See that guy with dreads, I call dibs.

That's how it all started. I met Dreads back in October or November at a bar in Bethesda. I was still dating the Corporal then so I couldn't really do anything about. This guy is super hard to miss, he's about 6'2 with dreadlocks that come down past his waist. He usually wears them up to avoid sitting on them or getting them caught in his fly (not even kidding). He was so cute and he was funny and I wanted him. My best friend knew that but because I couldn't do anything about the situation that I was in, she went after him. I wasn't pleased about it but there was nothing I could do.

A couple of months later, I ran into him Bethesda when I went to meet my BFF. They weren't hooking up anymore but they had stayed friends. He was still adorable so I gave him my number. We started hanging out shortly after that and we were inseparable. I felt bad and I was terrified of telling my best friend that I had been hooking up with him. In the years we've been friends, we've never been interested in the same guy so I was apprehensive to tell her. When I finally grew some balls and fessed up to her, she laughed at me. She had no interest in dating him, she had slept with him and it ended there. I was relieved, Dreads and I went about our business.

Things were great for awhile and then they slowly started to change. I guess the "honeymoon period" had worn off. The little things that he did, like breathing, really pissed me off. He drinks entirely too much and we would get into awful fights that left me in tears every time. He told me that his friends hated me, his parents (whom I've never met because they live in Michigan) hated me, I was a miserable person, I was just plain mean and that I should be so lucky if he decides to date me. I was upset, I was hurt but I was also slightly amused. For someone that doesn't want to date me, he acts entirely too much like a boyfriend. News flash Dreads: you can't have your cake and eat it too. He wanted to be so immersed in my life, be friends with my friends, know all my bartenders. After awhile, I stopped going out to Bethesda with him; I couldn't stand it. When I go out, I bounce around the bar and talk to different people; I have a short attention span and can't stand still for long periods of time. He would follow me around, talk to my friends like he knew them and it drove me crazy. When I date people, I don't let them in all at once. They slowly gain access to different parts of my life. He didn't understand that. That's when I stated pushing him away.

He's 31 years old and has been working at Starbucks since he was 16. He's never worked anywhere else and has no plans of ever working anywhere else. I wish I were kidding. He has no ambition and he acts like a child with no responsibilities. His house is disgusting, absolutely atrocious and pretty sure he's a borderline hoarder. He has two cats that he hasn't taken to the vet in years and they're both long overdue for a visit. He has no concept of privacy. If the bathroom door is shut, that's because I'm pissing. That doesn't mean open the door and stand there while I finish taking a leak and wiping my whooha. I don't think he knows what personal hygiene is; in all the times that I've spent the night at his house, I've never seen him brush his teeth. Every time I left his house, I would have to go home and disinfect my entire body because I felt so gross.

I should be so lucky if you decided to date me? Are you fucking kidding me? You're a disgusting person and the mere thought of you actually makes me recoil. You have no ambition, you're quite content to smoke weed, work at Starbucks and play with your cars for the rest of your life. I'm not sorry that I actually want to go places with mine. But yet, for some reason, I can't seem to grow enough balls to tell you to kick rocks. So really, I have no one to blame but myself for being in this situation.

Here's to hoping my balls drop again.

xoxo,
Me

A recap of my life

As promised, I have an update about everything that's been going on in my life lately. In all honesty, I don't even know where to begin.

A couple of weeks ago, I was with LRog because we both had the day off so we made it a point of having all day shenanigans together. We went to Arlington to pick up her pay check from the gym and we had lunch; it was a nice, big kid, leisurely affair. We eventually came back to this side of the pond and went to Target. It's official: no matter who I go in there with, I always walk out with shit that I do not need. LRog and I were walking around the men's department because the clothes are so much comfier. I ended up buying a hoodie, a flannel button-down (I totally needed it) and some other useless shit. We left there and went to the bar, I don't even think that it was 5 o'clock yet. Nothing ever stops our party. Her friend, the Corporal, came to hang out with us. I knew who he was when she mentioned his name because I facebook stalk/investigate. Technically, I had done no wrong because he came up as one of the friends that Facebook suggested for me. Anyway, he shows up at the bar and he is hot as shit in person. He smells delicious (always a plus), he's funny, he's all around kind of amazing. He's only kind of amazing because I'm more amazing, duh. We get along really well and we agree on the same things but we always disagree reasonably (meaning that I don't want to punch him in the face for expressing a different opinion). We've been hanging out a lot lately. He was semi-dating this girl when I met him and everything that he told me about her were red flags that she was crazy. I finally got to meet her at his birthday party. Bitch was crazy as fuck, legitimately. He was already pretty much over the situation but a small part of him was hoping that it would work out. Then I showed up, wearing heels and a dress (that only happens on rare occasions) and he forgot all about that crazy bitch. Oops.

