The saleswoman was a stupid twat & I nearly karate chopped a stranger in his throat

As previously stated, when I left work, I had some errands to run. My first stop was Blue Mercury. I could have very well gone to the mall but I really wasn't feeling all the traffic/stupid people getting there. For those of you that don't know, Blue Mercury is a cosmetics store that sells high end cosmetics, candles, fragrances and a whole bunch of other girly shit. Here's their website, should you get bored and want something to look at. My sole purpose for going there was to pick up some new perfume. I was at the mall last week with my mom and because I like to touch stuff, I went around spraying perfume on the little paper strips. This perfume that I fell in love with is called Sexy 9 (oddly enough). I kept the little scent strip and I've been orgasming over it ALL week. Today is pay day, so I figured that I would go buy it. You know that Marcy Playground song, "Sex & candy"? If not, you can listen to it here. The only reason that I brought it up is because the perfume smells so good that it might as well smell like sex and Chipotle. True story. Anyway, the women there work on commission so it would really behoove them to be nice, right? Apparently, this bitch thought she was too cool for school and that I wasn't worth her time. She should have just continued to sit her ugly, way-too-much-makeup-wearing ass behind the counter and I would have been just fine. Instead, she comes over to ask me if I needed help and said it with such a nasty tone that she might as well have said "what do you want?". Well you stupid little bitch, I want perfume. I already had the perfume in question in my hand. I was just going to get the small size because I change perfume and rotate the ones that I have so frequently. Sometimes, I just get sick of them all together. She tried to get me to buy the bigger bottle, the one that was 50 ml. I looked at the size of the smaller one and the bigger one; just out of curiosity, I wanted to know how much the bigger one was. She was nice enough (not!) to tell me that it was $98. Excuse me?!? Please keep in mind that the bigger bottle is essentially a normal size bottle of perfume.


This is how our conversation went after that:

Me: Let me get this straight. For $98, this bottle of perfume is going to do some Love Potion #9 type shit and make every guy that I come across fall madly in love with me. Correct?

Stupid bitch: looks at me like I'm crazy No.

Me: But it'll definitely make Willis McGahee, Ray Rice and Kevin Durant ask for my hand in marriage and then ask me to do the honor of having their babies, correct?

Stupid bitch: No, it won't do that either.

Me: as pleasantly as possible No, it isn't going to do that for me? Okie dokie. Well in that case, you can take that bottle and shove it up your ass.

The look on her face was priceless. Clearly, my mouth was firing off faster than my brain could react. Oops. She picked the wrong day to be a bitch to me. I bought the little bottle and made sure that that woman didn't get the sale. Stupid twat. Seriously though, this perfume smells delicious.

My next stop was Target. I've come to the conclusion that I really cannot go in there alone. Bad things always happen to my bank account when I do. With that being said, I went in there for toothpaste, mouthwash, shower gel, toilet paper and lint brushes. That's 5 items right there. I got all of those and then some. I used to have sock monkey slippers but I wore them all the time so consequently, they fell apart. So I ended up getting a new pair of slippers because they were cute and I had to have them. I was in the slippers/sock section and I saw the cutest knee high socks with polka dots and all that good shit. I threw about 5 different pairs in the cart...you can never have too many pairs of socks. I also saw some cute tie dye  undies that I absolutely needed to have because they're tie dye, duh! And then I got to the workout wear section, I actually paused there and I have no idea why. I don't workout and I have no need for workout clothes. My inner fake-me-out-workout-Barbie got the best of me and I saw a pair of athletic pants that I HAD to have. At that point, I had to pull myself away from the clothes and go to the checkout before I blew my entire paycheck on freaking shit that I absolutely do not need. I was standing in line and I saw some DVDs, I should have just looked away. Of course, I grabbed the one with the pink cover because I'm kinda girly sometimes. I didn't even look at the title; for all I knew, it could have been a Pink Panther movie. Luckily, when I started putting shit up on the conveyor belt, my sanity kicked back in and I looked at all the useless shit that I was about to purchase. Remove 50 billion pairs of adorable socks, super cute underwear and a purse that I managed to snag along the way, I spent $70ish on shit that I actually needed. Turns out the movie that I grabbed was Bridesmaid. Winning!!

I sat in bumper to bumper traffic on the way home but at least I had something to look forward to: beer, comfy new slippers, my flannel pjs and my couch. Not to mention the fattiest, greasiest Chinese food that I ordered for lunch and couldn't finish. The fact that I couldn't finish it might have something to do with the fact that I ordered sushi with it as well. What can I say? It's never too late to start packing on winter weight. I actually laughed as I typed that, me actually putting on weight is a very hard thing to do. 


When I pulled up in front of my building, I started stuffing my arms with shit because I refused to make a second trip out to the car, in the rain. God forbid! I was walking down the sidewalk to the front door and this creeper came up to me and asked if he could buy toilet paper off of me for $5. I was momentarily confused. There's a Spanish market around the corner that sells everything you could possibly need. Why are you talking to me right now?!?!? The guy wouldn't leave me alone and he followed me to the front door of the building. Seriously dude, fuck off!! I nearly karate chopped this fool in his throat with my free hand. He finally got the message and decided to crawl into a hole and die. That's probably not what he did but one can always hope.

I sincerely hope that each and every one of you has a better Friday than I did. Here's to hoping that tomorrow is a better day.