Womp

That's the best title I could come up with and I'm sticking to it. It's 645 on a Friday night and I'm still in the office but this is honestly the quietest place where I can get stuff done. My blogging skills have been non-existent lately, I've been so busy with work and life that I legit barely have enough energy to make it past my living room and into my bedroom sometimes. I'd just like to point out that it's only the second week in February and I've already had enough drama to last me the next six months. You guys probably don't know this but Bethesda is a very small place. Everyone knows someone is some way, shape or form. People are usually known by first and last name because everyone's friends on Facebook. It's such a small town that it's "affectionately" known as Bethesda High School; you do something on a Friday night, you wake up Saturday morning and whatever you did the night before is being whispered in everyone's ears. It was only a matter of time before word got back me. Let's just clear this up, I'm not sleeping with Ali Baba. I dated his best friend, the Corporal. I'm not down with pulling an LRog move and sleeping with an entire group of friends. I am 24 years old, I'm quite capable of having a friendship with a guy and not sleep with him. And the rumors of me doing blow in the parking garage behind Relic? Totally not original. LRog, you're so silly to think that I don't remember that night from many years ago when I caught you doing the very thing you are accusing me of doing.  If you're going to lie about me, at least be creative because your boring lies really don't do my personality any justice.

Ladies, thank you very much for continuing to spread rumors about me. I especially love when stupid people question me about whether or not the stories are true, as if I was urban legend. The mere fact that you're talking about me, whether good or bad, has put a little extra pep in my step. I would sincerely like to thank you for huddling in the corners of bars and talking about me, you are unknowingly giving me the run of the bar. If you're going to talk about me and spread lies about me, at least be creative and use your imagination. Your boring and recycled lies really don't do my personality any justice. Last but not least, thank you for letting me know that I'm still on your mind. That makes me smile. Just remember that sometimes, karma saves the best for last. 

Anyway, I no longer work at The Box Bar & Grill, where the girls are sexy and the wings are sexier. That's their slogan, what does that even mean?! I don't want sexy wings, I want delicious wings. I'm not going to lie, I had so much fun working there but fun doesn't pay my bills. And I kinda like wearing clothes when I work. It's funny how now, I kinda miss wearing the Under Armor shorts. At least I kept mine. In other news, I work at a sushi restaurant now. I'm a server AND a bartender (cue the Jeffersons's theme song now). I'm doing big things now! As much as I hate working in the service industry, I've always wanted to be a bartender. I have amazing friends that didn't like me working at the Box so they took it upon themselves to find me another job. My boss, Mo, is actually someone I've known for a couple of years just from going to a certain hole in the wall bar. He would always go there with the bartender from Tommy Joe's, who coincidentally enough used to date LRog (that's how I met her). Anyway, Mo told me that he was going to start me off serving and then transition me to bar training as soon as he could. He was good on his word and I've been training with him for the past couple of shifts. It's literally been wearing me out because I've been working my day job and then some nights I've been going in for training after. By the time I get home, it's well passed last call and I'm exhausted. I have my first official bar shift next Saturday night. I think Mo is crazy for throwing me to the wolves  like that, I don't think I'm ready but I'm going to do it and I'm going to run train on it. 

I'm tempted to go out tonight but I didn't get home until 430 this morning (that's a story for another night). I have big girl things to do tomorrow like get my taxes done and go to the gym. Womp. 

A recap of my life

As promised, I have an update about everything that's been going on in my life lately. In all honesty, I don't even know where to begin.

A couple of weeks ago, I was with LRog because we both had the day off so we made it a point of having all day shenanigans together. We went to Arlington to pick up her pay check from the gym and we had lunch; it was a nice, big kid, leisurely affair. We eventually came back to this side of the pond and went to Target. It's official: no matter who I go in there with, I always walk out with shit that I do not need. LRog and I were walking around the men's department because the clothes are so much comfier. I ended up buying a hoodie, a flannel button-down (I totally needed it) and some other useless shit. We left there and went to the bar, I don't even think that it was 5 o'clock yet. Nothing ever stops our party. Her friend, the Corporal, came to hang out with us. I knew who he was when she mentioned his name because I facebook stalk/investigate. Technically, I had done no wrong because he came up as one of the friends that Facebook suggested for me. Anyway, he shows up at the bar and he is hot as shit in person. He smells delicious (always a plus), he's funny, he's all around kind of amazing. He's only kind of amazing because I'm more amazing, duh. We get along really well and we agree on the same things but we always disagree reasonably (meaning that I don't want to punch him in the face for expressing a different opinion). We've been hanging out a lot lately. He was semi-dating this girl when I met him and everything that he told me about her were red flags that she was crazy. I finally got to meet her at his birthday party. Bitch was crazy as fuck, legitimately. He was already pretty much over the situation but a small part of him was hoping that it would work out. Then I showed up, wearing heels and a dress (that only happens on rare occasions) and he forgot all about that crazy bitch. Oops.

The Corporal and I hang out so much that when his boys invite him out, they assume that I'm going to come too. That's not the case; I want him to continue spending time with his boys, I'm not one of those girls that will take over his life because I want to spend all my time with him. I need my space. Can we just talk about how he took me to dinner at his parents house?! He took me to meet his parents on the same day that we slept together (oops on my part). Seriously though, he asked me and the way he said it, I really didn't have a choice in saying no. I was mildly freaking out in the car (silently of course) because I was thinking about the significance of what was about to happen. I was totally overreacting. I take people guys or girls to meet my mom all the time just because it's not unheard of for her to stop by my place randomly. I checked with LRog to make sure that I wasn't going crazy/looking too much into the situation...I was. He takes people to his parents house all the time, she's been there plenty of times. I was totally relieved when she told me that. Whatever. I'm having fun with him and that's all that matters right now.


