That's how it all started. I met Dreads back in October or November at a bar in Bethesda. I was still dating the Corporal then so I couldn't really do anything about. This guy is super hard to miss, he's about 6'2 with dreadlocks that come down past his waist. He usually wears them up to avoid sitting on them or getting them caught in his fly (not even kidding). He was so cute and he was funny and I wanted him. My best friend knew that but because I couldn't do anything about the situation that I was in, she went after him. I wasn't pleased about it but there was nothing I could do.
A couple of months later, I ran into him Bethesda when I went to meet my BFF. They weren't hooking up anymore but they had stayed friends. He was still adorable so I gave him my number. We started hanging out shortly after that and we were inseparable. I felt bad and I was terrified of telling my best friend that I had been hooking up with him. In the years we've been friends, we've never been interested in the same guy so I was apprehensive to tell her. When I finally grew some balls and fessed up to her, she laughed at me. She had no interest in dating him, she had slept with him and it ended there. I was relieved, Dreads and I went about our business.
Things were great for awhile and then they slowly started to change. I guess the "honeymoon period" had worn off. The little things that he did, like breathing, really pissed me off. He drinks entirely too much and we would get into awful fights that left me in tears every time. He told me that his friends hated me, his parents (whom I've never met because they live in Michigan) hated me, I was a miserable person, I was just plain mean and that I should be so lucky if he decides to date me. I was upset, I was hurt but I was also slightly amused. For someone that doesn't want to date me, he acts entirely too much like a boyfriend. News flash Dreads: you can't have your cake and eat it too. He wanted to be so immersed in my life, be friends with my friends, know all my bartenders. After awhile, I stopped going out to Bethesda with him; I couldn't stand it. When I go out, I bounce around the bar and talk to different people; I have a short attention span and can't stand still for long periods of time. He would follow me around, talk to my friends like he knew them and it drove me crazy. When I date people, I don't let them in all at once. They slowly gain access to different parts of my life. He didn't understand that. That's when I stated pushing him away.
He's 31 years old and has been working at Starbucks since he was 16. He's never worked anywhere else and has no plans of ever working anywhere else. I wish I were kidding. He has no ambition and he acts like a child with no responsibilities. His house is disgusting, absolutely atrocious and pretty sure he's a borderline hoarder. He has two cats that he hasn't taken to the vet in years and they're both long overdue for a visit. He has no concept of privacy. If the bathroom door is shut, that's because I'm pissing. That doesn't mean open the door and stand there while I finish taking a leak and wiping my whooha. I don't think he knows what personal hygiene is; in all the times that I've spent the night at his house, I've never seen him brush his teeth. Every time I left his house, I would have to go home and disinfect my entire body because I felt so gross.
I should be so lucky if you decided to date me? Are you fucking kidding me? You're a disgusting person and the mere thought of you actually makes me recoil. You have no ambition, you're quite content to smoke weed, work at Starbucks and play with your cars for the rest of your life. I'm not sorry that I actually want to go places with mine. But yet, for some reason, I can't seem to grow enough balls to tell you to kick rocks. So really, I have no one to blame but myself for being in this situation.
Here's to hoping my balls drop again.
xoxo,
Me
Showing posts with label no way jose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label no way jose. Show all posts
9.06.2012
It's Go Time, World
Ladies & Gentleman, I'm quite pleased to admit that I am back for good. Writing that post the other day, as short as it was, made me happy and took a load off. I missed blogging. Sometimes it's nice to find strength in the arms of strangers. Please bear with me over the next couple of weeks, I'm going to be revamping the blog a little bit. I don't even know where to start with that, i'll play around with things and then see what I like the most.
I'm currently camped out at Starbucks, in Barnes & Noble...my favorite place ever. There are some serious wackjobs out today. I just dropped part of my muffin on my freaking keyboard. Seriously, wtf? Maybe that's a sign that I should stop talking about people (I wish that I could use Emoji faces so that you can see my facial expression). Sike, I'm never going to stop talking about people...that's boring as shit.
I turned 25 in June and I swear I'm starting to go thru a quarter-life crisis; it's awful. I feel restless and lazy at the same time. Is that even possible?! I'm not in school this semester because I keeping fucking up and they won't take me back. Newsflash Dean: it's a community college, not Harvard so get the sand out of your fucking vagina, shove a tampon up there and I'm sure that you and I will get along just fine. Just kidding, I will always dislike you. Since I'm not in school and I'm working part-time at both of my jobs, I need more things to do. I almost signed up for a Habitat for Humanity build in Madagascar the other day. I decided that it was a little extreme to take off running before I can really walk. I need to do a Habitat build around here before I go galavanting around the globe. I'm also fairly certain that my parents would not be thrilled if I did that. Maybe I should just sign up for the Peace Corps and be done with it. Anyway, yesterday, I went to a volunteer orientation for this non-profit called 826DC. It's basically an after-school tutoring program. I don't have tons of time to donate but I'm super interested in doing it! They have a Tuesday Night Tutoring program for high school students and they need language tutors in for French. That shit has my name all over it. The only problem is that I have a pass a DC public schools background check, having a DUI on your record fucks shit up. That would be the only reason as to why I wouldn't pass. I'm going to fill out the application tomorrow when I get to work. Wish me luck.
I used my phone GPS to get down to the 826DC office yesterday morning. The orientation was at 10 and the GPS said that it would take 40 minutes, I don't think it took into account that it was rushhour and I can't find my way out of a paper bag. I managed to make it there with plenty of time of time to spare and I didn't even get lost. I'm growing up guys! I also found a parking spot on the street right around the corner from the building. If you've ever driven into DC on a weekday morning, you know how hard it is to find street parking, let alone something close to where you need to go. Of course, something super bad was going to happen to me after all that good fortune. I sat in the car and talked to my mom for a little bit, put on my mascara, twiddled my thumbs...my car was on the whole time because it was hot and I didn't want to sweat. I finally got out of the car and started walking across the street. I turned around to lock the doors and saw some homeless guy pissing on my car. Really dude?!? I was just in the car and the car was running. I guess I caught him off guard because he pissed on his leg a little bit. I didn't even know what to say or do so I just walked away. It was way too early for those kinds of shenanigans.
I've been feeling super crafty lately, Pinterest might have something to do with that. Stupid website. I used tomake jewelry with my mom watch my mom make jewelry when I was younger. She was crafty too. I've been making Google my bitch today, I just bookmarked a buttload of sites about DIY jewelry making. Bet $10 that I start to make a necklace, get bored and never finish it. Story of my life. But all jokes aside, I'm going to put studs on my Chucks. I was a pair on Pinterest and I fell in love. I found a bunch of websites that tell you how to do it, it's not complicated and it doesn't take long so my gnat-like attention span should be able to handle it. Pinterest will be blamed for all the projects that I start and don't finish; that website also sucks up so much of my freaking time. They really need to have a jewelry category.
I'm going to stuff my face with a burrito now but thanks for reading.
xoxo,
Me
I'm currently camped out at Starbucks, in Barnes & Noble...my favorite place ever. There are some serious wackjobs out today. I just dropped part of my muffin on my freaking keyboard. Seriously, wtf? Maybe that's a sign that I should stop talking about people (I wish that I could use Emoji faces so that you can see my facial expression). Sike, I'm never going to stop talking about people...that's boring as shit.
I turned 25 in June and I swear I'm starting to go thru a quarter-life crisis; it's awful. I feel restless and lazy at the same time. Is that even possible?! I'm not in school this semester because I keeping fucking up and they won't take me back. Newsflash Dean: it's a community college, not Harvard so get the sand out of your fucking vagina, shove a tampon up there and I'm sure that you and I will get along just fine. Just kidding, I will always dislike you. Since I'm not in school and I'm working part-time at both of my jobs, I need more things to do. I almost signed up for a Habitat for Humanity build in Madagascar the other day. I decided that it was a little extreme to take off running before I can really walk. I need to do a Habitat build around here before I go galavanting around the globe. I'm also fairly certain that my parents would not be thrilled if I did that. Maybe I should just sign up for the Peace Corps and be done with it. Anyway, yesterday, I went to a volunteer orientation for this non-profit called 826DC. It's basically an after-school tutoring program. I don't have tons of time to donate but I'm super interested in doing it! They have a Tuesday Night Tutoring program for high school students and they need language tutors in for French. That shit has my name all over it. The only problem is that I have a pass a DC public schools background check, having a DUI on your record fucks shit up. That would be the only reason as to why I wouldn't pass. I'm going to fill out the application tomorrow when I get to work. Wish me luck.
I used my phone GPS to get down to the 826DC office yesterday morning. The orientation was at 10 and the GPS said that it would take 40 minutes, I don't think it took into account that it was rushhour and I can't find my way out of a paper bag. I managed to make it there with plenty of time of time to spare and I didn't even get lost. I'm growing up guys! I also found a parking spot on the street right around the corner from the building. If you've ever driven into DC on a weekday morning, you know how hard it is to find street parking, let alone something close to where you need to go. Of course, something super bad was going to happen to me after all that good fortune. I sat in the car and talked to my mom for a little bit, put on my mascara, twiddled my thumbs...my car was on the whole time because it was hot and I didn't want to sweat. I finally got out of the car and started walking across the street. I turned around to lock the doors and saw some homeless guy pissing on my car. Really dude?!? I was just in the car and the car was running. I guess I caught him off guard because he pissed on his leg a little bit. I didn't even know what to say or do so I just walked away. It was way too early for those kinds of shenanigans.
I've been feeling super crafty lately, Pinterest might have something to do with that. Stupid website. I used to
I'm going to stuff my face with a burrito now but thanks for reading.
xoxo,
Me
2.03.2012
Womp
That's the best title I could come up with and I'm sticking to it. It's 645 on a Friday night and I'm still in the office but this is honestly the quietest place where I can get stuff done. My blogging skills have been non-existent lately, I've been so busy with work and life that I legit barely have enough energy to make it past my living room and into my bedroom sometimes. I'd just like to point out that it's only the second week in February and I've already had enough drama to last me the next six months. You guys probably don't know this but Bethesda is a very small place. Everyone knows someone is some way, shape or form. People are usually known by first and last name because everyone's friends on Facebook. It's such a small town that it's "affectionately" known as Bethesda High School; you do something on a Friday night, you wake up Saturday morning and whatever you did the night before is being whispered in everyone's ears. It was only a matter of time before word got back me. Let's just clear this up, I'm not sleeping with Ali Baba. I dated his best friend, the Corporal. I'm not down with pulling an LRog move and sleeping with an entire group of friends. I am 24 years old, I'm quite capable of having a friendship with a guy and not sleep with him. And the rumors of me doing blow in the parking garage behind Relic? Totally not original. LRog, you're so silly to think that I don't remember that night from many years ago when I caught you doing the very thing you are accusing me of doing. If you're going to lie about me, at least be creative because your boring lies really don't do my personality any justice.
