Reasons why I won't date you

This is for you, it's too bad that you will probably never read this. But just in case you do...

You think that Michigan is in Ohio. I'm sorry, what did you just say to me? Her boyfriend lives in Ohio and she's in Michigan visiting him, Michigan's like a huge city in Ohio. What? Why are you looking at me like that?


You want to buy me jewelry for my birthday. First of all, what makes you think that you're going to be around until then (we had that conversation at the begin of March and my birthday's in June)? Second of all, I don't want anything from you, don't take it personally because I'm like that with all guys. He really did take it personally and had to walk away because he was about to cry. This really makes me sound like a horrible person.


You insist on paying for everything. I'm sorry but that's just not how I was raised. I have a job and I can carry my weight financially. I don't need you to, nor do I want you to, pay for everything. Nor do I want you to give me cash when I say that I don't have any. You're not a bank. I already have one, it's called Bank of America.


You insist on seeing me everyday, regardless of what I'm doing or what time of day it is. I understand that you went out drinking with your friends but it's 2AM and I'm in bed, I have no desire to get out of bed to let you in because I have no desire to see you. You're drunk and you want to bone. Not happening. And furthermore, you coming over to try and bone would most likely be a waste of time because you're so drunk that you probably wouldn't be able to get it up. I work 9 to 5 and I'm in school, I need my sleep so go away.


You are very annoying and you seem to think it's funny. You're not that funny and your stupid antics piss me off. Your nickname is Goof, I should have known better. 


You want to talk after sex. No. I will fully admit that I should not have slept with you but you were just so cute and we had both been drinking. Either way, I should have freaking known better. We had sex and I was hot and sweaty afterwards, that's a good sign. I was then immediately ready to pass out. I didn't want to cuddle and I sure as hell didn't want to talk. You then proceeded to shake me and tickle me in order to keep me awake so that we can watch a movie and talk at 2 in the morning. You're going to make me cause severe physical pain to your body. 


You tickle me. I hate being tickled more than anything in this world. You can ask my brother, I've given him multiple bloody noses because he thought tickling me was funny. It's not. I will assault you then I will look at you while you're writhing in pain and tell you to man up because every action has a reaction. 


You get mad when I don't tell you what I'm thinking. Seriously? Get the fuck out of my head. If I'm staring off into space with a dazed look on my face, leave me alone because I'll come back to earth when I'm good and ready. When you ask me what's wrong and I say nothing, you actually get mad because you think I'm lying. Nothing was wrong until you pissed me off. 


You are really emotional. You post this on Facebook "i seriously miss u alot. like seriously i miss u sooooo much. i wish we could be together" I  seriously don't want to hear that shit. I don't even say shit like that and if I ever did, I sure as hell wouldn't post it on Facebook. I wake up to a text saying that you really miss me and I saw you less than 12 hours before. I'm not very emotional. In fact, my ex-boyfriends have called me a frigid bitch on multiple occasions. It has to be the right place and the right time for me to tell a guy that I miss them. And furthermore, I will not cry in front of you unless I am in extreme physical pain.


I think that you're really irresponsible. I can handle my liquor; you, on the other hand, are a very sloppy drunk. And to make matters worse, you will spend $100 on the bar tab (understand that it's your own personal tab) even though we've only been there for 30 minutes. And then you expect me to let you drive me home. Are you insane? I'd like to live for another 100 years. Then you get mad at me because I won't get in the car with you. This may sound really bad but you are definitely not the last person I want to see before I die. 


You're 23 but you act like a child sometimes...most of the time. I'm not a babysitter so I have no desire to follow up after you to make sure that you're making the right decisions and handling the shit that you need to. To me, car payments are more important than buying the latest pair of Jordan's...just saying.


You really are a good-looking guy but all of those things make you very unattractive in my eyes. These are the reasons that I will never date you. I hope this somehow finds it's way to you because these words are a lot nicer than anything I could ever say to your face. 


Song of the day, enjoy...