The Corporal and I hang out so much that when his boys invite him out, they assume that I'm going to come too. That's not the case; I want him to continue spending time with his boys, I'm not one of those girls that will take over his life because I want to spend all my time with him. I need my space. Can we just talk about how he took me to dinner at his parents house?! He took me to meet his parents on the same day that we slept together (oops on my part). Seriously though, he asked me and the way he said it, I really didn't have a choice in saying no. I was mildly freaking out in the car (silently of course) because I was thinking about the significance of what was about to happen. I was totally overreacting. I take people guys or girls to meet my mom all the time just because it's not unheard of for her to stop by my place randomly. I checked with LRog to make sure that I wasn't going crazy/looking too much into the situation...I was. He takes people to his parents house all the time, she's been there plenty of times. I was totally relieved when she told me that. Whatever. I'm having fun with him and that's all that matters right now.


I'm a girl and at times, I like bedazzlement. I happened to be at the mall one day and something sparkly caught my eye out of my peripheral. My legs started moving before I could even register what it was. I walked into Victoria's Secret and stood there in front of the most amazing sight ever: an entire wall of PINK football themed attire. I couldn't care less about the Redskins shit because they're not my team but there was a shit ton of of Ravens stuff. LRog and I were actually speechless at how beautiful everything was. I wanted to buy everything because it was all black and purple, sequined and amazing. I'm not made of money so I settled for half of the shit...not even kidding.

I honestly don't know of anything else that has happened in my life recently. I've been so busy with work lately that my brain is fried.

While most people are out and about on a Saturday night, I will be at home cleaning my room...finally.

Tomfoolery at its finest

I would have written a post earlier but I literally did not have time. I had Friday off and because LRog had the day off as well, we decided that it was a good idea to spend the day together. We went to Arlington to pick up her paycheck from the gym and we had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. That's when the drinking started. I was really hungry (per the usual) so I ordered pasta. If you've ever been to that restaurant, you know how big the portions are...I basically ordered enough food for 2 people. Fattie.
We decided that more drinks were in order so we came back to the area and went to Target. Shenanigans! We walked around the clothing section, trying on shit that we didn't need and we both walked out $50 poorer. That's not bad considering the damage that I normally do at Target. After we left there, we decided that it was time that we indulged in some happy hour action at 4 in the afternoon. We're cool like that, no big deal.
We went to our favorite neighborhood dive bar (also because we're cool like that) and it was so weird because we've never been there that early before. There were a bunch a old guys and their creepy "girlfriends". LRog and I sat at the bar and decided that we needed to call in some people to drink with us. She made some calls and the boys showed up. She knew that she needed to be up at 630 the next morning but at that point, she knew that we weren't going to make it home until morning.
We all left the bar and went to Bethesda to get food/more alcohol. We must have hit 3 or 4 bars, I wasn't really drinking because I knew that I had to drive home. We go to Tommy Joe's and I ran into Mr. One Testicle (there's a post about him from a few months ago). He put his arms around me from behind and gave me a kiss on the cheek. That caused some issues because the guys that we were with are all friends with his ex. They haven't been together in over a year AND she has a new boyfriend. What's the freaking problem?! He kinda got the message so he walked away. I was on my way to the bathroom and I saw him again. We made eye contact, it was so intense that it actually gave me tingles in my girlie parts! I went up to him and absolutely no words were exchanged before he kissed me; next thing I know we were making out in the middle of the bar. Oops. He kept trying to get me to go home with him but I refused because I had to take LRog home, I couldn't just leave her stranded at the bar.
We ended up leaving and going to another bar. There was a lot of drama because the guys that we were with wanted to know what my deal was with Mr. One Testicle blah blah blah. It's none of their business. LRog and I ended up calling it a night because it was 3AM. I like the guys that we were with, they were sweet and all that but I'm not down with them all up in my shit.
Why is it that there always has to be so much drama?! I think that's one of the reasons that I'm so iffy about dating or any of that. It might also have something to do with the fact that I'm picky. Sorry that I don't want to date a douchcanoe.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