Ladies, thank you very much for continuing to spread rumors about me. I especially love when stupid people question me about whether or not the stories are true, as if I was urban legend. The mere fact that you're talking about me, whether good or bad, has put a little extra pep in my step. I would sincerely like to thank you for huddling in the corners of bars and talking about me, you are unknowingly giving me the run of the bar. If you're going to talk about me and spread lies about me, at least be creative and use your imagination. Your boring and recycled lies really don't do my personality any justice. Last but not least, thank you for letting me know that I'm still on your mind. That makes me smile. Just remember that sometimes, karma saves the best for last.
Anyway, I no longer work at The Box Bar & Grill, where the girls are sexy and the wings are sexier. That's their slogan, what does that even mean?! I don't want sexy wings, I want delicious wings. I'm not going to lie, I had so much fun working there but fun doesn't pay my bills. And I kinda like wearing clothes when I work. It's funny how now, I kinda miss wearing the Under Armor shorts. At least I kept mine. In other news, I work at a sushi restaurant now. I'm a server AND a bartender (cue the Jeffersons's theme song now). I'm doing big things now! As much as I hate working in the service industry, I've always wanted to be a bartender. I have amazing friends that didn't like me working at the Box so they took it upon themselves to find me another job. My boss, Mo, is actually someone I've known for a couple of years just from going to a certain hole in the wall bar. He would always go there with the bartender from Tommy Joe's, who coincidentally enough used to date LRog (that's how I met her). Anyway, Mo told me that he was going to start me off serving and then transition me to bar training as soon as he could. He was good on his word and I've been training with him for the past couple of shifts. It's literally been wearing me out because I've been working my day job and then some nights I've been going in for training after. By the time I get home, it's well passed last call and I'm exhausted. I have my first official bar shift next Saturday night. I think Mo is crazy for throwing me to the wolves like that, I don't think I'm ready but I'm going to do it and I'm going to run train on it.
I'm tempted to go out tonight but I didn't get home until 430 this morning (that's a story for another night). I have big girl things to do tomorrow like get my taxes done and go to the gym. Womp.
11.05.2011
A recap of my life
As promised, I have an update about everything that's been going on in my life lately. In all honesty, I don't even know where to begin.
A couple of weeks ago, I was with LRog because we both had the day off so we made it a point of having all day shenanigans together. We went to Arlington to pick up her pay check from the gym and we had lunch; it was a nice, big kid, leisurely affair. We eventually came back to this side of the pond and went to Target. It's official: no matter who I go in there with, I always walk out with shit that I do not need. LRog and I were walking around the men's department because the clothes are so much comfier. I ended up buying a hoodie, a flannel button-down (I totally needed it) and some other useless shit. We left there and went to the bar, I don't even think that it was 5 o'clock yet. Nothing ever stops our party. Her friend, the Corporal, came to hang out with us. I knew who he was when she mentioned his name because I facebook stalk/investigate. Technically, I had done no wrong because he came up as one of the friends that Facebook suggested for me. Anyway, he shows up at the bar and he is hot as shit in person. He smells delicious (always a plus), he's funny, he's all around kind of amazing. He's only kind of amazing because I'm more amazing, duh. We get along really well and we agree on the same things but we always disagree reasonably (meaning that I don't want to punch him in the face for expressing a different opinion). We've been hanging out a lot lately. He was semi-dating this girl when I met him and everything that he told me about her were red flags that she was crazy. I finally got to meet her at his birthday party. Bitch was crazy as fuck, legitimately. He was already pretty much over the situation but a small part of him was hoping that it would work out. Then I showed up, wearing heels and a dress (that only happens on rare occasions) and he forgot all about that crazy bitch. Oops.
The Corporal and I hang out so much that when his boys invite him out, they assume that I'm going to come too. That's not the case; I want him to continue spending time with his boys, I'm not one of those girls that will take over his life because I want to spend all my time with him. I need my space. Can we just talk about how he took me to dinner at his parents house?! He took me to meet his parents on the same day that we slept together (oops on my part). Seriously though, he asked me and the way he said it, I really didn't have a choice in saying no. I was mildly freaking out in the car (silently of course) because I was thinking about the significance of what was about to happen. I was totally overreacting. I take people guys or girls to meet my mom all the time just because it's not unheard of for her to stop by my place randomly. I checked with LRog to make sure that I wasn't going crazy/looking too much into the situation...I was. He takes people to his parents house all the time, she's been there plenty of times. I was totally relieved when she told me that. Whatever. I'm having fun with him and that's all that matters right now.
I'm a girl and at times, I like bedazzlement. I happened to be at the mall one day and something sparkly caught my eye out of my peripheral. My legs started moving before I could even register what it was. I walked into Victoria's Secret and stood there in front of the most amazing sight ever: an entire wall of PINK football themed attire. I couldn't care less about the Redskins shit because they're not my team but there was a shit ton of of Ravens stuff. LRog and I were actually speechless at how beautiful everything was. I wanted to buy everything because it was all black and purple, sequined and amazing. I'm not made of money so I settled for half of the shit...not even kidding.
I honestly don't know of anything else that has happened in my life recently. I've been so busy with work lately that my brain is fried.
While most people are out and about on a Saturday night, I will be at home cleaning my room...finally.
A couple of weeks ago, I was with LRog because we both had the day off so we made it a point of having all day shenanigans together. We went to Arlington to pick up her pay check from the gym and we had lunch; it was a nice, big kid, leisurely affair. We eventually came back to this side of the pond and went to Target. It's official: no matter who I go in there with, I always walk out with shit that I do not need. LRog and I were walking around the men's department because the clothes are so much comfier. I ended up buying a hoodie, a flannel button-down (I totally needed it) and some other useless shit. We left there and went to the bar, I don't even think that it was 5 o'clock yet. Nothing ever stops our party. Her friend, the Corporal, came to hang out with us. I knew who he was when she mentioned his name because I facebook stalk/investigate. Technically, I had done no wrong because he came up as one of the friends that Facebook suggested for me. Anyway, he shows up at the bar and he is hot as shit in person. He smells delicious (always a plus), he's funny, he's all around kind of amazing. He's only kind of amazing because I'm more amazing, duh. We get along really well and we agree on the same things but we always disagree reasonably (meaning that I don't want to punch him in the face for expressing a different opinion). We've been hanging out a lot lately. He was semi-dating this girl when I met him and everything that he told me about her were red flags that she was crazy. I finally got to meet her at his birthday party. Bitch was crazy as fuck, legitimately. He was already pretty much over the situation but a small part of him was hoping that it would work out. Then I showed up, wearing heels and a dress (that only happens on rare occasions) and he forgot all about that crazy bitch. Oops.
The Corporal and I hang out so much that when his boys invite him out, they assume that I'm going to come too. That's not the case; I want him to continue spending time with his boys, I'm not one of those girls that will take over his life because I want to spend all my time with him. I need my space. Can we just talk about how he took me to dinner at his parents house?! He took me to meet his parents on the same day that we slept together (oops on my part). Seriously though, he asked me and the way he said it, I really didn't have a choice in saying no. I was mildly freaking out in the car (silently of course) because I was thinking about the significance of what was about to happen. I was totally overreacting. I take people guys or girls to meet my mom all the time just because it's not unheard of for her to stop by my place randomly. I checked with LRog to make sure that I wasn't going crazy/looking too much into the situation...I was. He takes people to his parents house all the time, she's been there plenty of times. I was totally relieved when she told me that. Whatever. I'm having fun with him and that's all that matters right now.
I'm a girl and at times, I like bedazzlement. I happened to be at the mall one day and something sparkly caught my eye out of my peripheral. My legs started moving before I could even register what it was. I walked into Victoria's Secret and stood there in front of the most amazing sight ever: an entire wall of PINK football themed attire. I couldn't care less about the Redskins shit because they're not my team but there was a shit ton of of Ravens stuff. LRog and I were actually speechless at how beautiful everything was. I wanted to buy everything because it was all black and purple, sequined and amazing. I'm not made of money so I settled for half of the shit...not even kidding.
I honestly don't know of anything else that has happened in my life recently. I've been so busy with work lately that my brain is fried.
While most people are out and about on a Saturday night, I will be at home cleaning my room...finally.
11.01.2011
I am a horrible person
No seriously, I am. I have been sucking at life lately. I got my laptop back at some point last week, it might have been the week before...I honestly can't remember. The damn thing has been sitting on my kitchen table since I picked it up. I've been so busy/so tired that I let everything fall by the wayside. My apartment looks like Halloween/my entire closet/Tinkerbell exploded in it; it's ridiculous. I started cleaning it last night when I got home and there was literally glitter everywhere. My life is somewhat in shambles right now.
Thank you so much for all the blog love and comments that you left in my brief (and never to happen again) absence. I have so much blog stalking to catch up on; there aren't enough hours in the day!!
I got another tattoo. As soon as it finishes healing, I will post a picture for you.
The snow did not hinder my Halloween plans but I know that it did for some. Oddly enough, I was the designated driver all weekend. It was funny because I went out with some of the guys, one of whom happens to be a cop. He's hot, he let me play with his gun AND his taser. Both were made "Mackenzie-safe" (similar to child-proof) before I started prancing around his apartment with them. I have so much to tell you!
Shane, to answer your question...Mr. One Testicle really did only have one. Here's the link to that post so that you can read the whole thing. I will most likely not be seeing him again (on purpose) but I run into him randomly around Bethesda. Since given him my number, he has decided that I'm the perfect girl to drunk text at last call to get me to go home with him. Excuse me?! That's not happening, buddy. I texted him the next morning and told him to just delete my number from his phone if he was stupid enough to be that girl. That sucks because I actually liked him as a person. His loss.
I have to run because I've got to get to work. I do have a little glimpse of me in prime Halloween action. I'll upload the video asap so you can laugh as much as I did when I saw it.
LOVE YOU TONS!!!
Thank you so much for all the blog love and comments that you left in my brief (and never to happen again) absence. I have so much blog stalking to catch up on; there aren't enough hours in the day!!
I got another tattoo. As soon as it finishes healing, I will post a picture for you.
The snow did not hinder my Halloween plans but I know that it did for some. Oddly enough, I was the designated driver all weekend. It was funny because I went out with some of the guys, one of whom happens to be a cop. He's hot, he let me play with his gun AND his taser. Both were made "Mackenzie-safe" (similar to child-proof) before I started prancing around his apartment with them. I have so much to tell you!
Shane, to answer your question...Mr. One Testicle really did only have one. Here's the link to that post so that you can read the whole thing. I will most likely not be seeing him again (on purpose) but I run into him randomly around Bethesda. Since given him my number, he has decided that I'm the perfect girl to drunk text at last call to get me to go home with him. Excuse me?! That's not happening, buddy. I texted him the next morning and told him to just delete my number from his phone if he was stupid enough to be that girl. That sucks because I actually liked him as a person. His loss.
I have to run because I've got to get to work. I do have a little glimpse of me in prime Halloween action. I'll upload the video asap so you can laugh as much as I did when I saw it.
LOVE YOU TONS!!!
