Sometimes, things go awry for a reason

It's only the middle of January but I've gotten into so many disagreements with people this year that's it's ridiculous. Bitches hate me, true story.

The Corporal and I "broke up" (I don't know what the proper term is for people that are in limbo). He's not in a good place in his life right now blah blah blah. But he still really wants me in his life as a friend. His relationships with people are super important to him. Him sucking my dick is really important to me but we can't always get what we want. When the situation first fell apart, I was sad about it and then I actually started getting pissed. There were so many things about him that I didn't like but I ignored them because they were things that a girlfriend would get pissed about. I compromised my views and essentially my comfort level for some shit. It wasn't even worth it. Now that I'm fully over the situation, I don't even think that I want to be friends with him. I do however want to keep him around (on Facebook and through the grapevine) so that he knows that he missed his chance at something great and I want him to eat his heart out come summertime when I look freaking hot as shit.

Apparently, all my female friends now hate me. It literally happened over night and none of them had the decency to actually say anything to my face about us having an issue. I have no respect for shit like that. As adults, we should all be able to communicate properly...silly me for thinking that. I confronted LRog this morning about her hating me and got nowhere. I suspect that she now dislikes me because of her new bff, Fingerbang, hates me. Here's a brief background for you: LRog introduced me to the Corporal and through him, I became really good friends with his bff, Ali Baba. I think at one point, it really bothered the Corporal and I addressed that issue with him. He assured me that everything was fine and that wasn't an issue; he lied, he's good at that. Ali Baba was dating Fingerbang but she decided to be a little whore at the same time by fucking other people and playing games with him. He finally cut the cord and told her to go screw herself. What sucked is that he really cared about her and her son; she took advantage of him and his feelings and made a mockery of him around Bethesda. She's jealous of the fact that he and I have become so close. She had the chance to be there for him and be apart of his life and she fucked it up. Don't hate me because you're a stupid bitch.  I legit have no desire to go out in Bethesda anymore because I don't want to run into any of those stupid bitches...bitches be tripping, yo!

Update on the drama: Fingerbang had sent me a Facebook invite for her son's birthday party. I hadn't planned on going because it was going to be chokfull of drama. I just logged on to delete the event because I was tired of it telling me that I had an event...little things like that bother me. I couldn't find the event in my list of tings. WTF? It was there the other day, now I don't know where it went. It took me a few minutes to realize that it wasn't there anymore because she uninvited me. I actually started laughing at that point. Joke's on you Fingerbang, thanks for letting me know that you were thinking about me XOXO.

Seriously though, I'm over this month already. I want it to be President's Day weekend so that I can be in Dallas. I cannot wait, I might or might not be counting the days.

Letter that you'll never read

Dear Corporal,

When I first met you, I wanted you. I loved your attitude, your personality and the fact that you smelled amazing didn't hurt either. You were dating someone at the time but when I met her at your birthday party, I didn't like her. At that point, I made it my mission to step in and take her place. Mission accomplished. I loved going out with you and your friends. More importantly, I grew to love your friends as if they were my own and we had known each other for years. We all did so much together and it became a given that when they asked you to come out and chill that I would be right there with you. Everywhere I went in Bethesda, I became known as "your girl". People that knew me from before you and I got together even started calling me that. We got so many compliments because people thought we made a great couple. That always made things a little awkward because we had never really had "the talk" about what we were doing and all that good shit. It was obvious to everyone around that we cared about each other. I came over to bring you medicine when you were sick and I sat with you for hours. I took your temperature, I gave you dayquil/nyquil, I went out in a thunderstorm  (huge thing because I had just got my hair straightened the day before) to get you food because KFC doesn't deliver. I brought you red bull while you were being all Scruff McGruff and taking a bite out of crime. I brought you starbucks because you were too lazy and hungover to drive over there and get it yourself. We had fun, we laughed, we joked, we cuddled, we had sex...we had pointless conversations and we quoted Family Guy. Then everything changed overnight.

Nine months and 8 weeks ago, you got a girl pregnant. You made sure to tell me first before I had heard it from anyone else. You said that you thought the baby was yours but you weren't sure. I knew you and I was positive that the baby was in fact yours. You took a paternity test after the baby was born, just to be sure but we all already knew the answer. Having found out this information, most girls would have gone sprinting in the opposite direction. I didn't...hindsight is 20/20. You asked me to be patient and see how the situation played out. Obviously, things as we knew them would never go back to being the same for anyone involved in the situation. I was happy for you and I wanted to meet your baby, you said that I could. That all changed when the baby mama realized that you and I were dating. She hated me, she resented me for the sheer fact that I was standing in the way of her and a happy relationship with the father of her child. Newsflash bitch: he doesn't want to be with you. I had absolutely nothing against her. In fact, I admired her for going through a pregnancy and then giving birth to YOUR child all by herself. That shit can't be easy for anyone to do.