I'm a girl and at times, I like bedazzlement. I happened to be at the mall one day and something sparkly caught my eye out of my peripheral. My legs started moving before I could even register what it was. I walked into Victoria's Secret and stood there in front of the most amazing sight ever: an entire wall of PINK football themed attire. I couldn't care less about the Redskins shit because they're not my team but there was a shit ton of of Ravens stuff. LRog and I were actually speechless at how beautiful everything was. I wanted to buy everything because it was all black and purple, sequined and amazing. I'm not made of money so I settled for half of the shit...not even kidding.

I honestly don't know of anything else that has happened in my life recently. I've been so busy with work lately that my brain is fried.

While most people are out and about on a Saturday night, I will be at home cleaning my room...finally.

Tomfoolery at its finest

I would have written a post earlier but I literally did not have time. I had Friday off and because LRog had the day off as well, we decided that it was a good idea to spend the day together. We went to Arlington to pick up her paycheck from the gym and we had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. That's when the drinking started. I was really hungry (per the usual) so I ordered pasta. If you've ever been to that restaurant, you know how big the portions are...I basically ordered enough food for 2 people. Fattie.
We decided that more drinks were in order so we came back to the area and went to Target. Shenanigans! We walked around the clothing section, trying on shit that we didn't need and we both walked out $50 poorer. That's not bad considering the damage that I normally do at Target. After we left there, we decided that it was time that we indulged in some happy hour action at 4 in the afternoon. We're cool like that, no big deal.
We went to our favorite neighborhood dive bar (also because we're cool like that) and it was so weird because we've never been there that early before. There were a bunch a old guys and their creepy "girlfriends". LRog and I sat at the bar and decided that we needed to call in some people to drink with us. She made some calls and the boys showed up. She knew that she needed to be up at 630 the next morning but at that point, she knew that we weren't going to make it home until morning.
We all left the bar and went to Bethesda to get food/more alcohol. We must have hit 3 or 4 bars, I wasn't really drinking because I knew that I had to drive home. We go to Tommy Joe's and I ran into Mr. One Testicle (there's a post about him from a few months ago). He put his arms around me from behind and gave me a kiss on the cheek. That caused some issues because the guys that we were with are all friends with his ex. They haven't been together in over a year AND she has a new boyfriend. What's the freaking problem?! He kinda got the message so he walked away. I was on my way to the bathroom and I saw him again. We made eye contact, it was so intense that it actually gave me tingles in my girlie parts! I went up to him and absolutely no words were exchanged before he kissed me; next thing I know we were making out in the middle of the bar. Oops. He kept trying to get me to go home with him but I refused because I had to take LRog home, I couldn't just leave her stranded at the bar.
We ended up leaving and going to another bar. There was a lot of drama because the guys that we were with wanted to know what my deal was with Mr. One Testicle blah blah blah. It's none of their business. LRog and I ended up calling it a night because it was 3AM. I like the guys that we were with, they were sweet and all that but I'm not down with them all up in my shit.
Why is it that there always has to be so much drama?! I think that's one of the reasons that I'm so iffy about dating or any of that. It might also have something to do with the fact that I'm picky. Sorry that I don't want to date a douchcanoe.
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Shit my dad says

When my dad starts drinking, he starts saying some of the funniest, most random, awkward and inappropriate shit. Most of these things were said during a 48 hours period. When he drinks, he reminds me a lot of Ice Cube's dad in all the Friday movies.

People don't learn swag. Either they're born with it or they aren't. I was nice enough to pass it on to you when you were born. You can thank me later.

Daddy: Kiddo, do you love me?
Me: confused Of course I do, you're the best dad a girl could ask for.
Daddy: Then why is my wine glass still empty?!

Between your mother and my current wife, I think I like you the best. Sometimes, I'm still not sure.

Daddy: Mackenzie, I love you.
Me: What do you want?
Daddy: Nothing, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I loved you.
Me: I know Dad, but you tend to only say it that way when you want something.
Daddy: Well now that we're on the subject, go make me a sandwich.
Me: Seriously?
Daddy: Yes seriously. Why are you still sitting here? Go to the store and buy shit so that you can make me a sandwich.

Me: Dude, the waitress wants to know if you want another drink.
Daddy: Shh, they're about to score.
Me: I know, I see that but she's standing here and she wants to know about five minutes ago.
Daddy: blatantly checking the waitress out Honey, you can bring me whatever you want.
Waitress: trying not to laugh in his face Sure thing sir, I'll be right back with another round.
Me: Seriously dad, can you at least wait until she's not looking at you to check her out?
Daddy: Why? She should take it as a compliment. I mean shit, I'm good-looking for an old guy.
Me: That's only because you got your looks and your cool factor from me.
Daddy: laughing I don't think so. I was there when you were born. You were wrinkly and you were funny looking. You grew out of it a little bit but you've still got a ways to go.

One of the players for the 49ers intercepted the ball from the opposing team and ran it back for a touchdown. It was legit because he ran across half the field and nobody could touch him. When my dad saw it, he started shouting at the TV...
Daddy: Go boy, go! Run like the cops are chasing you!
It got real quiet in the bar because everyone turned to look at him. I was laughing so hard that beer shot out of my nose.
Me: Dad, what the hell is wrong with you?
Daddy: What? Why is everyone looking at me like that? The boy is black, it's not like he's never run from the cops before.

Daddy: Mackenzie, you see that ugly girl over there? She's got a big old phattie and she is working that dress.
Me: She's really not attractive at all.
Daddy: That ain't nothing that a bag won't fix.
Me: You are not alright.


