I told him that I had homework to do the next day and that I was going home. He grabbed my hand and in all seriousness said "You should think about quitting school. You're a beautiful woman, you shouldn't have to worry about getting an education because I will take of you and the children, once that happens". I seriously laughed in his face and then I drove away. This man has lost his man. 

He is very Arab and old-fashioned. He believes that women are meant to be home-makers, but he adds his own Muslim twist to that. Culturally, that's fine because I wouldn't dare mock anyone's beliefs. But when you start to impose those beliefs on me (beliefs that I don't agree with), that's when there will be problems. I grew up in the States and my parents raised me to be inquisitive and opinionated. They also raised me to believe that I need an education and a degree; I agree with them. How am I going to get that job making 6 figures if I don't have a piece of paper that says I'm qualified? I've been working every day since I was 16, I have no intentions of quitting my job and sitting at home taking care of children all day. For other people, that's fine but not for me. I like making money because I'm greedy and I can never have too much of it. But I really don't care that this guy is filthy fucking rich, he is a crazy prick that I want nothing to do with. 

He will not stop calling me. I refuse to answer the phone or respond to his texts. He's left voicemails telling me how much he missed me and how he really wanted to see me. He even left me a booty call voicemail, saying that he was at home and that he was really hard and he wanted me to call him back so that he could give me directions to his house so that I could come over and ride his dick. I laughed really hard at that one. Imagine someone saying that with an Arab accent, then it becomes a lot funnier. He seriously won't stop calling though, I haven't returned any form of contact. He even went to the dealership to ask the guy that he buys cars from if he had my number. Randy didn't have my number and wasn't about to ask around to see if anybody did. Best believe that I got a phone call the next day from one of my boys that works there, letting me know that some crazy guy came in asking for my number so that he could verify it with the one he has. He is really starting to annoy me. I do not want to see him again, I don't want to talk to him again and I would really appreciate it if he would stop calling me altogether. I'm really glad that he has no idea where I live because he would probably sit outside my apartment and wait for me to come home. He's such a creeper. That's what I get for meeting a guy while driving home.