Things changed between us. Your best friend told me that I wasn't making enough of an effort to show that I cared so I tried harder to hang out with you and all that good shit. I was the only one trying. I was the only one that was showing that I cared and that kills me because the easiest way to get me to pursue you is to ignore me. Nothing pisses me off more. After awhile, I just stopped asking you if you wanted to hang out with me and I just started hanging out with my boys again. When I walked in the door of your apartment last night, things didn't even feel right. We sat on the couch and watched Family Guy, we half-heartedly cuddled. We finally got in the bed and that entire situation just felt awkward. I was on one side of the bed and you were on the other. I was awakened at 4 in the morning with this uncontrollable urge to get dressed and leave your apartment, never to return again. I had to pace in your living room for a good 20 minutes before I could calm down and get back in the bed. The entire time, you were snoring your little heart out.

I really care about you and we had a lot of fun together but this whole "relationship" has been so one-sided with me being the only one that's making an effort. Don't think for a second that I'm mad at you for having a baby and wanting to be a part of his life. I have so much respect for you for that reason. What I don't appreciate is that I'm not allowed to meet your baby at all because his mother won't allow me to. You say that you care about me and that I'm important to you so I really don't understand why I cannot sit down with the mother of your child and have an adult conversation with her. I'd like to meet her and get to know her because I know that she's important to you and you care about her as well. I'm not allowed to basically be around you and the baby yet you can go to Hooters and meet all of our friends and play pass the baby?!?    That hurts me more that you'll ever know. The worst part is that I've communicated my feelings to you on numerous occasions and you've done nothing about it. I could never hold a candle to her because she's the mother of your child and you will always have a special relationship. Does she even know that?

I don't know why I stuck around for so long after the fact. I don't know what I was waiting for or if I was even waiting for anything but I do know that this isn't a fun game anymore. I wish you the best of luck and I don't doubt that you'll make an amazing father.

I know you'll never read this letter but I just had to get it out before I break down and start crying about it...that's not cute and it'll mess up my eye make-up. Priorities, duh.

Happy New Year

This really isn't how I envisioned my New Year's post going but sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measures.

It's a little after 10AM and I'm already cracked out on Red Bull. I like the huge 20oz cans, it's kinda bad. My diet consists of Red Bull, alcohol, Chipotle, sushi and pasta. Nom nom nom. I started working out with a personal trainer and he kicks my ass every time I see him.

I'm sitting here getting my hair dyed and cut. Now is as good a time as ever for a change. I was just on the phone with my friend Ali Baba and he was nice enough to inform me that you dye eggs and you color hair...he's straight. We've become such good friends so quickly but in all honesty, I wouldn't change anything that's happened as of late. The Corporal has a baby, our entire group of friends has split up, everyone is sleeping with or trying to sleep with everyone else. There's so much drama and nonsense but I've come to realize that it's our drama and nonsense and I wouldn't trade it for the world...the fighting shows that we care about each other. That's my backwards logic for you. The Corporal's baby isn't mine, I promise. It was a situation that happened before I even knew him...fast forward a little over 9 months and the little nugget is 6 weeks old. I respect the fact that he wants to be there for the baby even though he doesn't want to be with the mother. The whole thing put a brief rift in out "situation but I can't change anything about it so I've learned to live with it. The baby mama hates me because she wants to be with the Corporal because he knocked her up, totally logical thought process. I think there could be any other chick in my place and she'd still feel the same way. It's fine if she's threatened by me but she needs to understand that I can never hold a candle to her simply because she's the mother of his child. More details to come as the story develops.

I always try to make New Year's resolutions and they never stick. This year, I just want to enjoy the little things and all the little moments that I usually take for granted. This year, I want to take more pictures. This year, I want to have more fun than I've ever had in my life with the people that matter the most. This year, I take no mercy on life.

2012, get ready to be my bitch.
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I've failed you yet again