To be continued...

Weekend Recap

This post would have come sooner but I legitimately didn't have time for it, actually doing shit wears me out! Thursday was my mom's birthday, she swears that it was her 45th. Lies. Add about ten years and you'll have her correct age but to humor her, I keep wishing her a happy 50th every year. Anyway, being the nice daughter that I am, I bought her tickets to tour Fallingwater. If you don't know what that is, feel free to educate yourself here. I think that it is, by far, one of my favorite Frank Lloyd Wright homes. It's absolutely stunning. Our tour appointment was at 8:30AM (ungodly hour) and we left my place at 4:30AM (an even ungodlier hour) because we didn't want to get stuck in traffic or get lost. We didn't get stuck in traffic but we did get lost. Mommy blames it on the incredibly dense fog but I blame it on her inability to read a ginormous street sign. Seriously though, the fog was so dense and so low that we couldn't even see the brake lights on the car in front of us. Mapquest decided to play a sick joke on us and take us through the backwoods of PA. Kid you not, we were driving on two lane, rollercoaster like roads; there were cornfields on one side and cows and horse on the other. I was totally okay with that because I like to get down with nature. But then, I happen to notice lovely Confederate flags everywhere. My mom instinctively locks the car doors and we both check our phones...of course, we had no service. The dramatic person that I am, I immediately start ranting about how the car is going to die and backwoods, inbred rednecks are going to sniff us out. They're going to come find us and then they're going do horrible things to us AND make us squeal like pigs. I've seen Deliverance and everything that happened in that movie happens in real life, duh!

Anyway, we make it out of the Confederacy alive and we get to Ohiopyle, PA. Cutest little place I have ever seen. I really need to go back there for a weekend with a friend (preferably a boy) and shack up in a cabin and do nothing, or something depending on how you look out it. Anyway, we finally make it to Fallingwater unharmed. Smart girl that I am, I had forgotten to charge my camera the night before so it died halfway through the tour. Idiot. I did take some sweet pictures with my phone though. I really took the most random pictures ever.

We got back from PA a lot earlier than we thought that we would so I decided that we were going to the gun range because I wanted to learn about the classes that they offered. I'm really glad that Mommy went with me because it was really intimidating and had I been alone, I probably would have just walked out. She was not happy to be there at all because she thinks that I have anger issues and that as soon as I learn how to shoot a gun, I'm going to go out and buy one and start shooting everyone that pissed me off. We actually had a serious conversation about it that resulted in me getting really pissed off. She actually thinks that I would physically harm someone. REALLY?!? If that's the case mother dear, then you should reevaluate your parenting skills. I would never, in my life, actually physically harm someone. I don't have the time nor do I have the patience for it and oh by the way, I was taught that hurting others is wrong. That whole conversation with her thoroughly annoyed me.

Moving on. On Sunday, I spent some much needed girl time with my friend Chelsea. We had sushi and we went to see Our Idiot Brother. It was pretty good. I'm so glad that we had girl time because we really needed to vent and get things off our chest. She's so cute, I love her.

Today, I was supposed to go to the beach with my friend Bruno and his friend Philippe. That didn't quite work out because the weather wasn't looking so hot. Instead we decided that crabs were a better idea. Since Philippe had never been to Annapolis, we decided to go there to stuff our faces. I'm from Maryland so I'll crush the shit out of some crabs but today I wasn't quite feeling all the work . We settled for a dozen crabs, shrimp and a shit ton of fried because we're cool like that. After we stuffed our faces, we decided that  going to Ikea was a good idea. Seriously, best idea ever. I love that store but I hate it when I go in there and don't have the money to buy everything that I need. I saw that couch and all the furniture that I want for my apartment. I needed to go and see that shit, now I'm totally motivated to get back on that track. After we left Ikea, we went to Coldstone because we're fatties like that. I pay no attention to college sports so I had no idea why the traffic was so bad in College Park. Turns out that University of Miami was playing UMD and that's why traffic was so bad on Route 1. Damn football.

By the time I got home and sat down on the couch, my exhaustion finally settled in. Tomorrow, I promise a picture post with all the good shit I took at Fallingwater. Until then, I'm going to catch up on my sleep.

Later bitches!!

Things on my mind today

Blogger, I love you and I love your brilliant idea to give us a more streamlined layout. I nearly creamed myself when I saw it/played with it. I heart you.

Today's such a random day and my brain is pretty much fried but I just wanted to take the time to share with you some things that have been on my mind.

That is the saddest picture that I have ever seen in my fucking life. This family lived in on Albermarle Sound in Nags Head, NC. Those steps and pillars are all that's left of their house. Fucking Hurricane Irene, stupid fucking bitch.

Downtown New Brunswick NJ

This looks like a scene from some crazy movie. There are entire towns that have been turned into islands within VT because bridges have collapsed or been washed away. Pittsfiled, VT is now one of those in state islands. The people in the town weren't really worried, they had a freaking BBQ. How awesome is that shit?!? The town has a population of 427 people. I read the article on CNN this morning. They're driving around on ATVs because the roads are so bad. I love the fact that in a seriously shitty time, they're staying positive. They probably won't see this but people of Pittsfield VT, I think you're fucking amazing!

In other news, some stupid fuck threw his son off of a moving boat. When I read the article on my crackberry this morning, I was half asleep. Naturally, it didn't click until I woke up. This man actually threw his child off of a moving tour boat, in a goddamn busy harbor. The guy was on the boat with his two sons and his girlfriend. He said that he was just horsing around. How stupid are you, mister? There were 85 people on that boat that could vouch for your horrible parenting skills. Do you honestly think that the mother of your children is going to allow you anymore visitation rights?! If she has any brain cells, she won't. His mug shot has been released and posted on CNN.com. I hope karma gets him back for jeopardizing his child's llife. 