How I spent my Friday night

For those of you that don't know, I slept with a guy that had one testicle. If you haven't read that post you can read it here. I know that I'm a horndog and I like talking about sex but let's be serious, I don't often have it. When I do eventually get laid, something weird always happens (snow storm, hurricane, power outage...). That might be a sign that I should stop doing it, literally, but that's not going to happen.

Let me start off by saying this, I'm super anal about taking my birth control and using condoms and all that good stuff because there are so many negative things that could happen when you don't. Anal to the point where if there are no condoms around, I just won't do it. Somehow, I made a mistake with Mr. One Testicle. I had a brief moment of hesitation when we were about to do it but I pushed it aside and got on with it. How could I be so stupid?! I didn't think much about it at the time because he has one nut. I was probably thinking that he couldn't possibly be fertile at all. Erroneous! After I did some snooping and fact checking, I found out that he was in fact capable of impregnating a girl because it happened to his ex. That was the straw that broke the camel's back in their relationship. I digress. I slept with him at the end of May/beginning of June. I thought it was strange that I was still feeling queasy a few days after my birthday. I hadn't had any alcohol since then and I really only felt sick in the morning or around food. Yesterday, I really started to worry, especially after I found out that his swimmers work just fine.

Fast forward to today. Had it been an urgent matter, I would have gone to CVS last night and gotten a pregnancy test. For some reason, I was pretty chill and matter-of-fact about the situation, given what it was. That's so not like me! I don't know what's wrong with me today. Anyway, I stopped by Safeway to pick up a test on my way home. The logical place for said items to be is in the tampon section, right next to the condoms. Am I wrong? According to Safeway's design, I am. I checked the baby aisle to see if they'd put it there as a sick joke/hint at contraception. Wrong again. I went to the pharmacy to ask where they would be. The woman behind the counter, total moron, wasn't sure so she tried to call customer service at the front of the store to ask. She tried to call them. Instead, she used the store intercom and didn't realize it until it was too late. "Hey Mike. There's this girl here looking for pregnancy tests. Do you have them at the front? [pause] Ok, I'll send her right over."

Everyone in the pharmacy line looked at me with pity. The entire store heard her ask for pregnancy tests. Seriously? How dumb do you have to be to not know how to use a phone? And furthermore, how deaf and dumb do you have to be to realize that you just used the store intercom and not the actual phone?! I was actually kind of embarrassed and that says a lot because it usually takes a lot for that to happen. Anyway, I went up to customer service and my lovely pregnancy test was waiting for me. The worst part was that the guy behind the counter was super hot. Of course, he would be. He also looked at me with me pity. Then I asked for a pack of cigarettes as well. He looked at me with with disgust at that point. He told me that if I thought I was pregnant, I really shouldn't be smoking. Excuse me? Mind your freaking business, fuck you very much! I shoved the damn bag in my purse because the plastic was practically transparent. Really Safeway? I know that everyone's trying to cut back on things to save the environment but isn't there any way that you can have small paper bags for purchases like mine?!

Sidenote. Purchases that require small brown bags: tampons, condoms (especially when you buy the ones for less endowed guys. true story, that was embarrassing), feminine itch cream (I've never had any use for it but I'm fairly certain that it would be an awkward situation had I needed to purchase it)

After that series of unfortunate events, I was finally on my way home to take the god-forsaken test. I drove much slower than usual because I was honestly dreading it. It normally takes me 5 minutes to get home from that Safeway. I took the long way and drove through a couple of neighborhoods that weren't mine. I pulled over at one point and hit my head against the steering wheel. I legitimately did, that was my way of sleeping myself. I needed to man the hell up and go home so that I could pee on a stupid little stick. 