10.16.2011
Tomfoolery at its finest
I would have written a post earlier but I literally did not have time. I had Friday off and because LRog had the day off as well, we decided that it was a good idea to spend the day together. We went to Arlington to pick up her paycheck from the gym and we had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. That's when the drinking started. I was really hungry (per the usual) so I ordered pasta. If you've ever been to that restaurant, you know how big the portions are...I basically ordered enough food for 2 people. Fattie.
We decided that more drinks were in order so we came back to the area and went to Target. Shenanigans! We walked around the clothing section, trying on shit that we didn't need and we both walked out $50 poorer. That's not bad considering the damage that I normally do at Target. After we left there, we decided that it was time that we indulged in some happy hour action at 4 in the afternoon. We're cool like that, no big deal.
We went to our favorite neighborhood dive bar (also because we're cool like that) and it was so weird because we've never been there that early before. There were a bunch a old guys and their creepy "girlfriends". LRog and I sat at the bar and decided that we needed to call in some people to drink with us. She made some calls and the boys showed up. She knew that she needed to be up at 630 the next morning but at that point, she knew that we weren't going to make it home until morning.
We all left the bar and went to Bethesda to get food/more alcohol. We must have hit 3 or 4 bars, I wasn't really drinking because I knew that I had to drive home. We go to Tommy Joe's and I ran into Mr. One Testicle (there's a post about him from a few months ago). He put his arms around me from behind and gave me a kiss on the cheek. That caused some issues because the guys that we were with are all friends with his ex. They haven't been together in over a year AND she has a new boyfriend. What's the freaking problem?! He kinda got the message so he walked away. I was on my way to the bathroom and I saw him again. We made eye contact, it was so intense that it actually gave me tingles in my girlie parts! I went up to him and absolutely no words were exchanged before he kissed me; next thing I know we were making out in the middle of the bar. Oops. He kept trying to get me to go home with him but I refused because I had to take LRog home, I couldn't just leave her stranded at the bar.
We ended up leaving and going to another bar. There was a lot of drama because the guys that we were with wanted to know what my deal was with Mr. One Testicle blah blah blah. It's none of their business. LRog and I ended up calling it a night because it was 3AM. I like the guys that we were with, they were sweet and all that but I'm not down with them all up in my shit.
Why is it that there always has to be so much drama?! I think that's one of the reasons that I'm so iffy about dating or any of that. It might also have something to do with the fact that I'm picky. Sorry that I don't want to date a douchcanoe.
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We decided that more drinks were in order so we came back to the area and went to Target. Shenanigans! We walked around the clothing section, trying on shit that we didn't need and we both walked out $50 poorer. That's not bad considering the damage that I normally do at Target. After we left there, we decided that it was time that we indulged in some happy hour action at 4 in the afternoon. We're cool like that, no big deal.
We went to our favorite neighborhood dive bar (also because we're cool like that) and it was so weird because we've never been there that early before. There were a bunch a old guys and their creepy "girlfriends". LRog and I sat at the bar and decided that we needed to call in some people to drink with us. She made some calls and the boys showed up. She knew that she needed to be up at 630 the next morning but at that point, she knew that we weren't going to make it home until morning.
We all left the bar and went to Bethesda to get food/more alcohol. We must have hit 3 or 4 bars, I wasn't really drinking because I knew that I had to drive home. We go to Tommy Joe's and I ran into Mr. One Testicle (there's a post about him from a few months ago). He put his arms around me from behind and gave me a kiss on the cheek. That caused some issues because the guys that we were with are all friends with his ex. They haven't been together in over a year AND she has a new boyfriend. What's the freaking problem?! He kinda got the message so he walked away. I was on my way to the bathroom and I saw him again. We made eye contact, it was so intense that it actually gave me tingles in my girlie parts! I went up to him and absolutely no words were exchanged before he kissed me; next thing I know we were making out in the middle of the bar. Oops. He kept trying to get me to go home with him but I refused because I had to take LRog home, I couldn't just leave her stranded at the bar.
We ended up leaving and going to another bar. There was a lot of drama because the guys that we were with wanted to know what my deal was with Mr. One Testicle blah blah blah. It's none of their business. LRog and I ended up calling it a night because it was 3AM. I like the guys that we were with, they were sweet and all that but I'm not down with them all up in my shit.
Why is it that there always has to be so much drama?! I think that's one of the reasons that I'm so iffy about dating or any of that. It might also have something to do with the fact that I'm picky. Sorry that I don't want to date a douchcanoe.
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10.13.2011
Video blog #2: what's written on my forehead?!
I decided that I was too lazy to actually type a long post so I decided that a video blog would be a good idea.
Also, I started the October playlist of good shit. This one's a little different, it's heavy on the mellow tunes because it's just been that kind of week.
Here's the link so that you can check out Jodie Marsh's crazy abs. Seriously though, Google pictures of her...they're mildly entertaining.
Also, I started the October playlist of good shit. This one's a little different, it's heavy on the mellow tunes because it's just been that kind of week.
Here's the link so that you can check out Jodie Marsh's crazy abs. Seriously though, Google pictures of her...they're mildly entertaining.
Enjoy the video bitches!
9.23.2011
The saleswoman was a stupid twat & I nearly karate chopped a stranger in his throat
As previously stated, when I left work, I had some errands to run. My first stop was Blue Mercury. I could have very well gone to the mall but I really wasn't feeling all the traffic/stupid people getting there. For those of you that don't know, Blue Mercury is a cosmetics store that sells high end cosmetics, candles, fragrances and a whole bunch of other girly shit. Here's their website, should you get bored and want something to look at. My sole purpose for going there was to pick up some new perfume. I was at the mall last week with my mom and because I like to touch stuff, I went around spraying perfume on the little paper strips. This perfume that I fell in love with is called Sexy 9 (oddly enough). I kept the little scent strip and I've been orgasming over it ALL week. Today is pay day, so I figured that I would go buy it. You know that Marcy Playground song, "Sex & candy"? If not, you can listen to it here. The only reason that I brought it up is because the perfume smells so good that it might as well smell like sex and Chipotle. True story. Anyway, the women there work on commission so it would really behoove them to be nice, right? Apparently, this bitch thought she was too cool for school and that I wasn't worth her time. She should have just continued to sit her ugly, way-too-much-makeup-wearing ass behind the counter and I would have been just fine. Instead, she comes over to ask me if I needed help and said it with such a nasty tone that she might as well have said "what do you want?". Well you stupid little bitch, I want perfume. I already had the perfume in question in my hand. I was just going to get the small size because I change perfume and rotate the ones that I have so frequently. Sometimes, I just get sick of them all together. She tried to get me to buy the bigger bottle, the one that was 50 ml. I looked at the size of the smaller one and the bigger one; just out of curiosity, I wanted to know how much the bigger one was. She was nice enough (not!) to tell me that it was $98. Excuse me?!? Please keep in mind that the bigger bottle is essentially a normal size bottle of perfume.
This is how our conversation went after that:
Me: Let me get this straight. For $98, this bottle of perfume is going to do some Love Potion #9 type shit and make every guy that I come across fall madly in love with me. Correct?
Stupid bitch: looks at me like I'm crazy No.
Me: But it'll definitely make Willis McGahee, Ray Rice and Kevin Durant ask for my hand in marriage and then ask me to do the honor of having their babies, correct?
Stupid bitch: No, it won't do that either.
Me: as pleasantly as possible No, it isn't going to do that for me? Okie dokie. Well in that case, you can take that bottle and shove it up your ass.
The look on her face was priceless. Clearly, my mouth was firing off faster than my brain could react. Oops. She picked the wrong day to be a bitch to me. I bought the little bottle and made sure that that woman didn't get the sale. Stupid twat. Seriously though, this perfume smells delicious.
My next stop was Target. I've come to the conclusion that I really cannot go in there alone. Bad things always happen to my bank account when I do. With that being said, I went in there for toothpaste, mouthwash, shower gel, toilet paper and lint brushes. That's 5 items right there. I got all of those and then some. I used to have sock monkey slippers but I wore them all the time so consequently, they fell apart. So I ended up getting a new pair of slippers because they were cute and I had to have them. I was in the slippers/sock section and I saw the cutest knee high socks with polka dots and all that good shit. I threw about 5 different pairs in the cart...you can never have too many pairs of socks. I also saw some cute tie dye undies that I absolutely needed to have because they're tie dye, duh! And then I got to the workout wear section, I actually paused there and I have no idea why. I don't workout and I have no need for workout clothes. My inner fake-me-out-workout-Barbie got the best of me and I saw a pair of athletic pants that I HAD to have. At that point, I had to pull myself away from the clothes and go to the checkout before I blew my entire paycheck on freaking shit that I absolutely do not need. I was standing in line and I saw some DVDs, I should have just looked away. Of course, I grabbed the one with the pink cover because I'm kinda girly sometimes. I didn't even look at the title; for all I knew, it could have been a Pink Panther movie. Luckily, when I started putting shit up on the conveyor belt, my sanity kicked back in and I looked at all the useless shit that I was about to purchase. Remove 50 billion pairs of adorable socks, super cute underwear and a purse that I managed to snag along the way, I spent $70ish on shit that I actually needed. Turns out the movie that I grabbed was Bridesmaid. Winning!!
I sat in bumper to bumper traffic on the way home but at least I had something to look forward to: beer, comfy new slippers, my flannel pjs and my couch. Not to mention the fattiest, greasiest Chinese food that I ordered for lunch and couldn't finish. The fact that I couldn't finish it might have something to do with the fact that I ordered sushi with it as well. What can I say? It's never too late to start packing on winter weight. I actually laughed as I typed that, me actually putting on weight is a very hard thing to do.
When I pulled up in front of my building, I started stuffing my arms with shit because I refused to make a second trip out to the car, in the rain. God forbid! I was walking down the sidewalk to the front door and this creeper came up to me and asked if he could buy toilet paper off of me for $5. I was momentarily confused. There's a Spanish market around the corner that sells everything you could possibly need. Why are you talking to me right now?!?!? The guy wouldn't leave me alone and he followed me to the front door of the building. Seriously dude, fuck off!! I nearly karate chopped this fool in his throat with my free hand. He finally got the message and decided to crawl into a hole and die. That's probably not what he did but one can always hope.
I sincerely hope that each and every one of you has a better Friday than I did. Here's to hoping that tomorrow is a better day.
This is how our conversation went after that:
Me: Let me get this straight. For $98, this bottle of perfume is going to do some Love Potion #9 type shit and make every guy that I come across fall madly in love with me. Correct?
Stupid bitch: looks at me like I'm crazy No.
Me: But it'll definitely make Willis McGahee, Ray Rice and Kevin Durant ask for my hand in marriage and then ask me to do the honor of having their babies, correct?
Stupid bitch: No, it won't do that either.
Me: as pleasantly as possible No, it isn't going to do that for me? Okie dokie. Well in that case, you can take that bottle and shove it up your ass.