That brings me to my next issue. This man is also a horrible father. He apparently organized a fight for his son and some other kid. The other kid showed up at the house and I guess he started mouthing off ; the dad didn't like it so HE decides to beat the shit out of the kid himself. I will warn you that the video is shocking and appalling. There are clearly other people in that background and someone is taping the fight but no one cares to stop the adult from beating up the child?!? What the fuck is wrong with these people?! These two stupid fucks are going on the shitty parent list but Casey Anthony will still be number one. She's a stupid bitch. 

I cannot singing this song, soon you'll be singing it too. It's okay, you can thank me later...

Here's what really happened

**This is an addendum to the previous post

I was angry when I said those things to you but more importantly, my feelings were hurt. I knew that I cared about you way more than you cared about me. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that so I denied it for the longest time. At times, I even felt like I wasn't good enough for you. When I talked to you on Thursday, I said everything out of spite and mildly lashed out because you were on my shit list and I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stay friends with you at all. When I got off work and went to the restaurant last night, I saw you sitting at the bar. My heart sank because I knew that I had hurt you and made you angry. That was never my intention; I was just trying to make you understand that I wasn't pleased with you. As usual, I fucked shit up and spoke with anger. Some of what I said was true. When I make plans that I try to include you in, I half expect them to not go as planned because something always comes up in your life. Not once have you ever actually come out and said that you didn't want to do anything that I had planned. For me, you not being able to follow thru at the last minute was equivalent to you saying "fuck off". My only intention was for us to do something fun, together. Maybe that was "our" downfall. When you left the restaurant after our conversation the other day, I vowed that I would not be the first person to make contact with the other.

I needed a favor last night and you were the only one that I trusted enough to help me. I was trying to swallow my pride and mentally prepare myself to grovel at your feet, all while asking for help. I turned around and started walking towards you a good three times, people must have thought that I was crazy because I kept turning around and going in the opposite direction. When I finally decided to let my sac drop, I turned around to go inside and talk to you but you were already walking towards me. It was so awkward that we might as well have been 6th graders with crushes on each other. I asked you to help me and said that I would totally understand if you said no, given the way I acted towards you. To my surprise, you agreed to help me. I was shocked. That just further reinforces how much of a bitch I am. I was mean to you and you were still willing to help me out. On the ride up to the tow lot, there was an awkward silence that I really wanted to fill with conversation but you knew that I would be forcing it so I just left it alone. I was on the verge of tears because I knew that I had driven a wedge in our friendship.

 I eventually came to terms with the fact that we'll never actually be "together" but it kills me to think that I fucked up our entire friendship because I was being a moody bitch. Every time I see you, I can't help but smile because you just have that effect. For what it's worth, I like having you in my life...in whatever form that may be. 

I should have known better

This is another letter to someone that will never read it, that's his loss.

We met a little less than a year ago. You came into the restaurant with some of my boys and sat in my section. I had seen you working at the dealership so I was immediately a lot nicer to you than I would be to a "random" table. I kept telling the guys that you were cute and that I wanted them to bring you in, they finally came thru for me. You were so cute when you asked me for a beer, I served it to you knowing full well that you weren't quite 21. Our first conversation was about belly button fucking. By the end of that, I was laughing so hard that I was crying. You were funny, you carried yourself well and I was smitten at first glance. I should have known that it was too good to be true.

You came back a few days later to sit in my section and I didn't have any other tables so I sat down with you. We talked about random shit and you kept me laughing. My cheeks had started hurting from laughing and smiling; it was just so easy with you. You asked me for my number while I was in the process of giving it to you. You smiled at me and brushed the hair out of my eyes. We had made plans to hang out that Friday night when I got off work. We stayed at the restaurant and drank because it was the only place that would serve you. Neither of us wanted the night to end so we went to the Diner and got grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon. We stayed there for hours just bullshitting and laughing. I finally took you back to your car and we sat, parked in the driveway, for another two hours. There was so much sexual tension, we could both feel it. We hadn't even done anything but the windows were already fogging up. I told you that I had to leave because I had to be back at the restaurant in 4 hours to help prepare for the street festival that we were participating in. You came around to my side of the car and you brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and asked if you could kiss me. My heart legitimately skipped a beat. You kissed me and it took my breath away, literally. I wasn't expecting such a seriously intense kiss from a guy your age.

You came to the festival and hung out. You met my dad because he just so happened to come by, you had an actual responsible adult conversation. He liked you. We made plans to hang out later that night after I went home and took a nap. I got to your place and we watched movies and cuddled. It was weird but I liked it. I liked hanging out with you, we always had a good time. You took me to your mom's birthday party and I met your family. I fell in love with them. To all the guys at the dealership, we were a pair. We acted like we were together, we didn't make plans without consulting the other person first.

And then things changed. I think that we got too close, too fast and it freaked you out. I was the only one that didn't have a problem with it. I was smitten and I did things for you that I never do for guys. I knew how much you wanted to go see Mac Miller in December but you had waited too late and the tickets were sold out. I found you $200 tickets (before they sold out, the tickets were $15) to a concert that I didn't even want to go to. I gave you the tickets as a Christmas present and told you to go with one of your boys. What did I get in return? An orgasm. I shouldn't have gotten you the tickets. I shouldn't have cleared my entire schedule for you on the day before Thanksgiving. You wanted a fucking philly cheesesteak from Geno's. You bitched and moaned about it the entire day before that I decided that I would drive you to Philly in a fuck ton of holiday traffic so that you could get your damn cheesesteak and then pass out in the car on the way back. I would have gone through with it had you not started bleeding from your vag like a little bitch.