I finally made it home and stood in my bathroom for a good 20 minutes, looking at my currently flat stomach. I actually shed a few tears at the potential horrible results. So I read the instructions and all that good shit and tried to get on with the process. Now, I've never been skilled at peeing in public or peeing in a cup at the doctor's office. I should have known that this was not going to go as planned. I tried to piss on the little applicator thing, I succeeded at doing that but I also peed on my hand. Really?!? The situation was getting worse by the minute!! While I was waiting for the recommended amount of time to pass, I did some crunches. I was totally not ready to give up my freedom, my life and my paycheck to a baby. I finally looked at the pee stick and saw the results...they were negative. This is how I danced around my apartment:

I have never, in my 24 years on Earth, been so happy to see a minus sign on a test! I will also, never again take a pregnancy test because I was an idiot and was thinking with my girly parts. I prayed to all that is holy and thanked my freaking lucky stars that there isn't a baby inside of me. I'm so not ready for that to happen. I'm not ready to give up my life as I know it for a child. I still have so much growing to do. I really do love children, I'm just not ready for them yet. I spent the rest of my night doing crunches, dancing around my apartment to 90s music (because we all secretly miss that decade) and reading Twilight. I will use this weekend to celebrate America and the fact that I'm not pregnant. 

Song of the day, iTunes shuffle decided to play a sick joke on me and play this song. Thanks fuckers...

I hooked up with a guy with one testicle

The events of this past weekend prompted me to write my previous post. I have to give you a little back story on this one because it's all relevant. Right before my 21st birthday, I was hooking up with this 

kid, we'll just call him DMD2. He had this crazy group of friends and he warned me that it was hard to get into their circle because they were all so protective of each other. He introduced me to his friends and they liked me, I really liked them too. He was worried about his one friend, HootersGirl, totally disliking me. We actually really liked each other, I thought she was adorable. I don't usually like girls because they have vaginas and that fucks with their ability to think straight. She and I really did hit it off. Anyway, we all made plans to go out one night. HootersGirl brought her bf at the time, GC, and I thought he was hot as shit. Now don't get me wrong, I was totally hooking up with DMD2 but I still couldn't help but notice how hot the other guy was. Dude and I didn't last long as a "couple" but we ended up becoming really good friends. HootersGirl and I would occasionally run into each other in Bethesda or she would just happen to sit in my section for lunch, with said hot bf. He was always so sweet and remembered my name without being reminded. 

Fast forward a few years and multiple coincidental meetings with HootersGirls and GC, and then when they broke up, just GC. When I would run into him after they broke up, he was always very flirtatious and I was totally okay with that because I was the exact same way with him. Saturday night, I ran into him at Tommy Joe's. I almost didn't go out that night because I had taken a power nap at my best friend's and when I woke up, all I wanted to do was go home and pass the fuck out. I'm weired and I totally believe in signs and shit so I'm choosing to think that there was an actual reason that I ended up going out. It had nothing to do with alcohol because I was done drinking for the day. We get to the bar and I order a beer, that's a clear sign that I'm not feeling the night because I hate beer. I was wearing leggings and a t-shirt, both of which I had napped in, so I wasn't feeling very sexy. I have this thing with people touching me, I just don't like it, especially when I'm in a shitty mood. Some guy came up behind me at the bar and wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me back towards him. I was about to turn around and punch him in the face and then I realize who it was...GC, standing there with all 6 foot 2 inches of his sexiness. He gave me one of those hugs that you give people you want to fuck, the hugs that linger a little longer than most and where both of your bodies are pressed together. We briefly caught up, talked about both of our new jobs and the entire time, he kept his hand low on the small of my back. I went to find my friends and he continued talking to his friends womp womp womp. If you've been to Tommy Joe's, you know that it's only so big and there are only so many places that you can go. Since it was nice outside, I knew that my friends would be in the middle bar because it has an open roof. He somehow ended up right behind me again. I did nothing to initiate any of the initial contact with him, he just kept coming up to me and I loved it. We flirted a lot and we were very touchy-feely. When last call came around, he told me that I should come hang out with him and his boys. My best friend didn't want to chill so it was a solo mission. 

