This letter is for you, it's too bad that you'll probably never see it.
I like you as a person but I can't stand you when you drink. The more you drink, the more vile of a person you become. You have a touchy-feely problem when you're sober but it just gets worse with the more alcohol you consume. I don't like unnecessary touching as it is but I put up with the hugs and the back rubs because we're friends. And sometimes, I just need a hug. But let's be serious, there are limits to your freaking touching. At least, I know there are limits and I'm writing this post because you do not understand that there are things that you can and can't do when you're married. Flirting with the waitresses, no one's going to scream rape for that shit. The constant touching and hugging, that's kinda crossing the line dude. I just want to point out that I know your wife and I love you her and the kids. Your daughter woke up one morning and told your wife that she was going to come over and play with me because she missed me. And you're trying to sleep with me? How many levels of schmuck can you be?!?
Ever since I started working there, you've constantly touched me. I'm not talking about groping, I'm just talking about "regular touching" (hand around the waist, rubbing the shoulders). It never really bothered me but you have finally started pissing me off and crossing the line. I know how you get when you start drinking and I usually manage to stay away from you at that point but I couldn't seem to avoid it on Saturday night. We were all supposed to go out for drinks. I spent the majority of the day in bed catching up on my sleep so when I got up, showered and put on makeup, it was for the sole purpose of coming down to Bethesda to meet up with you guys. That evening turned out to be a total waste of makeup. As I previously stated, we had all planned to go out together but no one could make a decision as to where we should start the night off. I made the executive decision to go to Tommy Joe's because my best friend was there. An hour goes by, then 2 hours go by and we still hadn't left. I was getting bored because I wasn't drinking and I had no idea why the hell we were still at the restaurant. You kept getting touchy-feely with me and I kinda just shrugged it off but you could tell that something was off because you kept asking me if I was okay. I had a feeling that the night was only going to go downhill from there but I was really hoping that it wouldn't. Silly girl, always trust your gut. You kept up with the touching shit. When we were all standing outside, it was finally decided that no one actually wanted to go to Tommy Joe's. Thanks for letting me know guys, I wouldn't have stayed here this long had I known that.You're all stupid fucks anyway, so whatever.
I said bye and I walked to my car to drive to a parking garage that was closer to the bar. You decided that you were going to come with me. I was already thinking of ways to ditch you so that I wouldn't have to be stuck taking your drunk ass home. We walked into the bar and ordered drinks, you insisted on paying for my beer. Fine, I got free drinks and I was totally okay with that. I walked around the bar and you followed me like a sad, pathetic, little dog. You kept trying to hold my hand because you were wasted and was having trouble with life. You're a grown ass man, you should be able to handle yourself without me assisting you. We circled the bar once looking for my BFF and we couldn't find her. You were starting to piss me off at this point because you were totally cramping my style. The bartender told me not to be rude and introduce him to my boyfriend. Really?!? I don't freaking have one of those and he's known me long enough to know that. I was running into some of my cute guy friends and just purely based on the way that you were treating me and touching me, they all assumed that we were together as well. And then I ran into GC. He's the hottie that I slept with last weekend; you know, the one with one testicle! I turned around and caught him looking at me with such disdain because I was there with you and you were touching me the way that you were. He too assumed that I had a boyfriend that I deliberately didn't tell him about. I went up to say hello but he just looked at me and walked away.
At that point I was tempted to tell you that I was going to the bathroom and then just never come back; that's had much you were pissing me off. I knew your car was parked at home so I wasn't worried about you driving. A friend texted me and said that they were at another bar around the corner and they wanted me to come by. I gave them a head's up about the manager situation while we were on our way. We get to the next bar and my friends just watch the shitshow that is your fucking life. They thought it was funny at first but then they realized that I was not the slightest bit amused. They talk to you and try to steer you away from me but every time they tried to get you to check out another girl, you just latched onto my waist. Dude, get the fuck off me. We went back to Tommy Joe's, where I promptly made a beeline for the crowd so that I would lose the rest of the guys. It worked for about 5 minutes. I found GC, I had some serious damage control to do because I legitimately like him as a person and now he thinks I'm a freaking whore. I told him that you were married and that I wasn't sleeping with you, nothing was going on between the two of us; you were just wasted and entertaining the idea of me sleeping with you. GC believed me, he saw the sincerity/honesty in my face and then he took pity on me because he saw you coming up behind me. I begged him with my eyes to help me and he did nothing but smile and tell me to have fun. Thanks for nothing asshole. I made up this bullshit story with my best friend so that I wouldn't have to take youhome because your my neighbor, literally. I told you that I wasn't going home because I was staying at my BFFs, she needed a ride home and since we were going to go to brunch the next morning, there was no use in me going home to just turn around and come right back in the morning. You left the bar and caught a cab home. I stayed for at least another 20 minutes, dropped my boys off at their place and then headed home. I somehow made it home before you did because my car has a gas pedal. You called me when you got home but I didn't pick up. I texted you, just to make sure you were okay. You said you were fine but you were mad that I lied. Oops, you shouldn't have been such a creeper then. I told you that the BFF lost her phone and her keys and proceeded to have a freaking meltdown so I just brought her back to my place so she could sleep. She never lost her keys or phone but she did have an alcohol-fueled meltdown about Gordo because she loves him and she knows that he will never love her back. I'm sorry, I've heard that story a trillion times so I'm way passed the point of giving a fuck. When I told you that the BFF and I were home, I saw the door handle on my front door jiggle. You were fucking trying to get into my apartment. I was standing in the living room, holding my fucking breath because I could hear you stumbling up the steps to your apartment. You texted me again, wanting to know whether or not you could come hang out with us in my apartment. The jiggling stopped and I heard you open your door and go inside; I finally exhaled. Seriously dude, you are so far over the line that you can't even fucking see it anymore. My front door creaks really loud when I open it so the whole building knows when I open it and shut it. You texted me Sunday night when I got home from my mother's, it was 1130 12 o'clock at night by that time. You heard me come home and wanted to know if we could hang out. Seriously, where? You are leaping further and further away from appropriate and you really need to fix it before I fix that shit for you. I want nothingt to do with you anymore and at this point, I don't even want to be friends with you. You're such a fucking creeper that I'm very close to telling the owners that I'm not coming back to the restaurant after all.
And furthermore, don't you ever fucking cockblock me at the bar again. I have a hard enough time getting laid as it is, I don't need guys assuming that I'm dating some fat fuck just because you're standing obnoxiously close to me.
If you ever do get a chance to read this, you'll know it's about you. Song of the day, so appropriate right now...