Weak Sauce

So I was totally expecting this hurricane thing to be a lot worst than it actually was (in my neck of the woods). The way people were acting, you'd think that it was the end of the world. I tried to go to the grocery store around 6 on Friday night and it was a legit cluster fuck.  I went to hang out with some friends and figured that I would stock up on food on the way home. I went back at 1AM, thinking that I was going to be the only smart one to think of that...joke's on me, it was still packed. It just wasn't as crazy as before. They were completely out of fresh fruit, soup and stuff that you would need it the world was coming to an end.

The shelves were devoid of standard things that people get in times of disaster. I was totally okay with because I wasn't looking for any of that shit.

My Hurricane Survival kit:

  • a box of Lucky Charms cereal
  • 3 boxes of Cheeze-Its
  • 2 bags of pizza-flavored Goldfish
  • 4 packs of king size Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
  • 1 big ass bag of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans
  • a box of Hot Tamales
  • Nature Valley Peanut Butter granola bars
  • Pistachio flavored ice cream (this will totally be safe when I lose power, right?!)
  • a 30 pack of Corona (can't get stranded without alcohol!)

I ran some errands Saturday morning and hunkered down before the weather got really bad. I literally spent the rest of the day lounging in bed or playing around on Stumbledupon and Pinterest. I told myself that I wasn't going to turn on my laptop at all and that I was going to stay in bed and read. I also said that I was going to fold laundry and tidy up my apartment, none of that happened. I blame the Internet. Since they had predicted that the weather was going to be horrific, I had no problems not going out. After my second nap of the day, I got bored. I wanted to go out. I wanted sushi, Chipotle and pizza, all at the same time. I was tired of sitting at home when there was nothing more than a thunder storm going on outside. The idea of going out was so much more appealing than actually going out. I really didn't feel like putting on my rainboots and all that shit. I was hungry as shit though so at that point, my only motivation would have been Chipotle. I'm such a fattie; one day, that will actually show on the outside. I decided to order pizza because that was the only logical solution. 

At this point, there was just a glorified thunderstrom going on outside. The pizza guy finally got here, after getting lost and calling me for directions. He stood at my front door and held my pizza hostage while he asked me where I was from, all while staring at my tits. He told me that he was from the bush in Africa and that I shouldn't mind him. He wouldn't give me my pizza until I agreed to go back to the Mother Land and see my people. I agreed and snatched the pizza out of his hand. I was trying so hard not to laugh at him because he was just so ridiculous. He said something to me in some African dialect and then left. I texted my mom and told her what happened, laughing the entire time. She said that she hoped he was gone and that I had locked the door. I told her that I had invited him in for coffee because I'm sure they don't have that in the bush. I also told her that we were having a conversation about the proper way to kill a gazelle and bring it back to the village without worrying about actual predators. She didn't seem too amused with my jokes. I didn't care, I was fighting back tears of laughter. 

The wind blew a lot and it poured for the majority of the day. I never lost power. No trees came down. It was disappointing because I was expecting a lot more than what we actually got in this area. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't hoping for anyone to get hurt or anything along those lines. I just wanted to see what the weather people have been predicting for days, but I wanted to see it without any actual damage. Is that even possible?! My friend Murda's in NC and I'm actually really worried about him because no one's heard from him. A few days ago, he was going to come back up here and ride out the storm but then he decided to stay down there and that's the last that we've heard of him. I'm sure he's okay but I still worry. Whatever, I'm going to take another nap because doing nothing wears me out. 

Awesome song, go dance to it...


  1. :-) Your survival kit sounds a more yummy then most.

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  2. Your Hurricane Survival Kit rocks. It should have its own page on the FEMA website, or whatever site the government uses to tell you when it's appropriate to stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

    It does seem like so many people overreact during bad weather. That earthquake is another prime example.

    Loving the pizza delivery guy. What a comical, and yet racially insensitive, charming bastard.