I changed my plans for you and I got nothing in return. All my friends knew who you were but in the entire time that we were doing whatever it was that we were doing, I only met one of your friends. I brought you Starbucks when you didn't have time to go get it  before school. I had the flu and asked you if you could drop off some Nyquil on your way home from work. I knew that it was out of your way but you just couldn't be bothered. You had a New Year's Eve party at your place and didn't bother to say anything to me until the day of. You said that I should have known that I was already invited. Silly me! In January, I spent weeks preparing for this huge event at work, an event that I was running on my own. Every time I worked late and couldn't hang out, all you did was bitch and moan about how I never spent enough time with you. When I would come over after work and I was dead tired, I would lay down in your bed and I could barely keep my eyes open. You got mad because you didn't invite me over to sleep. The day of the event came and went. I had stayed up for days stressing out about it and the day of, we had breakfast and you asked me nothing about it. When my current boss offered me the job back in September, I was so fucking excited about it. You were the first person I told, you were excited for me.

At the time, all the effort that I was putting into our "relationship" seemed normal. Hindsight is 20/20. I was putting in 85% and you were putting in the rest. It frustrated me up until yesterday. I would always make plans for us to do stuff, per your request, and then you would bail at the last minute; that was your MO. I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes, I would sit by the phone and wait for you to call like you said you would. I was stupid  and I knew it but for some reason, I just couldn't let go. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out and stop wasting my time. It could have been the fact that you were the first guy, in a long time, that I actually liked and that I could actually see myself. You did nothing but take advantage on me and the way I treated you; I never realized it at the time.

I had two tickets to the Skins Ravens game, they were 3rd row fucking seats. You and I had always talked about going to a game last season but never made it. When I got the tickets, I immediately thought of you. I only wanted to go with you because I knew that we would have an amazing time. I asked you to go with me at the beginning of the week and you were so excited, we immediately started talking shit because we both root for different teams (you're stupid enough to be a Skins fan). In the back of my mind, I knew that you were going to bail at the last minute. Instead of waiting around for it to happen, I made plans for someone else to come with me. As predicted, you bailed on me the day before the game. I thanked you for being predictable. You actually had the never to get mad at me. You stupid fool. For once, I planned ahead so that I wouldn't be left high and dry for something that I really wanted to do. Seriously, they're third row seats!! If you can't get your shit together enough to be able to come to a damn football game with me for third row seats, I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. You came in to order lunch from me and you asked me why I was mad at you. I explained that I wasn't the slightest bit mad at you, I was mad at myself for still holding out hope for you...hope that maybe one day, you would come keep your word. After that conversation, I stopped hoping.

A little less than a year after I met you, thanks for finally putting things into perspective for me...better late than never.

I knew I wasn't going crazy!

**I have no idea what's going on with the formatting, I can't seem to fix it. I blame Blogger for this. 

So there was an earthquake yesterday and I kinda thought I was losing my mind. I was in the middle of brushing my teeth and my shower door started shaking a little bit. I just chalked it up to my neighbors' rowdy ankle biters. Then I realized that I don't share a wall with them so it couldn't possibly be his kids causing such a commotion. I stared at myself in the mirror, toothbrush still in my mouth, and my eyes got real big. The bathroom light started flickering, sort of like the light fixtures in dingy motels with vibrating beds. I poked my head out of the bathroom and saw my bookcase violently shaking. I have a little mirror and some lucky bamboo sitting on top of it. I went to grab those because the bookcase was moving so much that I they were going to fall over and break. I'm very attached to my bamboo, I named it Lucky (obvi!) and I talk to him every morning and every night...he knows a lot of my secrets. 

I was honestly so confused as to what was going on. I was standing in my living room, toothbrush still in my mouth, toothpaste dripping down my chin and shirt, holding lucky and the mirror. It took me a few seconds to realize that it was earthquake. I stood there because I honestly didn't know what to do. Mommy and I never had an earthquake emergency plan when I was little. We live on the East Coast for crying out loud! We had   fire plans and other such emergency plans if anything were to happen and we were at home. I did the only thing that was plausible at that point, I sat down in the middle of my living room floor and vowed that if I made it   out alive, I would be nicer to Mommy and start on my 52 things list as soon as possible.

As soon as the world stopped shaking under me, I got up and smiled. I was damn sure glad that Mother      Nature/Earth stopped her PMS and realized that Mackenzie had shit to do. Damn women always want to  go around causing a stir! I heard my neighbor's kids screaming bloody murder so I knew that they were      standing in the hallway. (please keep in mind that I'm still only wearing a t-shirt) I go into the building hallway  to make sure that the kids were okay. I still had my toothbrush in my mouth, toothpaste on my face and I was still holding Lucky and my mirror. My neighbor looked at me like I was crazy and asked me why I wasn't    wearing pants. Um, helllooo?! There was an earthquake, we could have died and you're concerned    about me not wearing pants. Fuck you!!

My mom works in Tysons Corners so when I found out that the epicenter was in Virginia, all I could see was my mother under a pile of rubble that used to be her office building. I tend to get a little dramatic at times. I did everything short of sending carrier pigeons as a means of getting in touch with her. I couldn't get any calls or texts out because there was so much congestion and the circuits were closed. When my cell pops up a    message like that it would be nice it they could also send an explanation as to what the fuck that shit means    because I don't speak phone. After two hours of freaking out and contemplating driving into VA to find       Mommy, I finally get in touch with her. They had evacuated her office building because of the earthquake so  she went to Harris Teeter with her co-workers and got wine. WTF?! Do you know that I have been            freaking out and worried that you were dead and your ass is out drinking wine as if everything was allhunkey dorey. Have you lost your everloving mind?!?!? I was livid.

