Am I getting soft in my old age?

I've been catching up on my extremely long Netflix queue and was very happy to receive a lovely little red envelope in the mail yesterday. I have to most random movies on there, from Nicholas Sparks-type shit to movies where crap blows up every five minutes. I reorganize the queue frequently, depending on what kind of mood I'm in. Anyway, yesterday I got the movie No Strings Attached; it's the one with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. They're friends with benefits womp womp womp, look it up here. If you've seen the movie, then wonderful; you'll be able to understand the majority of this post. While I was watching the movie, I couldn't help but see the personality resemblance between me and Natalie Portman's character. I don't do relationships because it's just easier not to and dare I say, I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to invest that much effort when that person is just going to turn around and leave or I'm just going to get bored. Me getting bored happens more often than not when it comes to guys. I have very little patience for stupidity and the other person needs to put forth a little bit of effort in order to keep me even remotely entertained. I'm not asking for someone to give me the moon, I'm not crazy. I'd like to do more than drink, watch you do drugs (I don't get down with those activities because I'm on probation) and have sex. Now if the sex were earth-shattering, back-breaking kind of shit then I'd be quite alright with constant drinking and the illegal activities because I'd be getting amazing orgasms in return. Half the time, it's okay and it hits the spot at that very moment. But let's be serious for a minute, after a certain point, that shit gets old. I'm at the point where I'm looking for something more, something that's been missing from the past "flings". If someone can come up with a better word than relationship as a means of defining what I'm looking for, then by all means, please let me know. As of right now, I guess I'm kinda looking for a relationship (I can't believe that I'm actually saying this). As much as I've loved having flings or whatever-you-want-to-call-thems, I'm looking for something more...something that actually means something. My quest for something meaningful with regards to guys has led me to believe that I'm getting soft in my old age.

When I was 21, I paid no attention to anyone but myself. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted and I took pity on anyone that tried to stop me. I strung guys along and played with their feelings on purpose just because I knew that I could. Maybe that's why the guys that I like/want to get to know better now are all douchebags and they get worse every single time. I'm getting the shitty behavior back tenfold, karma's a huge fucking bitch and I totally deserve it. I just feel like it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with (sex or no sex), someone to walk down the street and hold hands with, someone to have pointless conversations with at 4 o'clock in the morning just because you can. I may be a huge bitch and I act like a don't need anyone but I'm not going to lie, that's all an act. I want/need those relationship-type things sometimes. I'm not saying I want to spend all of my waking hours with someone because I have my life and they have theirs but "companionship" would be nice sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I have pretty freaking amazing friends and family but they can't fill that void. I know I've said a million times that I would take time off from guys and blah blah blah, suck a fat one...but there's a tiny minuscule part of me that kinda wants a relationship or at least something more than sex. I know it's summer and being single during the summer is great but sometimes it's nice to not come home alone. 

Now that I've bared my soul and I feel like a gump for having said everything I just said, I'm going to make myself feel better by dancing around my apartment (Cameron Diaz-style) to this song. Don't forget to insert a little fist pumping, enjoy...


  1. When I lived in NYC, I did everything and everyONE I could get my hands on. It was certainly an *interesting* life, but this quiet, peaceful place I'm in now is so much better for me in the long one.

    But goddamn, I need me some sex like whoa.

  2. I can totally relate to Portmans character as well. I am in a relationship and I am happy in it, but I did realize where she was coming from with not wanting to get in a relationship. That stuff is so hard, and there are many ways to get hurt in a relationship, its just crazy. It makes sense what she felt and how you feel too, but she fell in love maybe you can too (",)