Good shit

This is a random post because my brain is on void and I'm having a hard time just thinking clearly. TGIF bitches. Every time I hear something funny, I always put it in my phone so that I can use it later. It got to the point where I had so much random funny shit that I've said or that other people have said. I'm in a giving mood so I thought I'd share...

"I specialize in lumber but I can help you go skiing if you want." I was eavesdropping on this conversation that the people behind me were having at a bar one night. It was a coded drug deal, they weren't slick.

Bartender: How old are you?
Drinker: I'm 32.
Bartender: (talking to me) He's really 12 though.
Drinker: Listen, I might be 12 on the inside but I definitely have big boy toys for the ladies.

"I ain't a hipster but baby, I can make your hips stir." Really dude, I've heard that song before. 

"Look bitch, don't make me go pop the trunk on you." Some trashy chick actually said that to another trashy chick, I heard it in passing and could not contain my laughter. She said it with so much emotion but she was all of 5 foot nothing. Small women amuse me when they get angry. 

"I'm not into girls. I just like to have my pussy licked and you like to lick it." This was part of an actual conversation that I overheard in the bathroom at the Nats stadium one night. These two girls were in the handicap stall and they were definitely about to hook up. The way they were talking was so intimate and dirty that I actually blushed. I swear I hear the craziest shit sometimes. 

I was at work last night and I went into the kitchen to ask the guys to make me some food. I love the kitchen staff, I call them all "Papi chulo" because they're adorable. One of the guys "stole my heart" because he always makes me extra food and I don't even have to ask for it anymore. His name's Carlos but he also responds to "Boyfriend" when I call him that. He's literally 5 feet tall with a pot belly but he's so adorable, I think he's only a few years older than I am. He walks up to me as I'm talking to one of the other guys and dude licks the side of my face, from jawbone to hairline. What the fuck just happened?!? He did it and then went back to cooking whatever the hell he was making, as if nothing had happened. I kinda just stood there for a second because I really didn't know what to do. He licked the side of my face. Then I burst out laughing because it was so freaking funny. The guys in the kitchen kept on going as if nothing had happened. The fact that I didn't gut him right then and there proves that I actually have a soft spot for those guys. Had it been anyone else, I would have slit their throat and pulled their tongue back through it.

I was at Tommy Joe's the other night and I was talking to this guy, War. He was telling me about this guy that he had problems with. I had a hard time imagining that because War is such a sweet person.
War: The guy is a total douchebag and he's just mad because his girlfriend liked me better.
Me: If she has a boyfriend, then why the hell are you carrying on with her like that?
War: She wants my nuts on her chin, that's not my fault.
Me: Did she actually say that to you?!?
War: She didn't say it in those words but she had that hungry look in her eyes. You know, that look when a girl really wants it and you know she's a freak? You know what I'm talking about, I'm sure you've given that look to a few guys before.
Me: Excuse the fuck out of you. I have never once said that I want some guy to stick his dick so far down my throat that his nuts are resting on my chin. And I have never giving a guy that dick hungry look. I only look like then when I want actual food.
War: Babe, there's not point in denying it, all girls have done it at some point in their lives. Anyway, I was sitting in the corner booth with the guys one night and after eye fucking the shit out of me for awhile, she finally comes over and sits down. The guy guys, pussy fiends that they are, got the hint and walked away. We started talking and then we started making out. Not once did she mention anything about having a boyfriend. Next thing I know, she's straddling me, in the booth. She gave me a huge lumber and I was definitely about to take her back to my place and tear her ass up. She---
Me: Wait, what kind of kinky bitches are you messing with? Why the hell would she give you a piece of wood?
War: (looking at me like I have three heads) Seriously Mackenzie?! Let me break it down for you. She gave me a massive hard-on.
Me: Oh. Well why didn't you just say that fool?!
War: Anyway, her boyfriend gets in my face about flirting with his girl and all that shit. I told him that she never mentioned anything about having a boyfriend and that the only issue was whether or not she'd come back to him when I was done with her.
Me: Now I see why that guy doesn't like you. You made out with his girlfriend then you found out that she had a boyfriend. You were still going to take her ass home with you and then toss her away like a piece of shit. You're such a prick.
War: No babe, I'm a guy. There's a difference.
Me: Not all guys are like that though. Please tell me that there is hope for me.
War: (he smiled and brushed the hair out of my eyes) There will always be hope for you, gorgeous. You never know, the right guy for you might be right under your nose.

How the hell am I supposed to interpret that last statement. Was he insinuating something? Am I looking too much into it? I tend to over analyze things but I also tend to be right on the mark when guys have feelings for me. This kid and I have been texting back and forth all day. It's kinda bad.

Don't let another missed opportunity keep love at bay, Cancer. You're self-protective nature can keep you from striking while the iron is hot. Chances are, the relationship of a lifetime is right under your nose but you keep missing the obvious signs because you are stuck in the past. Don't let love pass you by -- get present because one day could be today.

That was my horoscope yesterday. Is that a sign? I sure as hell don't know but what I do know is that I'm going to spend the rest of my day on Stumbleupon and catching up on my blog reading, while listening to Mac Miller (it's been one of those days)

Happy Friday bitches!


  1. Hahaha... I think all kitchen guys are named Carlos and that they all do the same inappropriate things. The Carlos in my kitchen asks me every day if I've decided to stop being a lesbian. And then one day he trapped me by the dish tank. He stood right up against me and then kissed my neck and walked away like nothing happened. Weird.

  2. Horoscopes are never accurate, at least in my opinion.

    However...that conversation? "You never know, the right guy for you might be right under your nose" Perhaps it could be a hint from the universe, some cosmic entity giving you a push in the right direction :P

    Don't be afraid to try something new...much like your next post says.