I think that I would have much rather had a giant snake-worm-alien thing burst out of the ground instead of     the earthquake. At least then I would have been prepared for it because I saw that scene in Men in Black      (duh!). With the quake here, the one in Colorado, the one in Peru and the hurricane all happening in the same week, I'm convinced that the world is ending.

I just couldn't resist...

Mayonnaise!?

First and foremost, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments and concern for Big Poppa and his health. He got out of the hospital yesterday and it really felt like there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I went to go see him when I got off work last night. He got mad because I was talking during "America's Got Talent". Nice to have you home, Dad! He said the one plus to being in the hospital was that he could watch TV and not have his wife call his name every 5 minutes; I sympathize with that because his wife is the most vile person I have ever met. Words cannot describe my dislike for her and vice versa; that clearly needs to be a post one day. The docs gave him some dietary restrictions and things like that. Keep in mind that they gave him instructions and lifestyle changes because they want him to live longer and be healthy, not to piss him off. They told him that he wasn't allowed to have mayonnaise anymore. You should have seen his face when he told me that, it was equivalent to one he would make if the world were to end tomorrow. This is how the no mayo conversation went...

Dad: So they told me I probably shouldn't eat mayo anymore.
Me: I don't think that's how they phrased it, dude. I'm pretty sure they told you that you should just cut it out all together.
Dad: (takes a deep breath) So what if they didn't say it that way. I love mayo and I'm proud of it. It's been with me for a long time and it has never done me wrong.
Me: (laughing) You're talking about a condiment as if it were a person. It's mayonnaise, it's super gross and you're better off without it. Your arteries will thank you later.
Dad: But you see, the immediate problem is that my taste buds are going to be unhappy now. So will my stomach. I'm not a happy person when I don't eat mayo.
Me: Seriously, what is wrong with you? Did they run head tests will you were at the hospital? I'm confused as to why you're making a huge fuss about mayo.
Dad: Well confusion seems to run in the family because I'm confused as to why you now hate it. You loved it when you were little.
Me: You must be confusing me with your other child. (mind you, I'm an only child) I don't ever remember liking mayo or eating it willingly for that matter. I remember the time Mommy made me a tuna salad sandwich and I ate it, not knowing what was in it. It was good so I asked her what was in it. When she told me what it is, I threw up on her.
Dad: You purposefully threw up on your mother? Why would you do that?!
Me: I didn't meant to, the mayo made me sick. I was probably 5 or 6 years old; I didn't know any better.
Dad: (rolling his eyes) Mayonnaise does not make you sick, Mackenzie. I used to give it to you all the time when you were little. I would sit you on the kitchen counter while I made us bologna sandwiches and I put mayo on them. You were so cute, you would stick your tiny hand in the jar and then lick it. Then we would walk from the kitchen to the living room, sit on the couch and watch TV. I had to bribe you with candy so you wouldn't tell mommy that I let you sit on the kitchen counter naked, we didn't use plates or napkins and probably tracked crumbs everywhere. You know how she is about crumbs. Anyway, when she would leave you with me some days because she had a lot of errands to run, we always had a good time. I never made you put on clothes around the house because you would always end up taking them off, you didn't like getting dressed when you were a toddler. You always wanted to eat hot dogs with me because mommy never used to let you have them. I'd give you the hot dog, no bun because you didn't like it. You'd stick it in the jar of mayonnaise just like I taught you and you would sit there munching away with a big old smile on your face.

He looked at me fondly, as if he missed the good old days. I was horrified. Clearly, there were a lot of things wrong with my childhood and just seem to have repressed those memories. He seems to think that there was nothing wrong with anything that he had just told me. Really, Dad?! You let me stick my grimy hands in the jar of mayonnaise? That's disgusting; knowing a toddler version of me, my hands were probably dirty as shit. You sat me on the kitchen counter ass naked. Mommy's gonna be real mad at you when she finds out about that! And then, you let me walk around with food in my hands without using a plate or a napkin. You're lucky that you just got out of the hospital because had you not, Mommy would kill you for that. Her biggest pet peeve is stepping on crumbs while she's barefoot. Thanks for letting me run around naked when I was younger; you nipped my "girls gone wild phase" in the bud at an early age. Knowing you, Father Dear, you didn't even cook the hot dogs. I just want to reiterate that mayonnaise is disgusting. If you fed it to me as much as you say you did, I probably developed an aversion to it that lasted well over 20 years. I'm totally okay with that.

This is my reaction to eating mayo as a child

In other news, I got an invite to my 5 year high school reunion the other day. I promptly started hyper ventilating; it has nothing to do with the fact that I've been out of high school for 5 years. I'm totally okay with that fact because time passes. What I'm not okay with is the fact that a shit ton of people I went to high school with are going to be converging on my local hang out spot in Bethesda. I went to Gaithersburg High School, 20 minutes away from Bethesda. As you can tell, I don't particularly like those people. They weren't nice to me in high school and I really doubt that they'll be nice to me now. The sad part is that I give every single one of them the benefit of doubt because I can't help it. I always look for the good in people because I'm a nice person...sometimes, but not really though. Damn high school reunion, I hate you. People are already going crazy over it. The girls are going to bring out their best outfits and all that good shit. I will not be apart of the shit show. I'm going to sit at home and get my nerd on while reading the rest of the Twilight series.