The look on her face was priceless. Clearly, my mouth was firing off faster than my brain could react. Oops. She picked the wrong day to be a bitch to me. I bought the little bottle and made sure that that woman didn't get the sale. Stupid twat. Seriously though, this perfume smells delicious.
My next stop was Target. I've come to the conclusion that I really cannot go in there alone. Bad things always happen to my bank account when I do. With that being said, I went in there for toothpaste, mouthwash, shower gel, toilet paper and lint brushes. That's 5 items right there. I got all of those and then some. I used to have sock monkey slippers but I wore them all the time so consequently, they fell apart. So I ended up getting a new pair of slippers because they were cute and I had to have them. I was in the slippers/sock section and I saw the cutest knee high socks with polka dots and all that good shit. I threw about 5 different pairs in the cart...you can never have too many pairs of socks. I also saw some cute tie dye undies that I absolutely needed to have because they're tie dye, duh! And then I got to the workout wear section, I actually paused there and I have no idea why. I don't workout and I have no need for workout clothes. My inner fake-me-out-workout-Barbie got the best of me and I saw a pair of athletic pants that I HAD to have. At that point, I had to pull myself away from the clothes and go to the checkout before I blew my entire paycheck on freaking shit that I absolutely do not need. I was standing in line and I saw some DVDs, I should have just looked away. Of course, I grabbed the one with the pink cover because I'm kinda girly sometimes. I didn't even look at the title; for all I knew, it could have been a Pink Panther movie. Luckily, when I started putting shit up on the conveyor belt, my sanity kicked back in and I looked at all the useless shit that I was about to purchase. Remove 50 billion pairs of adorable socks, super cute underwear and a purse that I managed to snag along the way, I spent $70ish on shit that I actually needed. Turns out the movie that I grabbed was Bridesmaid. Winning!!
I sat in bumper to bumper traffic on the way home but at least I had something to look forward to: beer, comfy new slippers, my flannel pjs and my couch. Not to mention the fattiest, greasiest Chinese food that I ordered for lunch and couldn't finish. The fact that I couldn't finish it might have something to do with the fact that I ordered sushi with it as well. What can I say? It's never too late to start packing on winter weight. I actually laughed as I typed that, me actually putting on weight is a very hard thing to do.
When I pulled up in front of my building, I started stuffing my arms with shit because I refused to make a second trip out to the car, in the rain. God forbid! I was walking down the sidewalk to the front door and this creeper came up to me and asked if he could buy toilet paper off of me for $5. I was momentarily confused. There's a Spanish market around the corner that sells everything you could possibly need. Why are you talking to me right now?!?!? The guy wouldn't leave me alone and he followed me to the front door of the building. Seriously dude, fuck off!! I nearly karate chopped this fool in his throat with my free hand. He finally got the message and decided to crawl into a hole and die. That's probably not what he did but one can always hope.
I sincerely hope that each and every one of you has a better Friday than I did. Here's to hoping that tomorrow is a better day.
Sometimes, I just need a sign that says "Fuck off"
Today is totally one of those days, I am so not in the mood to deal with anything or anyone. In fact, today is that day that I will pray for anyone that decides to cross me...it will not end well for them. I just keep humming the theme song from the Sopranos. If anyone has watched the beginning of any episode, they'd see Tony driving down the highway while the song is playing in the background. I don't want to kill anyone at all, I just pretty much want to be left alone.
So anyway, the previous post that I wrote, completely disregard it. Mr. Southern Sexypants is a stupid, old, lame lame man. He said that Philly was too far (two hours) for us to go for the day. He said that since he works so hard and is so busy that he just likes to chill on weekends. Look douchecanoe, I'm not asking you to run there. I'm asking you to ride shotgun in my car while we drive there. Womp womp. Yeah I get that you're a busy person and all that good shit but here's the deal: I work two jobs and I'm in school. Newsflash: I'm busy too. He basically had this holier than thou attitude about the whole situation so I broke it down for him. I definitely fired off some feisty texts because I could sense his attitude and I definitely wasn't feeling it. Trust and believe that I let him know real quick that he needed to back up the bus with his attitude. For some reason, he assumed that I was trying to be his girlfriend. When I read that text, I actually laughed out loud. I probably wouldn't know what a relationship looked like if it hit me in the face. Yes he is amazing and yes I would love to get to know him better but not once did I express interest in being his girlfriend. For the record, I expressed hypothetical interest in having his babies but that doesn't mean that I want him to stick around afterwards. Long story short, we go back and forth about this, that and the other; I told him to let me know when he wanted to hang out because I wasn't going to sit around and wait for his ass to pay attention to me. He asked me if I wanted to hang out last night, I promptly vetoed that because I called out of work (I've got an asthma attack, fever thing going on right now) and quite frankly, I didn't want to be bothered with other people. He asked me if I was mad at him for not wanting to go to Philly blah blah blah. No I'm not mad at you, I just think that you gave me the lamest excuse ever. And you're essentially preventing me from eating delicious cheesesteaks at Geno's!
Anyway, Lrog and I are doing dinner and a movie tonight. That will inevitably turn into a boy bashing event because we're pretty much fed up with all of the ones that we have in our lives. We agreed that we wouldn't go out in Bethesda tonight and there would also be no boys allowed. There's a problem with that second condition though, boys tend to flock to us. I'm not even kidding. Separately, we do just fine but together it's insane. Neither of us is quite sure how or why it happens. Either way, Lrog is definitely my partner in crime and I love her from the bottom of my heart.
In other "screw everyone" news, I essentially broke up with my friend Bruno. Normally, I would have a blog name for him but at this point, I don't give two shits. I went to middle school with this kid and we've been friends for a long time. I love him to death, I really do but sometimes, he's just too much to handle. We had some friends in town, people that we had gone to middle school with so we decided to go out. Let me give you a little background information, we all speak French so we usually talk shit about people in French when we're out in public. I do it discreetly and make sure my body language doesn't convey complete disgust for whoever I'm talking about. Bruno, on the other hand, will say shit to people as they walk by and he says it so aggressively that they automatically know that he's talking about them. The last time we went out, it was so out of control that I had to keep apologizing for his behavior. We went to my favorite sushi place because they have a late night menu and I, of course, was starving. We almost had to go somewhere else because Bruno was a dickhead to the bouncer. REALLY?! Let's be serious for a minute...I can do bad all by myself and I would really appreciate it if you would keep your shit together in a place that I come to on a regular basis. He was so out of line and was heckling the people that were walking by that we almost got kicked out, before I even got my food. I was livid. I asked him on multiple occasions to just shut the fuck up but that seemed to be hard for him to do. Another thing that he does that's not okay is that he actually leaves bruises on my body. He likes to leave handprints and bite marks. If we were sleeping together, I'd be kinda whatever about it but he hasn't stuck his ween in me so that shit's just not alright. That night, I basically told him to fuck off and he thought that I was kidding and that we would be hanging out a few days later. Not the case. He finally hit me up on Facebook chat earlier and asked me what the hell my problem was. Excuse me?! He wanted to know why I was ignoring him, I told him that it had something to do with the fact that he was a stupid fuck. We argued about it for a little bit and he tired to blame his behavior on the alcohol. That excuse doesn't fly with me because I know you've been drinking since you were 14 and you're 22 now. You know what I say to that shit...
I told him to go fuck himself and he told me to have a nice life. That's how the cookie crumbles.
I'm glad it's Friday. Lrog bailed for tonight because she forgot that she has to be at work early in the morning. That means that I'm going to run my errands on my way home from work and then I'm going to go home, put on my flannel pjs, open a beer and curl up on the couch with my laptop and Breaking Dawn. Don't judge me.
Disclaimer: The worst thing anyone can ever do to me is come between me and food. If you value your life, don't do it.
So anyway, the previous post that I wrote, completely disregard it. Mr. Southern Sexypants is a stupid, old, lame lame man. He said that Philly was too far (two hours) for us to go for the day. He said that since he works so hard and is so busy that he just likes to chill on weekends. Look douchecanoe, I'm not asking you to run there. I'm asking you to ride shotgun in my car while we drive there. Womp womp. Yeah I get that you're a busy person and all that good shit but here's the deal: I work two jobs and I'm in school. Newsflash: I'm busy too. He basically had this holier than thou attitude about the whole situation so I broke it down for him. I definitely fired off some feisty texts because I could sense his attitude and I definitely wasn't feeling it. Trust and believe that I let him know real quick that he needed to back up the bus with his attitude. For some reason, he assumed that I was trying to be his girlfriend. When I read that text, I actually laughed out loud. I probably wouldn't know what a relationship looked like if it hit me in the face. Yes he is amazing and yes I would love to get to know him better but not once did I express interest in being his girlfriend. For the record, I expressed hypothetical interest in having his babies but that doesn't mean that I want him to stick around afterwards. Long story short, we go back and forth about this, that and the other; I told him to let me know when he wanted to hang out because I wasn't going to sit around and wait for his ass to pay attention to me. He asked me if I wanted to hang out last night, I promptly vetoed that because I called out of work (I've got an asthma attack, fever thing going on right now) and quite frankly, I didn't want to be bothered with other people. He asked me if I was mad at him for not wanting to go to Philly blah blah blah. No I'm not mad at you, I just think that you gave me the lamest excuse ever. And you're essentially preventing me from eating delicious cheesesteaks at Geno's!
Anyway, Lrog and I are doing dinner and a movie tonight. That will inevitably turn into a boy bashing event because we're pretty much fed up with all of the ones that we have in our lives. We agreed that we wouldn't go out in Bethesda tonight and there would also be no boys allowed. There's a problem with that second condition though, boys tend to flock to us. I'm not even kidding. Separately, we do just fine but together it's insane. Neither of us is quite sure how or why it happens. Either way, Lrog is definitely my partner in crime and I love her from the bottom of my heart.
In other "screw everyone" news, I essentially broke up with my friend Bruno. Normally, I would have a blog name for him but at this point, I don't give two shits. I went to middle school with this kid and we've been friends for a long time. I love him to death, I really do but sometimes, he's just too much to handle. We had some friends in town, people that we had gone to middle school with so we decided to go out. Let me give you a little background information, we all speak French so we usually talk shit about people in French when we're out in public. I do it discreetly and make sure my body language doesn't convey complete disgust for whoever I'm talking about. Bruno, on the other hand, will say shit to people as they walk by and he says it so aggressively that they automatically know that he's talking about them. The last time we went out, it was so out of control that I had to keep apologizing for his behavior. We went to my favorite sushi place because they have a late night menu and I, of course, was starving. We almost had to go somewhere else because Bruno was a dickhead to the bouncer. REALLY?! Let's be serious for a minute...I can do bad all by myself and I would really appreciate it if you would keep your shit together in a place that I come to on a regular basis. He was so out of line and was heckling the people that were walking by that we almost got kicked out, before I even got my food. I was livid. I asked him on multiple occasions to just shut the fuck up but that seemed to be hard for him to do. Another thing that he does that's not okay is that he actually leaves bruises on my body. He likes to leave handprints and bite marks. If we were sleeping together, I'd be kinda whatever about it but he hasn't stuck his ween in me so that shit's just not alright. That night, I basically told him to fuck off and he thought that I was kidding and that we would be hanging out a few days later. Not the case. He finally hit me up on Facebook chat earlier and asked me what the hell my problem was. Excuse me?! He wanted to know why I was ignoring him, I told him that it had something to do with the fact that he was a stupid fuck. We argued about it for a little bit and he tired to blame his behavior on the alcohol. That excuse doesn't fly with me because I know you've been drinking since you were 14 and you're 22 now. You know what I say to that shit...
