After spending quality time with Big Poppa the other night, I went to pick up Murda (my brother's best friend). I wasn't really in the mood to get crazy but every time I go out with him, I always have fun. When I picked him up, I was half expecting him to be wasted, per his usual state. He was coherent and totally fine. Based on that and the fact that the moon was almost full (I totally believe in that shit), I should have known that last night was going to be a weird night.
We get to Tommy Joe's and it was pretty dead. A bunch of people are wearing their Skins jerseys because the game was last night. In a crowd of people, I happen to see a familiar hat and jersey. I knew that there could only be one person in the world that would wear a raggedy ass Steelers hat and jersey combo to the bar. Sure enough, it was my friend LB. At one point, the word "friend" didn't even do him justice because he was so much more than that; we were so close but never dating. We were, at one point, sleeping together but that never changed anything for us. We both knew that if we happened to find someone else, we could tell each other that and things would still be fine. I made the mistake of falling for him and I knew that it would lead nowhere. He and I both know that when we were ready to settle down, it could totally be with each other. That's how close we were. And then he started hooking up with D. When he told me about her, there was something about her that I wasn't too fond of but I couldn't quite pinpoint it. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was hooking up with her and not me. She was 19 or 20 at the time, LB was 24; he liked them young because he liked to go out and flirt with every girl in a five mile radius of wherever he was standing and he didn't want his girl to get in the way of that. He and I used to go out all the time, he would flirt with girls and I would flirt with guys; we were the perfect team. On a very crucial day last year, he was so worried and so stressed out. I finally pulled it out of him. D had mentioned that she really wanted a Cartier watch for Christmas. LB, the fool that he is, bought her the damn watch and then struggled to make ends meet with other things in life because he wanted her to be happy. I'm all for making your partner happy and whatnot but there's a limit; they weren't even official at that point. She was just shacking up at his place because it beat living with her parents. She didn't have a job, she wasn't paying rent, she wasn't even doing anything while he was at work during the day. She was living the life and she knew that it wouldn't get any better than that. I asked him to be careful with her and use a condom at all times. Then he told me that he found out that she had stopped taking her birth control because he saw it in the trash. Not once did she tell him, not once did she consult him about it either; she should have done so because they were having unprotected sex. She was trying to get pregnant on purpose. I left the bar and knew that the next time I saw him, he was going to tell me that she was expecting. The next time I saw him, the first words out of his mouth were "you were right". He didn't want to admit to me that he was starting to realize that she was crazy and he didn't have to. I could see it in his eyes. It killed me because I knew that I could never do anything about the situation. Life got in the way and we sort out fell out of touch for a little bit. A few months later, I got a text from him "tommy joe's, 20 minutes". I was already standing at the bar when he sent it, someone we had missed each other at the door. We were sitting there, shooting the shit when he pulls out a ring box and sets it down. "I picked it out by myself, I want to know what you think". There was hesitation in his eyes, he really wanted to know if I approved of the ring. I opened the box. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. At that moment, I was so incredibly proud of him but for some reason, I was fighting back tears. I knew that we wouldn't be able to hang out anymore because for once in his life, he was trying to do things the right way. He was going to marry her because that's what she wanted. They had a small courthouse ceremony and a baby shower/BBQ. I wasn't invited to either one and I knew that it was for the best.
When I saw him last night, we talked about everything and nothing. We didn't know how to act around each other anymore; it was like we were strangers yet we still knew everything about each other. He finally looked me dead in the face with this sad look in his eyes and said "Things shouldn't have turned out the way that they did. I should have listened to you and been more careful. It shouldn't have been her. It should have always been you. I always wanted it to be you." My heart damn near stopped beating. There was a very small part of me that had always wanted to hear him say that but now that he had, I was speechless. Before I could catch myself, a single fucking tear fell and he wiped it away. His hand caught the light when he moved it and we both looked down at the ring on his finger. I looked back up at him and then I walked away. There was nothing that I could do or say to make the situation better so there was no point in trying. I was in such a hurry to go back up to the bar and get a drink that I walked right into Goof. (I wrote this post about him) He looked at me and knew something was wrong so he didn't argue when I gave him the look of death and told him to get the fuck out of my way. I was pounding shots at the bar when Murda walked up and asked me to slow down (that's a fist for him because he'll drink anyone under the table). I had just ordered another round of shots so I decided to bring a peace offering to Goof for being such a bitch. He was there with his girlfriend. I walked up to him and gave him the shot, no words were needed for my gesture.We talked for a few and his girlfriend stared me down the entire time. Not once did I introduce myself to her, it was rude but I really didn't care. She wasn't trying to introduce herself to me either. Goof and I had a civilized conversation and he managed not to say stupid shit. I was kind of impressed. I walked away with a smile on my face.
It seemed that wherever I went in the bar, I'd catch some guy checking me out. Murda caught a lot of it too. I don't know what had changed in the hour or so that we had been there but it was ridiculous. I was in the middle of a conversation with one of my girls and this guy came up to me, told me I was gorgeous and then walked away. Another guy, with a house arrest bracelet on his ankle (really dude, you're not even allowed to leave your house), wanted to buy me a drink. He was so cute too. I totally would have stood around and talked to him but that just wouldn't have gone anywhere because I'm still on probation, I can't be hanging out with people like that. What LB said to be seemed to have started the ball rolling again. I was "on fire" and I hadn't even done shit. Murda and I left the bar and went to Tastee Diner because that's the place to go after last call. We sat there and stuffed our faces with greasy sandwiches and he inhaled two bowls of mayo with his sandwich. We bullshitted about all the hot messes that were there and talked shit to each other. Then he got serious and told me that I should never settle for less than I deserve because he thinks I'm an amazing person and one day, the right guy will see that too.
What happens when the right guy's seen it but he's already married to someone else?
At that point in time, it didn't matter who was checking me out or who tried to get my number...I just wanted LB back. I wanted things to go back to the way they were before D came into the picture. I want my best friend back and I want this empty feeling to go away. Even when we didn't talk for weeks, I knew that we were still fine. Now, there's no fine; there's no "us". I think that's what hurts the most.