I started singing this on my way to work this morning. I don't know why my brain likes to play tricks on me like that. I've been singing this damn song all day.

52 things

I was reading my birthday horoscope in Cosmo and it told me to make a list of sexy challenges that I need to accomplish between now and my next birthday. Fuck sexy challenges, I prefer badass ones instead. Today's my 24th birthday. It seems like just yesterday that I was turning 14, where the fuck have the past 10 years gone?!? I turn 25 next year, I'm actually pretty excited about that. I went out with friends last night and it was pretty fucking epic. We had crazy photoshoots at my best friend's and then at the bar. I need to take a better look at those pictures now that I'm sober. They might not be allowed on Facebook if I don't approve. With that being said, here's the beginning of my list...

1. Quit smoking I've been smoking since I was 16, it's about damn time that I quit. 
2. Go bungee jumping
3. Go skydiving
4. Learn how to play golf  I want to be a baller like my dad when I grow up so I really need to make this golf game my bitch because it's a really important business skill
5. Donate blood I don't like needles
6. Donate bone marrow I'm not sure what the process is for this but I want to help the little girl on the website
7. Learn how to shoot a gun I'm still on probation so I don't know if I'll actually be able to do this one. Will they let me do it if I have a misdemeanor charge on my record?
8. Go zip-lining Daddy did it. Anything he can do, I can do better. 
9. Learn another language Is it impossible for me to master another language in one year? I want to learn Farsi but I already speak French and a little Spanish...maybe I should just master that first. Baby steps
10. Be able to run a 10k I actually laughed as I was typing this one because I am the most unathletic person ever! I like the idea of working out a lot more than I like the act of working out so I'm going to have to work hard for this one. And to make matters worst, I actually had to look up the distance
11. Learn how to drive a stick
12. Learn how to fly a plane Seriously though, how awesome would it be if I learned the basics of aviation in a year?!
13. Finish getting my tattoos That includes both of my rib tattoos One down 07/05/11
14. Ride a motorcycle I clearly said ride and not drive because I don't know how to ride a bike, don't laugh
15. Volunteer for a cause that actually means something to me I signed up to volunteer for the Polaris Project. If you don't know what that is, check it out here
16. Try Crossfit Training I walked by a Crossfit gym the other day and saw people working out and that shit's intense, that makes me want to do it. 
17. Learn how to box Laila Ali-style I'm going to be the fittest bitch ever!
18. Learn how to drive a race car Danicka Patrick's hot and I want to be like her
19. Learn how to play paintball Read: make bitches submit to me in paintball
20. Go rock climbing I'm not talking about bullshit climbing either, I'm talking about actually being anchored into a rock. For safety reasons, I'll have to start off small with an indoor rock wall like this. I'm not trying to die any time soon. 
21. Refurnish my apartment without any help from my parents

Updated 07.01.2011

List to be continued...

Song of the day, this one makes me want to dance. Enjoy...

Everyday, I'm shuffling.

 I went to the beach for Memorial Day weekend, best decision ever. We had such a good time, it was one big shitshow. I don't usually go out and get crazy but this time, I really didn't give a shit. All we did was drink copious amounts of alcohol, lay on the beach and party like it was our job. You only live once so you might as well make that shit as fun as possible. If any of you have ever been to Seacrets in OC, you know how big that place is. Somehow, I lost my friends for an hour but it was fine because I made more friends and we drank. I pissed in the men's bathroom way too many times...the line for the women's bathroom is always long as shit and I had to pee real bad! I got crucially sunburnt because I fell asleep in the sun and nobody wanted to wake me up because I hate being awakened when I'm not ready to wake up. Thanks fuckers! Now which one of you bitches is going to rub aloe all over my body?!?!

I'm a huge fan of he Baltimore Ravens. I sleep in Willis McGahee jersey every night before game day and I wear a Ray Rice jersey every game day. They are my boys and no matter what happens, I will always love them. I said all that to say that I met Ray Rice on the beach. I was laying there on my towel, minding my own business and he was with his friends not more than 10 feet away. When I first saw him, I immediately creamed myself. Once I recovered, I tried not to cause a scene so that he would see me. I was trying to formulate a plan of action when he started talking to me. Ray Rice started talking to me, I creamed myself again. He asked me what my name was and the usual shit like that and then he asked me if I wanted to play catch. I'm sorry, whaaaaat? That was my first mistake, I should have freaking played catch with him. He legit started flirting with me. I was wearing nothing but a bikini so there wasn't much to be left to the imagination. He saw the tattoo that wraps around my hip and then he touched it, he rubbed my tattoo and said that he liked it. That was his first mistake. I don't care who you are, I do not like being touched. And the fact that I have thought about you bending me over every single piece of furniture in my apartment is completely irrelevant. I don't like being touched and I told him that, he laughed it off. I will not compromise myself or my values just because you made me cream myself in a 30 second span just by being near me! He told me that I was going to be his date to Party Block on 17th Street. They were leaving at 145 and I should meet them in the hotel lobby so that I could ride with them. Again...I'm sorry, whaaaat?! Ray Rice just told me to be his date to a freaking party. I'm in there like motherfucking swimwear. I love it when I man takes control and tells me what I'm going to do, within reason of course. I had an hour before I needed to be in his hotel lobby. At that point I should have gone back to the room and freshened up a little bit; I was hot and sweaty, I reeked of alcohol, I was slightly intoxicated, I was just a hot fucking mess. I decided that taking a power nap in the sun was a much better idea because I didn't want to get there and be tired an hour later. I told my friends to wake me up at 130. Mind you, we're laying on the beach in the middle of the afternoon when it's hot as balls and there isn't a cloud in the sky. I wake up at 3 o'clock because I was parched as shit. I grabbed a gross, hot beer and downed the whole thing. Then I looked at my watch and freaked the fuck out. How could I have fucked this up? The only thing I had to do was be ready at 145 so that I could ride with them to the bar. I was pissed as shit. And on top of it, my "power nap" was the reason I got a crucial sunburn. I met Ray Rice and fucked it up. I'm still bitter about that shit.