I told him to go fuck himself and he told me to have a nice life. That's how the cookie crumbles.
I'm glad it's Friday. Lrog bailed for tonight because she forgot that she has to be at work early in the morning. That means that I'm going to run my errands on my way home from work and then I'm going to go home, put on my flannel pjs, open a beer and curl up on the couch with my laptop and Breaking Dawn. Don't judge me.
Disclaimer: The worst thing anyone can ever do to me is come between me and food. If you value your life, don't do it.
9.17.2011
Do the crotch dance!
I actually had shit that I was going to post, good shit too. But then I saw this video and I got so distracted. I'm not quite sure what to make of this shit. Once you watch it, you'll understand what I'm talking about.
The video's got cameos from Simon Rex, Wilmer Valderrama (so sexy) and Ron Jeremy. At first, I was confused as to whether or not it was a real video. WTF?!? They're definitely at Venice Beach though, that place is legit. If you haven't been, you should go because it's pretty sweet.
Anywho...
If you guys haven't seen the movie Columbiana, you really should only because Zoe Saldana is hot and the movie's awesome. I was standing in line to get the tickets with my friend Lrog last night and some guy behind us heard us talking about the movie, he told me I looked like Zoe Saldana. That's not the first time I've heard that either. Lrog tells me that a lot. I don't see it but I'll take it because she's hot as shit.
We were just supposed to do dinner and a movie. The night turned into a movie and shenanigans. Every time we go, it's always something different. I really should start blogging about our adventures because they're fucking hilarious. I don't know what it is about the two of us but we really are partners in crime. I'm going to have to discuss this with her to see what her thoughts are on "The Chronicles of Lrog and Mrog" and I'll get back to you.
In other news, it's currently 57 degrees in DC. That is cold as shit, not really though. I'm not physically built for winter, I just don't have enough meat on my bones. Either way, I've definitely been bundling up. I had to break out my Uggs today and people looked at me like I was insane while I was walking down the street. Keep in mind that these people were actually wearing coats. Stupid fucks.
You know what I'm doing with my Saturday night? Laundry and homework. I'm not lame at all. At least tomorrow's Sunday and I can watch football. I'm going to watch the game with this guy that I met last night. He's hot as shit and he's from TN (southern accent included). Seriously though, he's hot as shit. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
9.13.2011
Shit my dad says
When my dad starts drinking, he starts saying some of the funniest, most random, awkward and inappropriate shit. Most of these things were said during a 48 hours period. When he drinks, he reminds me a lot of Ice Cube's dad in all the Friday movies.
People don't learn swag. Either they're born with it or they aren't. I was nice enough to pass it on to you when you were born. You can thank me later.
Daddy: Kiddo, do you love me?
Me: confused Of course I do, you're the best dad a girl could ask for.
Daddy: Then why is my wine glass still empty?!
Between your mother and my current wife, I think I like you the best. Sometimes, I'm still not sure.
Daddy: Mackenzie, I love you.
Me: What do you want?
Daddy: Nothing, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I loved you.
Me: I know Dad, but you tend to only say it that way when you want something.
Daddy: Well now that we're on the subject, go make me a sandwich.
Me: Seriously?
Daddy: Yes seriously. Why are you still sitting here? Go to the store and buy shit so that you can make me a sandwich.
Me: Dude, the waitress wants to know if you want another drink.
Daddy: Shh, they're about to score.
Me: I know, I see that but she's standing here and she wants to know about five minutes ago.
Daddy: blatantly checking the waitress out Honey, you can bring me whatever you want.
Waitress: trying not to laugh in his face Sure thing sir, I'll be right back with another round.
Me: Seriously dad, can you at least wait until she's not looking at you to check her out?
Daddy: Why? She should take it as a compliment. I mean shit, I'm good-looking for an old guy.
Me: That's only because you got your looks and your cool factor from me.
Daddy: laughing I don't think so. I was there when you were born. You were wrinkly and you were funny looking. You grew out of it a little bit but you've still got a ways to go.
One of the players for the 49ers intercepted the ball from the opposing team and ran it back for a touchdown. It was legit because he ran across half the field and nobody could touch him. When my dad saw it, he started shouting at the TV...
Daddy: Go boy, go! Run like the cops are chasing you!
It got real quiet in the bar because everyone turned to look at him. I was laughing so hard that beer shot out of my nose.
Me: Dad, what the hell is wrong with you?
Daddy: What? Why is everyone looking at me like that? The boy is black, it's not like he's never run from the cops before.
Daddy: Mackenzie, you see that ugly girl over there? She's got a big old phattie and she is working that dress.
Me: She's really not attractive at all.
Daddy: That ain't nothing that a bag won't fix.
Me: You are not alright.
To be continued...
People don't learn swag. Either they're born with it or they aren't. I was nice enough to pass it on to you when you were born. You can thank me later.
Daddy: Kiddo, do you love me?
Me: confused Of course I do, you're the best dad a girl could ask for.
Daddy: Then why is my wine glass still empty?!
Between your mother and my current wife, I think I like you the best. Sometimes, I'm still not sure.
Daddy: Mackenzie, I love you.
Me: What do you want?
Daddy: Nothing, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I loved you.
Me: I know Dad, but you tend to only say it that way when you want something.
Daddy: Well now that we're on the subject, go make me a sandwich.
Me: Seriously?
Daddy: Yes seriously. Why are you still sitting here? Go to the store and buy shit so that you can make me a sandwich.
Me: Dude, the waitress wants to know if you want another drink.
Daddy: Shh, they're about to score.
Me: I know, I see that but she's standing here and she wants to know about five minutes ago.
Daddy: blatantly checking the waitress out Honey, you can bring me whatever you want.
Waitress: trying not to laugh in his face Sure thing sir, I'll be right back with another round.
Me: Seriously dad, can you at least wait until she's not looking at you to check her out?
Daddy: Why? She should take it as a compliment. I mean shit, I'm good-looking for an old guy.
Me: That's only because you got your looks and your cool factor from me.
Daddy: laughing I don't think so. I was there when you were born. You were wrinkly and you were funny looking. You grew out of it a little bit but you've still got a ways to go.
One of the players for the 49ers intercepted the ball from the opposing team and ran it back for a touchdown. It was legit because he ran across half the field and nobody could touch him. When my dad saw it, he started shouting at the TV...
Daddy: Go boy, go! Run like the cops are chasing you!
It got real quiet in the bar because everyone turned to look at him. I was laughing so hard that beer shot out of my nose.
Me: Dad, what the hell is wrong with you?
Daddy: What? Why is everyone looking at me like that? The boy is black, it's not like he's never run from the cops before.
Daddy: Mackenzie, you see that ugly girl over there? She's got a big old phattie and she is working that dress.
Me: She's really not attractive at all.
Daddy: That ain't nothing that a bag won't fix.
Me: You are not alright.
To be continued...
9.05.2011
Weekend Recap
This post would have come sooner but I legitimately didn't have time for it, actually doing shit wears me out! Thursday was my mom's birthday, she swears that it was her 45th. Lies. Add about ten years and you'll have her correct age but to humor her, I keep wishing her a happy 50th every year. Anyway, being the nice daughter that I am, I bought her tickets to tour Fallingwater. If you don't know what that is, feel free to educate yourself here. I think that it is, by far, one of my favorite Frank Lloyd Wright homes. It's absolutely stunning. Our tour appointment was at 8:30AM (ungodly hour) and we left my place at 4:30AM (an even ungodlier hour) because we didn't want to get stuck in traffic or get lost. We didn't get stuck in traffic but we did get lost. Mommy blames it on the incredibly dense fog but I blame it on her inability to read a ginormous street sign. Seriously though, the fog was so dense and so low that we couldn't even see the brake lights on the car in front of us. Mapquest decided to play a sick joke on us and take us through the backwoods of PA. Kid you not, we were driving on two lane, rollercoaster like roads; there were cornfields on one side and cows and horse on the other. I was totally okay with that because I like to get down with nature. But then, I happen to notice lovely Confederate flags everywhere. My mom instinctively locks the car doors and we both check our phones...of course, we had no service. The dramatic person that I am, I immediately start ranting about how the car is going to die and backwoods, inbred rednecks are going to sniff us out. They're going to come find us and then they're going do horrible things to us AND make us squeal like pigs. I've seen Deliverance and everything that happened in that movie happens in real life, duh!
Anyway, we make it out of the Confederacy alive and we get to Ohiopyle, PA. Cutest little place I have ever seen. I really need to go back there for a weekend with a friend (preferably a boy) and shack up in a cabin and do nothing, or something depending on how you look out it. Anyway, we finally make it to Fallingwater unharmed. Smart girl that I am, I had forgotten to charge my camera the night before so it died halfway through the tour. Idiot. I did take some sweet pictures with my phone though. I really took the most random pictures ever.
We got back from PA a lot earlier than we thought that we would so I decided that we were going to the gun range because I wanted to learn about the classes that they offered. I'm really glad that Mommy went with me because it was really intimidating and had I been alone, I probably would have just walked out. She was not happy to be there at all because she thinks that I have anger issues and that as soon as I learn how to shoot a gun, I'm going to go out and buy one and start shooting everyone that pissed me off. We actually had a serious conversation about it that resulted in me getting really pissed off. She actually thinks that I would physically harm someone. REALLY?!? If that's the case mother dear, then you should reevaluate your parenting skills. I would never, in my life, actually physically harm someone. I don't have the time nor do I have the patience for it and oh by the way, I was taught that hurting others is wrong. That whole conversation with her thoroughly annoyed me.
Moving on. On Sunday, I spent some much needed girl time with my friend Chelsea. We had sushi and we went to see Our Idiot Brother. It was pretty good. I'm so glad that we had girl time because we really needed to vent and get things off our chest. She's so cute, I love her.
Today, I was supposed to go to the beach with my friend Bruno and his friend Philippe. That didn't quite work out because the weather wasn't looking so hot. Instead we decided that crabs were a better idea. Since Philippe had never been to Annapolis, we decided to go there to stuff our faces. I'm from Maryland so I'll crush the shit out of some crabs but today I wasn't quite feeling all the work . We settled for a dozen crabs, shrimp and a shit ton of fried because we're cool like that. After we stuffed our faces, we decided that going to Ikea was a good idea. Seriously, best idea ever. I love that store but I hate it when I go in there and don't have the money to buy everything that I need. I saw that couch and all the furniture that I want for my apartment. I needed to go and see that shit, now I'm totally motivated to get back on that track. After we left Ikea, we went to Coldstone because we're fatties like that. I pay no attention to college sports so I had no idea why the traffic was so bad in College Park. Turns out that University of Miami was playing UMD and that's why traffic was so bad on Route 1. Damn football.
