"let us endeavor so to live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry." mark twain

I was sitting in traffic the other and I started thinking. That was my first mistake. If I were to die today, what would people say at my funeral? I shuddered at that thought. They would probably bring up stories like that one time, some douche really pissed me off so I flattened his tires. I used a small, thin screwdriver to insert into the valve stems (the little tube that stick out of your tires, where you attach the air hose when filling your tires) and punctured them so that they wouldn't hold air anymore. I never wanted to hurt him. In truth, I wanted him to get hit by a firetruck going at breakneck speeds, but I never wanted to physically hurt him myself. I just really wanted to inconvenience him a little. Turns out that I inconvenienced him a lot. My partner-in-crime and I hide in the parking garage to see the look on his face, and the subsequent tantrum, when he saw his car. Watching that was better than sex. People would probably also bring up that one time that I "decorated" some guy's car with car paint (the kind that you used to write shit on people's windshields). That guy had also pissed me off so I had to let the world know that he had a very small penis, the kind that's not even worth dealing with. I wish I had taken a picture of my artwork. I literally drew small cocks on every window except for his front windshield. On the back windshield, I wrote "I have a small penis. Honk if you like that." If you've ever had anyone write on your windows with car paint, then you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to get it off. It was priceless. He was livid because his car was, and probably still is, his baby. It probably took him hours to get it off. He shouldn't have pissed me off. People might also bring up the numerous occasions where I have made girls cry. Seriously, it's not my fault that they're emotionally weak. I've also made men cry. I don't even know what to say about that...stop being a little bitch and let your sac drop. If you really want to cry, that's fine. Can you at least do it in a closet, with the door closed?

I'm sure that there would be people that would stand up for me when everyone else was talking trash. I have no idea what they would say but I'm sure someone would say something nice...right guys?!? I try to be nice to people but then they do stupid shit so I take it upon myself to act on karma's behalf and get them back. I should really change my behavior so that my tombstone doesn't read "She was a raging cunt. Good riddance."

What would people say at your funeral?