When we got back to his place, we sat on the couch for a little and hung out with his boys. They were funny and inappropriate and I liked them. I started falling asleep on the couch because GC was rubbing my back, sure fire way to make me fall asleep. We got up and went to his room. As soon as he shut the door behind us, he pushed me against it and kissed me in such a way that made my toes curl. We literally just started ripping each other's clothes off at that point, we could not keep our hands off each other. He kissed and licked his way down my body and went down on me right there against the door. There is nothing I love more than when  a guy is strong enough and big enough to pick me up. He literally picked me, slid himself inside of me and carried me to his bed all in one movement. I nearly creamed myself right then. I went to switch it up and give him head. While I was giving the dome, my tongue noticed something a little weird. I could have sworn there was one testicle. We were in the heat of passion fucking so I just assumed that I was moving too quickly and missed the other one. How does that happen? They come in pairs and are literally connected. WTF?! I just let it go at that point because there was no way that that conversation was going to go well. We fooled around for hours and by the time we rolled off each other, we were both sweating like whores in church and neither of us wanted to move. He finally got up to go to the bathroom and I got up and got dressed because I had every intention of going home. When he came back to his room and saw me fully dressed, he knew exactly what I was doing and looked really "sad". The face he made actually made me feel bad so I stayed. He slowly undressed me again, layed me down on the bed and rubbed my back until I fell asleep. The whole time he's doing that, all I could think was "what the hell is going on right now?"

We snuggled, we madeout like teenagers in the back of a movie theater, we talked and we laughed. I did everything with thim that I swear I would never do with guys that I wasn't dating. He pulled me in closer at one point and whispered about how I fit perfectly in his big spoon. EXCUSE ME?!? A few hours later, I rolled because I heard GC talking to someone. His roommate came home and assumed that dude was alone so he walked into the room and just started talking. GC introduced me to J, who proceeded to sit down in the desk chair at the end of the bed and hang out. We were both ass naked under the covers and no one seemed to care. The most awkward thing was that we were all laughing and joking with each other. What?! Dude, I fucked your roommate last night and we're still naked and in bed. You're sitting there, just chilling like nothing's going on. In any other situation, I would totally be weirded out by that but I was totally okay. J was funny and I liked him. Then J's girlfriend came over and sat on the edge of the bed and chilled too. Still wasn't weird. It was like a Twilight Zone moment and ordinarily I would have such a huge problem with the whole scenario but I was oddly loving it. That's when I knew I had to get the fuck out of there, like five minutes ago. I got dressed and got ready to leave. GC walked me to the door and gave me another toe-curling kiss then made his way down my neck to my collarbone. I almost melted right then and there. There was no exchange of numbers or promises me see each other again, it was just "thanks, peace out". 

I had some of the most amazing sex I ever had with a guy with one testicle. I asked my friend LRog about him because I knew that she had known him for a long time. I just wanted to make sure that he wasn't actually seeing anyone because I didn't want some crazy bitch coming after me on the mean streets of Bethesda. When I asked her about him, she just started laughing and asked if I had noticed him one testicle. My mouth dropped and then we were both laughing. Her best friend hooked up with him in high school to find out whether or not the one ball rumor was actually true. We laughed for a really long time about. It definitely does not fuck with his ability to lay pipe because he does that like a champ. 

Moral of the story ladies and gentleman: if you hear that someone cute have a "deformity" or irregularity, give them a chance anyway. You might not regret it. 

Song of the day: Here's to warm nights, pool parties and everything that symbolizes summer. Enjoy...

Am I getting soft in my old age?