By the time I got home and sat down on the couch, my exhaustion finally settled in. Tomorrow, I promise a picture post with all the good shit I took at Fallingwater. Until then, I'm going to catch up on my sleep.
Later bitches!!
Anyway, we make it out of the Confederacy alive and we get to Ohiopyle, PA. Cutest little place I have ever seen. I really need to go back there for a weekend with a friend (preferably a boy) and shack up in a cabin and do nothing, or something depending on how you look out it. Anyway, we finally make it to Fallingwater unharmed. Smart girl that I am, I had forgotten to charge my camera the night before so it died halfway through the tour. Idiot. I did take some sweet pictures with my phone though. I really took the most random pictures ever.
We got back from PA a lot earlier than we thought that we would so I decided that we were going to the gun range because I wanted to learn about the classes that they offered. I'm really glad that Mommy went with me because it was really intimidating and had I been alone, I probably would have just walked out. She was not happy to be there at all because she thinks that I have anger issues and that as soon as I learn how to shoot a gun, I'm going to go out and buy one and start shooting everyone that pissed me off. We actually had a serious conversation about it that resulted in me getting really pissed off. She actually thinks that I would physically harm someone. REALLY?!? If that's the case mother dear, then you should reevaluate your parenting skills. I would never, in my life, actually physically harm someone. I don't have the time nor do I have the patience for it and oh by the way, I was taught that hurting others is wrong. That whole conversation with her thoroughly annoyed me.
Moving on. On Sunday, I spent some much needed girl time with my friend Chelsea. We had sushi and we went to see Our Idiot Brother. It was pretty good. I'm so glad that we had girl time because we really needed to vent and get things off our chest. She's so cute, I love her.
Today, I was supposed to go to the beach with my friend Bruno and his friend Philippe. That didn't quite work out because the weather wasn't looking so hot. Instead we decided that crabs were a better idea. Since Philippe had never been to Annapolis, we decided to go there to stuff our faces. I'm from Maryland so I'll crush the shit out of some crabs but today I wasn't quite feeling all the work . We settled for a dozen crabs, shrimp and a shit ton of fried because we're cool like that. After we stuffed our faces, we decided that going to Ikea was a good idea. Seriously, best idea ever. I love that store but I hate it when I go in there and don't have the money to buy everything that I need. I saw that couch and all the furniture that I want for my apartment. I needed to go and see that shit, now I'm totally motivated to get back on that track. After we left Ikea, we went to Coldstone because we're fatties like that. I pay no attention to college sports so I had no idea why the traffic was so bad in College Park. Turns out that University of Miami was playing UMD and that's why traffic was so bad on Route 1. Damn football.
By the time I got home and sat down on the couch, my exhaustion finally settled in. Tomorrow, I promise a picture post with all the good shit I took at Fallingwater. Until then, I'm going to catch up on my sleep.
Later bitches!!
8.31.2011
Things on my mind today
Blogger, I love you and I love your brilliant idea to give us a more streamlined layout. I nearly creamed myself when I saw it/played with it. I heart you.
Today's such a random day and my brain is pretty much fried but I just wanted to take the time to share with you some things that have been on my mind.
That is the saddest picture that I have ever seen in my fucking life. This family lived in on Albermarle Sound in Nags Head, NC. Those steps and pillars are all that's left of their house. Fucking Hurricane Irene, stupid fucking bitch.
Today's such a random day and my brain is pretty much fried but I just wanted to take the time to share with you some things that have been on my mind.
That is the saddest picture that I have ever seen in my fucking life. This family lived in on Albermarle Sound in Nags Head, NC. Those steps and pillars are all that's left of their house. Fucking Hurricane Irene, stupid fucking bitch.
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Downtown New Brunswick NJ
This looks like a scene from some crazy movie. There are entire towns that have been turned into islands within VT because bridges have collapsed or been washed away. Pittsfiled, VT is now one of those in state islands. The people in the town weren't really worried, they had a freaking BBQ. How awesome is that shit?!? The town has a population of 427 people. I read the article on CNN this morning. They're driving around on ATVs because the roads are so bad. I love the fact that in a seriously shitty time, they're staying positive. They probably won't see this but people of Pittsfield VT, I think you're fucking amazing!
In other news, some stupid fuck threw his son off of a moving boat. When I read the article on my crackberry this morning, I was half asleep. Naturally, it didn't click until I woke up. This man actually threw his child off of a moving tour boat, in a goddamn busy harbor. The guy was on the boat with his two sons and his girlfriend. He said that he was just horsing around. How stupid are you, mister? There were 85 people on that boat that could vouch for your horrible parenting skills. Do you honestly think that the mother of your children is going to allow you anymore visitation rights?! If she has any brain cells, she won't. His mug shot has been released and posted on CNN.com. I hope karma gets him back for jeopardizing his child's llife.
That brings me to my next issue. This man is also a horrible father. He apparently organized a fight for his son and some other kid. The other kid showed up at the house and I guess he started mouthing off ; the dad didn't like it so HE decides to beat the shit out of the kid himself. I will warn you that the video is shocking and appalling. There are clearly other people in that background and someone is taping the fight but no one cares to stop the adult from beating up the child?!? What the fuck is wrong with these people?! These two stupid fucks are going on the shitty parent list but Casey Anthony will still be number one. She's a stupid bitch.
I cannot singing this song, soon you'll be singing it too. It's okay, you can thank me later...
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8.27.2011
Here's what really happened
**This is an addendum to the previous post
I was angry when I said those things to you but more importantly, my feelings were hurt. I knew that I cared about you way more than you cared about me. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that so I denied it for the longest time. At times, I even felt like I wasn't good enough for you. When I talked to you on Thursday, I said everything out of spite and mildly lashed out because you were on my shit list and I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stay friends with you at all. When I got off work and went to the restaurant last night, I saw you sitting at the bar. My heart sank because I knew that I had hurt you and made you angry. That was never my intention; I was just trying to make you understand that I wasn't pleased with you. As usual, I fucked shit up and spoke with anger. Some of what I said was true. When I make plans that I try to include you in, I half expect them to not go as planned because something always comes up in your life. Not once have you ever actually come out and said that you didn't want to do anything that I had planned. For me, you not being able to follow thru at the last minute was equivalent to you saying "fuck off". My only intention was for us to do something fun, together. Maybe that was "our" downfall. When you left the restaurant after our conversation the other day, I vowed that I would not be the first person to make contact with the other.
I needed a favor last night and you were the only one that I trusted enough to help me. I was trying to swallow my pride and mentally prepare myself to grovel at your feet, all while asking for help. I turned around and started walking towards you a good three times, people must have thought that I was crazy because I kept turning around and going in the opposite direction. When I finally decided to let my sac drop, I turned around to go inside and talk to you but you were already walking towards me. It was so awkward that we might as well have been 6th graders with crushes on each other. I asked you to help me and said that I would totally understand if you said no, given the way I acted towards you. To my surprise, you agreed to help me. I was shocked. That just further reinforces how much of a bitch I am. I was mean to you and you were still willing to help me out. On the ride up to the tow lot, there was an awkward silence that I really wanted to fill with conversation but you knew that I would be forcing it so I just left it alone. I was on the verge of tears because I knew that I had driven a wedge in our friendship.
I eventually came to terms with the fact that we'll never actually be "together" but it kills me to think that I fucked up our entire friendship because I was being a moody bitch. Every time I see you, I can't help but smile because you just have that effect. For what it's worth, I like having you in my life...in whatever form that may be.
I was angry when I said those things to you but more importantly, my feelings were hurt. I knew that I cared about you way more than you cared about me. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that so I denied it for the longest time. At times, I even felt like I wasn't good enough for you. When I talked to you on Thursday, I said everything out of spite and mildly lashed out because you were on my shit list and I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stay friends with you at all. When I got off work and went to the restaurant last night, I saw you sitting at the bar. My heart sank because I knew that I had hurt you and made you angry. That was never my intention; I was just trying to make you understand that I wasn't pleased with you. As usual, I fucked shit up and spoke with anger. Some of what I said was true. When I make plans that I try to include you in, I half expect them to not go as planned because something always comes up in your life. Not once have you ever actually come out and said that you didn't want to do anything that I had planned. For me, you not being able to follow thru at the last minute was equivalent to you saying "fuck off". My only intention was for us to do something fun, together. Maybe that was "our" downfall. When you left the restaurant after our conversation the other day, I vowed that I would not be the first person to make contact with the other.
I needed a favor last night and you were the only one that I trusted enough to help me. I was trying to swallow my pride and mentally prepare myself to grovel at your feet, all while asking for help. I turned around and started walking towards you a good three times, people must have thought that I was crazy because I kept turning around and going in the opposite direction. When I finally decided to let my sac drop, I turned around to go inside and talk to you but you were already walking towards me. It was so awkward that we might as well have been 6th graders with crushes on each other. I asked you to help me and said that I would totally understand if you said no, given the way I acted towards you. To my surprise, you agreed to help me. I was shocked. That just further reinforces how much of a bitch I am. I was mean to you and you were still willing to help me out. On the ride up to the tow lot, there was an awkward silence that I really wanted to fill with conversation but you knew that I would be forcing it so I just left it alone. I was on the verge of tears because I knew that I had driven a wedge in our friendship.
I eventually came to terms with the fact that we'll never actually be "together" but it kills me to think that I fucked up our entire friendship because I was being a moody bitch. Every time I see you, I can't help but smile because you just have that effect. For what it's worth, I like having you in my life...in whatever form that may be.
8.26.2011
I should have known better
This is another letter to someone that will never read it, that's his loss.
We met a little less than a year ago. You came into the restaurant with some of my boys and sat in my section. I had seen you working at the dealership so I was immediately a lot nicer to you than I would be to a "random" table. I kept telling the guys that you were cute and that I wanted them to bring you in, they finally came thru for me. You were so cute when you asked me for a beer, I served it to you knowing full well that you weren't quite 21. Our first conversation was about belly button fucking. By the end of that, I was laughing so hard that I was crying. You were funny, you carried yourself well and I was smitten at first glance. I should have known that it was too good to be true.
You came back a few days later to sit in my section and I didn't have any other tables so I sat down with you. We talked about random shit and you kept me laughing. My cheeks had started hurting from laughing and smiling; it was just so easy with you. You asked me for my number while I was in the process of giving it to you. You smiled at me and brushed the hair out of my eyes. We had made plans to hang out that Friday night when I got off work. We stayed at the restaurant and drank because it was the only place that would serve you. Neither of us wanted the night to end so we went to the Diner and got grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon. We stayed there for hours just bullshitting and laughing. I finally took you back to your car and we sat, parked in the driveway, for another two hours. There was so much sexual tension, we could both feel it. We hadn't even done anything but the windows were already fogging up. I told you that I had to leave because I had to be back at the restaurant in 4 hours to help prepare for the street festival that we were participating in. You came around to my side of the car and you brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and asked if you could kiss me. My heart legitimately skipped a beat. You kissed me and it took my breath away, literally. I wasn't expecting such a seriously intense kiss from a guy your age.