The minute I start to actually breathe again, things get crazy and I literally have not been able to catch a break. I've been getting about four hours of sleep every night and I'm dying. I cannot wait to take my final next week.
In the past four days, I've gone from having two jobs to having four jobs. My mother's not talking to me anymore, my dad doesn't seem to care about what's going on. Little Chief Swag won't stop texting and calling me, the Corporal tells me that at this stage in our "relationship", it's nice that I'm still on my best behavior.
What the fuck is going on here?!?! I want to high-five everyone in the face, with a chair. So this is the fuckery that is my life right now...I went out with some of the girls on saturday night. We really needed a night that was just us. We went to this new sports bar in Bethesda. Our friend HootersGirl bartends there. One of the girls that I was with, Bean, is a beer rep for a lot of the bars in the area. She knows a lot of the owners and managers as well. She knows how much I hate working at the restaurant that I currently work in so she told the owner of the sports bar that I needed a job. He said I was pretty and asked me to stand up so that he could check out "the whole package". True story. He liked me and told me to come in on Sunday to talk to him. I started on training on Tuesday. Before you guys freak out and think I'm working the corners, let me explain myself. The guy that owns this place used to manage a strip club downtown; he "inspects" the girls before he agrees to work with them. I didn't like it but I need a new job. The uniform is a tight referee type shirt and Under Armour boy shorts. I wear my Uggs and legwarmers too. I'm basically working at Hooters but not really. Since the owner used to manage a strip club, he brought some of the girls with him. I work with strippers. I want to hate them but they're so sweet. I've got the potential to make a fuck ton of money there so I'm going to wait it out and see how it goes. I told my dad, he wasn't pleased but he'll tolerate it because I'm an adult and I'm trying to make more money.
Given the uniform that I have to wear, I need to work out like a fiend to make up for the fact that I don't have flotation devises for boobs. While I was talking to the membership director, he told me not to work at the sports bar and to come work at the gym instead. He was serious. I took him up on the job offer but I won't quit at the sports bar because I like making money.
I'm fairly certain that my dad told my mom about the bar, I'm not stupid enough to tell her about some job like that. She called me this morning, crying. She asked me if I got a job there and I said yes. Then she went insane. She started yelling and screaming about how shameful it is to be working there, how I'm acting like a whore. She also said that I might as well be a prostitute. Really?!? I totally wasn't expecting that response. She probably won't talk to me for awhile. At this point, I'm so done with everything that I don't even care.
The Corporal has been awesome but he's starting to go crazy. What the hell is he talking about, me being on my best behavior?! Those are things that I do and ways that I react and treat the people that I care about. Yeah, he kinda gets special treatment but that's because we're sleeping together. He's a stupid fuck.
Seriously though, I don't know why Little Chief Swag keeps reaching out to me. I deleted his number from my phone because I didn't want to be tempted to drunk text him. When he first texted me a few days ago, I pretended like I didn't know who it was because I didn't have his number in my phone, he called me and was legitimately mad. He keeps texting me to see how I'm doing and to see if I want to hang out. I don't want to do that with him. It's weird how he just popped up but I'm over it.
I swear that in the next post I write, I'll make sense and have a much better attitude. I solemnly swear!
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Oh hey girl!

I got an award and it is legit. I'm currently working on a paper for my Psych class so as soon as I run train on that bad boy, I will share my award with you guys.

I also think that it will soon be time for another video blog.

I actually do have funny shit to tell you, for once! In the meantime, enjoy this song because I dance around in my underwear to it...

Things happen for a reason, right?!

Things are good and life is good. Things with the Corporeal are great so why is it that I can't get a certain person out of my mind? Every time I think about him, my heart beats a little faster and my palms get sweaty. It's not even like I would rather be with him or anything like that. I don't know what the hell it is. I found this little gem online and it all made sense...

Boys smell like an unidentifiable musk. Each one comes with his own unique fragrance and the second you come in contact with it, it’s locked into your memory forever. Because even though it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is, you’ll smell it for years to come. You’ll smell the boy who used to love you in the summertime at a grocery store when you’re 25 or maybe even 30, and it will stop you dead in your tracks, temporarily paralyzed by a memory. You feel like you don’t have a right to sniff that smell anymore so you make a beeline for the exit and get the hell away from it. You go home and drown yourself in your own perfume and try to erase its mark.

Last time I checked, I had no desire to actually be with him. I think that I just miss the way things were and all the things we used to do. As I wrote that sentence, I realized that we never actually did anything though. So basically, I miss not doing anything with him... does that even make sense? I don't even know what I'm saying but in my mind, it totally makes sense.

The other night, I had a dream that I was out with Little Chief Swag. We were walking down the street and holding hands, I was laughing at whatever stupid thing he said. It was so real, so familiar but then all of a sudden, his girlfriend showed up and I literally started to disappear into thin air. I woke up in bed next to the Corporal and for some reason, I wasn't expecting him to be there. It was almost as if I was half expecting Little Chief Swag to be there; it made no sense, considering I went to sleep in the Corporal's bed. I woke up in some guy's bed and I dreamed  about a completely different guy. WTF? There must have been something that triggered my memory and I didn't realize it until I was asleep. I think know I'm rambling, sorry.

I feel like the only reason I keep thinking about him is because his stupid little girlfriend keeps tagging him in pictures and they keep showing up in my newsfeed. She's not even pretty, I'm sure she's a stupid bitch. Yes, that is my jealousy talking and no, I don't care if it makes me sound childish. Perfect quotes for moments like these...

Things that are awkward...

Me. I've come to the conclusion that I really am socially awkward. I'm weird like that. At times, I'm totally fine and other times, I freak out when I have to talk to new people. I don't know why. I look at my friends and they're not awkward (not really). They're so much more outgoing and what not. They also all have siblings. I strongly think that that contributes to their personalities. I mean I have a brother and everything (mommy found him in a trashcan and thought he was cute so we kept him) but he was never really around when I was younger.  Fail.

I'm sorry that I've been the worst blogger ever lately. I don't even have a good reason/explanation. In all honesty though, every time I sit down to blog/stalk your blogs, something comes up. I just need to start turning off my phone and ignoring the world so that I can get shit done...or so that stupid people don't piss me off every five minutes.

It's such a blah day today. There are so many things that I need to do today but there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. Life Fail.

I cannot be more pleased that tomorrow is Friday. It's my friend's birthday tomorrow so he's having a dinner party and we're all supposed to bring food. For some reason, I volunteered to bring stuffing. I don't even know how to make that shit. Lord help us all the minute I turn on the oven. I'll keep you posted.