Summer, I'm ready for you. You better bring your A game because we will tear your ass up if you don't. 

Song of the day...fast-forward to about 1:25. Turn it up real loud and get ready to rage, I know we did all weekend. Enjoy!

I don't know what's been going on with me lately but I've been struggling to come to work and focus. I love my job and I love the fact that I get paid for it. Lately, I haven't been focused enough to do it or even tolerate it. I come in in the mornings and count the hours until I can go home/anywhere that doesn't involved me sitting at a desk. I just need to recharge and then I know that I'll be okay.

I found this picture online. I don't know who this guy is but I think he's hot as shit. He's even got the bedroom eyes going on, yes. I would totally put him in my pocket and save him for later. He's so my type because...

Song of the day, Mike Posner can definitely get some. Best line in the song: "She drunk texting me 'can I come over your house?' 'ok, but can I come over your mouth?'" You know you love that line. Enjoy...

Places I would rather be right now...

Things I would rather be doing right now...

I'm in desperate need of a vacation. It's a damn good thing that I'm going to the beach for the weekend. Somebody might get hurt otherwise. 

Song of the day, this one reminds me of dancing on the beach in Negril. I need to be there again, like 5 minutes ago. Enjoy...

Blah

Ordinarily I'm so gung-ho about posting but I've really got nothing today. I've been so worn out with work and studying for finals (one more week!) that I really haven't had energy for anything else. Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. I'm going to a concert with my BFF tomorrow night. I get out of class around 1215, she gets off work around 3. The only reason I won't start drinking until after she get off work is that I need to be able to drive to her house safely. On my way, I will be picking up beer/liquor. I promise that tomorrow, I will have an "alcohol-induced" post for you. It might just be a picture post, depending on how thirsty we are.  

Song of the day: This one seriously makes me think of Little Chief Swag, I can see him singing Drake's verse while he drives my car. And this song/video always, without fail, makes me want to bone. I'm pretty sure the first time I heard it, Little Chief Swag and I were doing it...Enjoy!

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight fish on Mars.

Keep Calm and Party On

Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of inappropriate behavior and will even have moments of inappropriateness myself. But sometimes, things just go too far...

At some point Wednesday night, the storm knocked out my power and my alarm didn't go off the next morning. I know that I was exhausted because I slept through the entire thunderstorm/torrential downpour/Mother Nature's PMS and I woke up feeling super rested yesterday morning. I woke up at 10AM, my first class starts at 930. At that point, school was irrelevant because it was still pouring outside and I was in my big, comfy bed. 

I figured that if I was going to miss class for the day, I might as well try and be studious. I got my shit together and went to Starbucks to camp out for the day, literally the entire day. I sat at one of those long tables that's made to fit 6 people. When I sat down, there was a French-speaking African guy sitting down talking web design type stuff to some girl. I went to a French school for a very long time, I can pick out a French accent anywhere. He kept looking at me and it was starting to piss me off. Several cycles of people came and went. I was working on a paper for school so I had my earphones in as a noise buffer but I wasn't listening to anything. 

These two French (French from France, not Canada because there's a difference in their accents) guys sat down and that's when it got interesting. The African guy was excited to have someone to speak to in his native language with  womp womp. At first they were just talking about general things and then they, inevitably, started talking shit about people. I just happened to be sitting at the table and they thought I was reasonably attractive so I was their most serious target. Keep in my that I had my earphones in so they probably thought that I was some dumb American, listening to music. Ignorant fools should learn not to assume things. The fact that they said that I was reasonably attractive didn't bother me because everybody's got their preferences. It was the fact that they said they would cover my head with a paperbag and bend me over the very table at which we were sitting and do it to me. The whole time the African guy is just laughing with them and smiling in my direction, as if nothing were wrong. Really?!?  They talked about how it's nice for them to be in the US and be able to speak French with only a few people understanding. I am one of those people. I sat there the whole time and listened to them say degrading things about me, women in general and Americans. I tried so hard not to freak out at them and I'm really glad I didn't because the end result was so much better than anything else. The French guys got up to leave and I told them to have a nice day, in FRENCH. ONe of them turned beat red. The look on their faces was absolutely priceless!!

After that whole exchange, I was fairly certain that  the African guy wanted to ask me out. Sure enough, when he finally got up to leave, he asked if we could go out some time. Really? Is that a serious question? Fuck no we can't go out. You sat there and laughed while those two pricks talked shit about me and women IN GENERAL. They could see your mom/sister and say the same shit about her, you stupid prick. You know that I speak French and you won't even offer up an apology with regards to your laughter and you expect me to go out with you. And then you have to nerve to get mad when I rip you a new asshole for said behavior. Seriously? Get out of my face, like 5 minutes ago. I really couldn't believe that guy. I swear I have a stamp on my forehead that's only visible to guys. 

Anyway, it's Friday and I have no crazy weekend plans except for getting my nerd on with my textbooks (one of them has not been opened since the semester started, in January). I dislike finals, they really cramp my style. 

The song of the day is one of my personal favorites, it never fails to get me amped up for a night of partying. And my husband, Kid Cudi, is in it. I want to marry him and have his babies, until that happens I will settle for watching him in Youtube videos and drooling. While you party, think of me! Enjoy...

Later you sexy bitches!