You came to the festival and hung out. You met my dad because he just so happened to come by, you had an actual responsible adult conversation. He liked you. We made plans to hang out later that night after I went home and took a nap. I got to your place and we watched movies and cuddled. It was weird but I liked it. I liked hanging out with you, we always had a good time. You took me to your mom's birthday party and I met your family. I fell in love with them. To all the guys at the dealership, we were a pair. We acted like we were together, we didn't make plans without consulting the other person first.
And then things changed. I think that we got too close, too fast and it freaked you out. I was the only one that didn't have a problem with it. I was smitten and I did things for you that I never do for guys. I knew how much you wanted to go see Mac Miller in December but you had waited too late and the tickets were sold out. I found you $200 tickets (before they sold out, the tickets were $15) to a concert that I didn't even want to go to. I gave you the tickets as a Christmas present and told you to go with one of your boys. What did I get in return? An orgasm. I shouldn't have gotten you the tickets. I shouldn't have cleared my entire schedule for you on the day before Thanksgiving. You wanted a fucking philly cheesesteak from Geno's. You bitched and moaned about it the entire day before that I decided that I would drive you to Philly in a fuck ton of holiday traffic so that you could get your damn cheesesteak and then pass out in the car on the way back. I would have gone through with it had you not started bleeding from your vag like a little bitch.
I changed my plans for you and I got nothing in return. All my friends knew who you were but in the entire time that we were doing whatever it was that we were doing, I only met one of your friends. I brought you Starbucks when you didn't have time to go get it before school. I had the flu and asked you if you could drop off some Nyquil on your way home from work. I knew that it was out of your way but you just couldn't be bothered. You had a New Year's Eve party at your place and didn't bother to say anything to me until the day of. You said that I should have known that I was already invited. Silly me! In January, I spent weeks preparing for this huge event at work, an event that I was running on my own. Every time I worked late and couldn't hang out, all you did was bitch and moan about how I never spent enough time with you. When I would come over after work and I was dead tired, I would lay down in your bed and I could barely keep my eyes open. You got mad because you didn't invite me over to sleep. The day of the event came and went. I had stayed up for days stressing out about it and the day of, we had breakfast and you asked me nothing about it. When my current boss offered me the job back in September, I was so fucking excited about it. You were the first person I told, you were excited for me.
At the time, all the effort that I was putting into our "relationship" seemed normal. Hindsight is 20/20. I was putting in 85% and you were putting in the rest. It frustrated me up until yesterday. I would always make plans for us to do stuff, per your request, and then you would bail at the last minute; that was your MO. I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes, I would sit by the phone and wait for you to call like you said you would. I was stupid and I knew it but for some reason, I just couldn't let go. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out and stop wasting my time. It could have been the fact that you were the first guy, in a long time, that I actually liked and that I could actually see myself. You did nothing but take advantage on me and the way I treated you; I never realized it at the time.
I had two tickets to the Skins Ravens game, they were 3rd row fucking seats. You and I had always talked about going to a game last season but never made it. When I got the tickets, I immediately thought of you. I only wanted to go with you because I knew that we would have an amazing time. I asked you to go with me at the beginning of the week and you were so excited, we immediately started talking shit because we both root for different teams (you're stupid enough to be a Skins fan). In the back of my mind, I knew that you were going to bail at the last minute. Instead of waiting around for it to happen, I made plans for someone else to come with me. As predicted, you bailed on me the day before the game. I thanked you for being predictable. You actually had the never to get mad at me. You stupid fool. For once, I planned ahead so that I wouldn't be left high and dry for something that I really wanted to do. Seriously, they're third row seats!! If you can't get your shit together enough to be able to come to a damn football game with me for third row seats, I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. You came in to order lunch from me and you asked me why I was mad at you. I explained that I wasn't the slightest bit mad at you, I was mad at myself for still holding out hope for you...hope that maybe one day, you would come keep your word. After that conversation, I stopped hoping.
A little less than a year after I met you, thanks for finally putting things into perspective for me...better late than never.
We met a little less than a year ago. You came into the restaurant with some of my boys and sat in my section. I had seen you working at the dealership so I was immediately a lot nicer to you than I would be to a "random" table. I kept telling the guys that you were cute and that I wanted them to bring you in, they finally came thru for me. You were so cute when you asked me for a beer, I served it to you knowing full well that you weren't quite 21. Our first conversation was about belly button fucking. By the end of that, I was laughing so hard that I was crying. You were funny, you carried yourself well and I was smitten at first glance. I should have known that it was too good to be true.
You came back a few days later to sit in my section and I didn't have any other tables so I sat down with you. We talked about random shit and you kept me laughing. My cheeks had started hurting from laughing and smiling; it was just so easy with you. You asked me for my number while I was in the process of giving it to you. You smiled at me and brushed the hair out of my eyes. We had made plans to hang out that Friday night when I got off work. We stayed at the restaurant and drank because it was the only place that would serve you. Neither of us wanted the night to end so we went to the Diner and got grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon. We stayed there for hours just bullshitting and laughing. I finally took you back to your car and we sat, parked in the driveway, for another two hours. There was so much sexual tension, we could both feel it. We hadn't even done anything but the windows were already fogging up. I told you that I had to leave because I had to be back at the restaurant in 4 hours to help prepare for the street festival that we were participating in. You came around to my side of the car and you brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and asked if you could kiss me. My heart legitimately skipped a beat. You kissed me and it took my breath away, literally. I wasn't expecting such a seriously intense kiss from a guy your age.
You came to the festival and hung out. You met my dad because he just so happened to come by, you had an actual responsible adult conversation. He liked you. We made plans to hang out later that night after I went home and took a nap. I got to your place and we watched movies and cuddled. It was weird but I liked it. I liked hanging out with you, we always had a good time. You took me to your mom's birthday party and I met your family. I fell in love with them. To all the guys at the dealership, we were a pair. We acted like we were together, we didn't make plans without consulting the other person first.
And then things changed. I think that we got too close, too fast and it freaked you out. I was the only one that didn't have a problem with it. I was smitten and I did things for you that I never do for guys. I knew how much you wanted to go see Mac Miller in December but you had waited too late and the tickets were sold out. I found you $200 tickets (before they sold out, the tickets were $15) to a concert that I didn't even want to go to. I gave you the tickets as a Christmas present and told you to go with one of your boys. What did I get in return? An orgasm. I shouldn't have gotten you the tickets. I shouldn't have cleared my entire schedule for you on the day before Thanksgiving. You wanted a fucking philly cheesesteak from Geno's. You bitched and moaned about it the entire day before that I decided that I would drive you to Philly in a fuck ton of holiday traffic so that you could get your damn cheesesteak and then pass out in the car on the way back. I would have gone through with it had you not started bleeding from your vag like a little bitch.
I changed my plans for you and I got nothing in return. All my friends knew who you were but in the entire time that we were doing whatever it was that we were doing, I only met one of your friends. I brought you Starbucks when you didn't have time to go get it before school. I had the flu and asked you if you could drop off some Nyquil on your way home from work. I knew that it was out of your way but you just couldn't be bothered. You had a New Year's Eve party at your place and didn't bother to say anything to me until the day of. You said that I should have known that I was already invited. Silly me! In January, I spent weeks preparing for this huge event at work, an event that I was running on my own. Every time I worked late and couldn't hang out, all you did was bitch and moan about how I never spent enough time with you. When I would come over after work and I was dead tired, I would lay down in your bed and I could barely keep my eyes open. You got mad because you didn't invite me over to sleep. The day of the event came and went. I had stayed up for days stressing out about it and the day of, we had breakfast and you asked me nothing about it. When my current boss offered me the job back in September, I was so fucking excited about it. You were the first person I told, you were excited for me.
At the time, all the effort that I was putting into our "relationship" seemed normal. Hindsight is 20/20. I was putting in 85% and you were putting in the rest. It frustrated me up until yesterday. I would always make plans for us to do stuff, per your request, and then you would bail at the last minute; that was your MO. I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes, I would sit by the phone and wait for you to call like you said you would. I was stupid and I knew it but for some reason, I just couldn't let go. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out and stop wasting my time. It could have been the fact that you were the first guy, in a long time, that I actually liked and that I could actually see myself. You did nothing but take advantage on me and the way I treated you; I never realized it at the time.
I had two tickets to the Skins Ravens game, they were 3rd row fucking seats. You and I had always talked about going to a game last season but never made it. When I got the tickets, I immediately thought of you. I only wanted to go with you because I knew that we would have an amazing time. I asked you to go with me at the beginning of the week and you were so excited, we immediately started talking shit because we both root for different teams (you're stupid enough to be a Skins fan). In the back of my mind, I knew that you were going to bail at the last minute. Instead of waiting around for it to happen, I made plans for someone else to come with me. As predicted, you bailed on me the day before the game. I thanked you for being predictable. You actually had the never to get mad at me. You stupid fool. For once, I planned ahead so that I wouldn't be left high and dry for something that I really wanted to do. Seriously, they're third row seats!! If you can't get your shit together enough to be able to come to a damn football game with me for third row seats, I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. You came in to order lunch from me and you asked me why I was mad at you. I explained that I wasn't the slightest bit mad at you, I was mad at myself for still holding out hope for you...hope that maybe one day, you would come keep your word. After that conversation, I stopped hoping.
A little less than a year after I met you, thanks for finally putting things into perspective for me...better late than never.
7.25.2011
Football, Rolling Papers and basic bitches
And so my day was made, football is back on bitches!!! I honestly could not be happier because my Sundays during the Fall are now complete.
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| This is what we're like on a regular basis In other news that NFL.com deems as important as the end of the lockout, Kristin Cavallari gets dumped by Jay Cutler. Who cares? I understand that he's a pretty notable football player but why is this article on the homepage?! She's going to cry her heart out and then maybe get back on MTV's nuts. She'll be fine. |
The BFF and I went to the Wiz concert last night. When I got home, I reeked of sweat, weed and alcohol. Sexiest smell ever! Not. Everyone and their mother was smoking weed there, it was literally everywhere. I think yesterday was the one time that I have ever wished that I did drugs because the marijuana smelled delicious. Wiz legit sat on stage and smoked a blunt during one of his songs. The name of his tour might have something to do with that...
I don't know a ton of his new stuff, I'm more familiar with his older mixtape stuff. He definitely put on a good show though. I think I was more excited to see Mac Miller than anyone else. BFF and I went to see him at the 930 club on Cinco de Drinko but I don't really remember the end of the show because I was really drunk. I like to keep it classy. I get that Wiz is from Pittsburgh and all that good shit but I can't stand the fucking Steelers. They are the only thing that stands in the way of the Ravens and the Superbowl and I will not tolerate that shit this season. We will treat the Steelers the way Roethlisberger treats women. I do really love the song Black & Yellow though; somehow my stereo knows when the song comes on and it just happens to turn up real loud all by itself. That's what I like to call swag.