I've been catching up on my extremely long Netflix queue and was very happy to receive a lovely little red envelope in the mail yesterday. I have to most random movies on there, from Nicholas Sparks-type shit to movies where crap blows up every five minutes. I reorganize the queue frequently, depending on what kind of mood I'm in. Anyway, yesterday I got the movie No Strings Attached; it's the one with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. They're friends with benefits womp womp womp, look it up here. If you've seen the movie, then wonderful; you'll be able to understand the majority of this post. While I was watching the movie, I couldn't help but see the personality resemblance between me and Natalie Portman's character. I don't do relationships because it's just easier not to and dare I say, I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to invest that much effort when that person is just going to turn around and leave or I'm just going to get bored. Me getting bored happens more often than not when it comes to guys. I have very little patience for stupidity and the other person needs to put forth a little bit of effort in order to keep me even remotely entertained. I'm not asking for someone to give me the moon, I'm not crazy. I'd like to do more than drink, watch you do drugs (I don't get down with those activities because I'm on probation) and have sex. Now if the sex were earth-shattering, back-breaking kind of shit then I'd be quite alright with constant drinking and the illegal activities because I'd be getting amazing orgasms in return. Half the time, it's okay and it hits the spot at that very moment. But let's be serious for a minute, after a certain point, that shit gets old. I'm at the point where I'm looking for something more, something that's been missing from the past "flings". If someone can come up with a better word than relationship as a means of defining what I'm looking for, then by all means, please let me know. As of right now, I guess I'm kinda looking for a relationship (I can't believe that I'm actually saying this). As much as I've loved having flings or whatever-you-want-to-call-thems, I'm looking for something more...something that actually means something. My quest for something meaningful with regards to guys has led me to believe that I'm getting soft in my old age.

When I was 21, I paid no attention to anyone but myself. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted and I took pity on anyone that tried to stop me. I strung guys along and played with their feelings on purpose just because I knew that I could. Maybe that's why the guys that I like/want to get to know better now are all douchebags and they get worse every single time. I'm getting the shitty behavior back tenfold, karma's a huge fucking bitch and I totally deserve it. I just feel like it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with (sex or no sex), someone to walk down the street and hold hands with, someone to have pointless conversations with at 4 o'clock in the morning just because you can. I may be a huge bitch and I act like a don't need anyone but I'm not going to lie, that's all an act. I want/need those relationship-type things sometimes. I'm not saying I want to spend all of my waking hours with someone because I have my life and they have theirs but "companionship" would be nice sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I have pretty freaking amazing friends and family but they can't fill that void. I know I've said a million times that I would take time off from guys and blah blah blah, suck a fat one...but there's a tiny minuscule part of me that kinda wants a relationship or at least something more than sex. I know it's summer and being single during the summer is great but sometimes it's nice to not come home alone. 

Now that I've bared my soul and I feel like a gump for having said everything I just said, I'm going to make myself feel better by dancing around my apartment (Cameron Diaz-style) to this song. Don't forget to insert a little fist pumping, enjoy...

I'm done being nice, I don't have the patience nor do I have the tolerance for it. I always look out for other people and tend to put their needs in front of mine because I legitimately am a nice person (regardless of what other people say). I need start being a little more selfish because while taking care of other people's needs, I've been neglecting my own. I'm done with that shit. From now on, I will harness my inner Spartan (if you guys aren't familiar with this blog, you should really check it out because he's funny as shit). I don't have much to say today because I'm fed up with the world. Enjoy a few pictures that make me happy/smile/not want to gauge my eyes out...

I like girls with tattoos

I like super heroes 

One day very soon, my body will look like Anna Kornikova's

I think girls are hot but I think girls having sex is hotter

I love boys, especially ones with tattoos

Song of the day, courtesy of my husband Drake, Lil Wayne, Rick Ross & DJ Khaled. I have a very strong desire to do dirty things to Drake, if only he knew. Enjoy...

Blah

Ordinarily I'm so gung-ho about posting but I've really got nothing today. I've been so worn out with work and studying for finals (one more week!) that I really haven't had energy for anything else. Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. I'm going to a concert with my BFF tomorrow night. I get out of class around 1215, she gets off work around 3. The only reason I won't start drinking until after she get off work is that I need to be able to drive to her house safely. On my way, I will be picking up beer/liquor. I promise that tomorrow, I will have an "alcohol-induced" post for you. It might just be a picture post, depending on how thirsty we are.  

Song of the day: This one seriously makes me think of Little Chief Swag, I can see him singing Drake's verse while he drives my car. And this song/video always, without fail, makes me want to bone. I'm pretty sure the first time I heard it, Little Chief Swag and I were doing it...Enjoy!

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight fish on Mars.