See that guy with dreads, I call dibs.

That's how it all started. I met Dreads back in October or November at a bar in Bethesda. I was still dating the Corporal then so I couldn't really do anything about. This guy is super hard to miss, he's about 6'2 with dreadlocks that come down past his waist. He usually wears them up to avoid sitting on them or getting them caught in his fly (not even kidding). He was so cute and he was funny and I wanted him. My best friend knew that but because I couldn't do anything about the situation that I was in, she went after him. I wasn't pleased about it but there was nothing I could do.

A couple of months later, I ran into him Bethesda when I went to meet my BFF. They weren't hooking up anymore but they had stayed friends. He was still adorable so I gave him my number. We started hanging out shortly after that and we were inseparable. I felt bad and I was terrified of telling my best friend that I had been hooking up with him. In the years we've been friends, we've never been interested in the same guy so I was apprehensive to tell her. When I finally grew some balls and fessed up to her, she laughed at me. She had no interest in dating him, she had slept with him and it ended there. I was relieved, Dreads and I went about our business.

Things were great for awhile and then they slowly started to change. I guess the "honeymoon period" had worn off. The little things that he did, like breathing, really pissed me off. He drinks entirely too much and we would get into awful fights that left me in tears every time. He told me that his friends hated me, his parents (whom I've never met because they live in Michigan) hated me, I was a miserable person, I was just plain mean and that I should be so lucky if he decides to date me. I was upset, I was hurt but I was also slightly amused. For someone that doesn't want to date me, he acts entirely too much like a boyfriend. News flash Dreads: you can't have your cake and eat it too. He wanted to be so immersed in my life, be friends with my friends, know all my bartenders. After awhile, I stopped going out to Bethesda with him; I couldn't stand it. When I go out, I bounce around the bar and talk to different people; I have a short attention span and can't stand still for long periods of time. He would follow me around, talk to my friends like he knew them and it drove me crazy. When I date people, I don't let them in all at once. They slowly gain access to different parts of my life. He didn't understand that. That's when I stated pushing him away.

He's 31 years old and has been working at Starbucks since he was 16. He's never worked anywhere else and has no plans of ever working anywhere else. I wish I were kidding. He has no ambition and he acts like a child with no responsibilities. His house is disgusting, absolutely atrocious and pretty sure he's a borderline hoarder. He has two cats that he hasn't taken to the vet in years and they're both long overdue for a visit. He has no concept of privacy. If the bathroom door is shut, that's because I'm pissing. That doesn't mean open the door and stand there while I finish taking a leak and wiping my whooha. I don't think he knows what personal hygiene is; in all the times that I've spent the night at his house, I've never seen him brush his teeth. Every time I left his house, I would have to go home and disinfect my entire body because I felt so gross.

I should be so lucky if you decided to date me? Are you fucking kidding me? You're a disgusting person and the mere thought of you actually makes me recoil. You have no ambition, you're quite content to smoke weed, work at Starbucks and play with your cars for the rest of your life. I'm not sorry that I actually want to go places with mine. But yet, for some reason, I can't seem to grow enough balls to tell you to kick rocks. So really, I have no one to blame but myself for being in this situation.

Here's to hoping my balls drop again.


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