So remember how I said that I wasn't going to my high school reunion, I might to have to reconsider that. I was doing some Facebook stalking (because all the cool kids are doing it, duh!) and I happen to see that Goof is going to be there. If you remember, I wrote Reasons why I won't date you about him. I was creeping on his profile and saw that he was in a relationship with some bitch named Ashley. If you read the post, you'd know that things never would have worked out between us. There should be no reason as to why this simple discovery bothers me. I didn't want him and I made that quite clear; I shouldn't give two shits that he's with some chick that looks exactly like his ex and even happens to have the same name. I'm just hating on bitches right now but this is how I vent and get shit off my chest. So now I have to go to this damn reunion, not because he's going to be there with his gf but because he's going to be at my bar, uninvited and he needs to see that had he not been a stupid fuck, I could have been his gf. I will fully admit that I'm not being rational or mature about the situation but I don't give two shits. The reunion is at a bar in Bethesda that I go to on a regular basis, it's my bar. I popped his Tommy Joe's cherry when I took him there for the first time so it's against the rules for him to bring some stupid bitch there. It's the principal of it! I don't even know her but I guarantee that she is, in fact, a stupid bitch simply because birds of a feather flock together. I'm glad that I have a blog because it allows me to vent about basic bitches "in private". I only used that term because said bitches are too basic to realize that I even have a blog. Okay, I'm doing being a stupid, hating bitch...for now.
In friendly and loving news, I just want to thank all my followers, new and old, because you guys are amazing. I love that people actually read the nonsense that I type, or they at least act like they do. I swear I'm not always an angry person!
7.20.2011
Mayonnaise!?
First and foremost, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments and concern for Big Poppa and his health. He got out of the hospital yesterday and it really felt like there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I went to go see him when I got off work last night. He got mad because I was talking during "America's Got Talent". Nice to have you home, Dad! He said the one plus to being in the hospital was that he could watch TV and not have his wife call his name every 5 minutes; I sympathize with that because his wife is the most vile person I have ever met. Words cannot describe my dislike for her and vice versa; that clearly needs to be a post one day. The docs gave him some dietary restrictions and things like that. Keep in mind that they gave him instructions and lifestyle changes because they want him to live longer and be healthy, not to piss him off. They told him that he wasn't allowed to have mayonnaise anymore. You should have seen his face when he told me that, it was equivalent to one he would make if the world were to end tomorrow. This is how the no mayo conversation went...
Dad: So they told me I probably shouldn't eat mayo anymore.
Me: I don't think that's how they phrased it, dude. I'm pretty sure they told you that you should just cut it out all together.
Dad: (takes a deep breath) So what if they didn't say it that way. I love mayo and I'm proud of it. It's been with me for a long time and it has never done me wrong.
Me: (laughing) You're talking about a condiment as if it were a person. It's mayonnaise, it's super gross and you're better off without it. Your arteries will thank you later.
Dad: But you see, the immediate problem is that my taste buds are going to be unhappy now. So will my stomach. I'm not a happy person when I don't eat mayo.
Me: Seriously, what is wrong with you? Did they run head tests will you were at the hospital? I'm confused as to why you're making a huge fuss about mayo.
Dad: Well confusion seems to run in the family because I'm confused as to why you now hate it. You loved it when you were little.
Me: You must be confusing me with your other child. (mind you, I'm an only child) I don't ever remember liking mayo or eating it willingly for that matter. I remember the time Mommy made me a tuna salad sandwich and I ate it, not knowing what was in it. It was good so I asked her what was in it. When she told me what it is, I threw up on her.
Dad: You purposefully threw up on your mother? Why would you do that?!
Me: I didn't meant to, the mayo made me sick. I was probably 5 or 6 years old; I didn't know any better.
Dad: (rolling his eyes) Mayonnaise does not make you sick, Mackenzie. I used to give it to you all the time when you were little. I would sit you on the kitchen counter while I made us bologna sandwiches and I put mayo on them. You were so cute, you would stick your tiny hand in the jar and then lick it. Then we would walk from the kitchen to the living room, sit on the couch and watch TV. I had to bribe you with candy so you wouldn't tell mommy that I let you sit on the kitchen counter naked, we didn't use plates or napkins and probably tracked crumbs everywhere. You know how she is about crumbs. Anyway, when she would leave you with me some days because she had a lot of errands to run, we always had a good time. I never made you put on clothes around the house because you would always end up taking them off, you didn't like getting dressed when you were a toddler. You always wanted to eat hot dogs with me because mommy never used to let you have them. I'd give you the hot dog, no bun because you didn't like it. You'd stick it in the jar of mayonnaise just like I taught you and you would sit there munching away with a big old smile on your face.
He looked at me fondly, as if he missed the good old days. I was horrified. Clearly, there were a lot of things wrong with my childhood and just seem to have repressed those memories. He seems to think that there was nothing wrong with anything that he had just told me. Really, Dad?! You let me stick my grimy hands in the jar of mayonnaise? That's disgusting; knowing a toddler version of me, my hands were probably dirty as shit. You sat me on the kitchen counter ass naked. Mommy's gonna be real mad at you when she finds out about that! And then, you let me walk around with food in my hands without using a plate or a napkin. You're lucky that you just got out of the hospital because had you not, Mommy would kill you for that. Her biggest pet peeve is stepping on crumbs while she's barefoot. Thanks for letting me run around naked when I was younger; you nipped my "girls gone wild phase" in the bud at an early age. Knowing you, Father Dear, you didn't even cook the hot dogs. I just want to reiterate that mayonnaise is disgusting. If you fed it to me as much as you say you did, I probably developed an aversion to it that lasted well over 20 years. I'm totally okay with that.
In other news, I got an invite to my 5 year high school reunion the other day. I promptly started hyper ventilating; it has nothing to do with the fact that I've been out of high school for 5 years. I'm totally okay with that fact because time passes. What I'm not okay with is the fact that a shit ton of people I went to high school with are going to be converging on my local hang out spot in Bethesda. I went to Gaithersburg High School, 20 minutes away from Bethesda. As you can tell, I don't particularly like those people. They weren't nice to me in high school and I really doubt that they'll be nice to me now. The sad part is that I give every single one of them the benefit of doubt because I can't help it. I always look for the good in people because I'm a nice person...sometimes, but not really though. Damn high school reunion, I hate you. People are already going crazy over it. The girls are going to bring out their best outfits and all that good shit. I will not be apart of the shit show. I'm going to sit at home and get my nerd on while reading the rest of the Twilight series.
I started singing this on my way to work this morning. I don't know why my brain likes to play tricks on me like that. I've been singing this damn song all day.
Dad: So they told me I probably shouldn't eat mayo anymore.
Me: I don't think that's how they phrased it, dude. I'm pretty sure they told you that you should just cut it out all together.
Dad: (takes a deep breath) So what if they didn't say it that way. I love mayo and I'm proud of it. It's been with me for a long time and it has never done me wrong.
Me: (laughing) You're talking about a condiment as if it were a person. It's mayonnaise, it's super gross and you're better off without it. Your arteries will thank you later.
Dad: But you see, the immediate problem is that my taste buds are going to be unhappy now. So will my stomach. I'm not a happy person when I don't eat mayo.
Me: Seriously, what is wrong with you? Did they run head tests will you were at the hospital? I'm confused as to why you're making a huge fuss about mayo.
Dad: Well confusion seems to run in the family because I'm confused as to why you now hate it. You loved it when you were little.
Me: You must be confusing me with your other child. (mind you, I'm an only child) I don't ever remember liking mayo or eating it willingly for that matter. I remember the time Mommy made me a tuna salad sandwich and I ate it, not knowing what was in it. It was good so I asked her what was in it. When she told me what it is, I threw up on her.
Dad: You purposefully threw up on your mother? Why would you do that?!
Me: I didn't meant to, the mayo made me sick. I was probably 5 or 6 years old; I didn't know any better.
Dad: (rolling his eyes) Mayonnaise does not make you sick, Mackenzie. I used to give it to you all the time when you were little. I would sit you on the kitchen counter while I made us bologna sandwiches and I put mayo on them. You were so cute, you would stick your tiny hand in the jar and then lick it. Then we would walk from the kitchen to the living room, sit on the couch and watch TV. I had to bribe you with candy so you wouldn't tell mommy that I let you sit on the kitchen counter naked, we didn't use plates or napkins and probably tracked crumbs everywhere. You know how she is about crumbs. Anyway, when she would leave you with me some days because she had a lot of errands to run, we always had a good time. I never made you put on clothes around the house because you would always end up taking them off, you didn't like getting dressed when you were a toddler. You always wanted to eat hot dogs with me because mommy never used to let you have them. I'd give you the hot dog, no bun because you didn't like it. You'd stick it in the jar of mayonnaise just like I taught you and you would sit there munching away with a big old smile on your face.
He looked at me fondly, as if he missed the good old days. I was horrified. Clearly, there were a lot of things wrong with my childhood and just seem to have repressed those memories. He seems to think that there was nothing wrong with anything that he had just told me. Really, Dad?! You let me stick my grimy hands in the jar of mayonnaise? That's disgusting; knowing a toddler version of me, my hands were probably dirty as shit. You sat me on the kitchen counter ass naked. Mommy's gonna be real mad at you when she finds out about that! And then, you let me walk around with food in my hands without using a plate or a napkin. You're lucky that you just got out of the hospital because had you not, Mommy would kill you for that. Her biggest pet peeve is stepping on crumbs while she's barefoot. Thanks for letting me run around naked when I was younger; you nipped my "girls gone wild phase" in the bud at an early age. Knowing you, Father Dear, you didn't even cook the hot dogs. I just want to reiterate that mayonnaise is disgusting. If you fed it to me as much as you say you did, I probably developed an aversion to it that lasted well over 20 years. I'm totally okay with that.
 |
| This is my reaction to eating mayo as a child |
In other news, I got an invite to my 5 year high school reunion the other day. I promptly started hyper ventilating; it has nothing to do with the fact that I've been out of high school for 5 years. I'm totally okay with that fact because time passes. What I'm not okay with is the fact that a shit ton of people I went to high school with are going to be converging on my local hang out spot in Bethesda. I went to Gaithersburg High School, 20 minutes away from Bethesda. As you can tell, I don't particularly like those people. They weren't nice to me in high school and I really doubt that they'll be nice to me now. The sad part is that I give every single one of them the benefit of doubt because I can't help it. I always look for the good in people because I'm a nice person...sometimes, but not really though. Damn high school reunion, I hate you. People are already going crazy over it. The girls are going to bring out their best outfits and all that good shit. I will not be apart of the shit show. I'm going to sit at home and get my nerd on while reading the rest of the Twilight series.
I started singing this on my way to work this morning. I don't know why my brain likes to play tricks on me like that. I've been singing this damn song all day.
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