**This is an addendum to the previous post
I was angry when I said those things to you but more importantly, my feelings were hurt. I knew that I cared about you way more than you cared about me. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that so I denied it for the longest time. At times, I even felt like I wasn't good enough for you. When I talked to you on Thursday, I said everything out of spite and mildly lashed out because you were on my shit list and I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stay friends with you at all. When I got off work and went to the restaurant last night, I saw you sitting at the bar. My heart sank because I knew that I had hurt you and made you angry. That was never my intention; I was just trying to make you understand that I wasn't pleased with you. As usual, I fucked shit up and spoke with anger. Some of what I said was true. When I make plans that I try to include you in, I half expect them to not go as planned because something always comes up in your life. Not once have you ever actually come out and said that you didn't want to do anything that I had planned. For me, you not being able to follow thru at the last minute was equivalent to you saying "fuck off". My only intention was for us to do something fun, together. Maybe that was "our" downfall. When you left the restaurant after our conversation the other day, I vowed that I would not be the first person to make contact with the other.
I needed a favor last night and you were the only one that I trusted enough to help me. I was trying to swallow my pride and mentally prepare myself to grovel at your feet, all while asking for help. I turned around and started walking towards you a good three times, people must have thought that I was crazy because I kept turning around and going in the opposite direction. When I finally decided to let my sac drop, I turned around to go inside and talk to you but you were already walking towards me. It was so awkward that we might as well have been 6th graders with crushes on each other. I asked you to help me and said that I would totally understand if you said no, given the way I acted towards you. To my surprise, you agreed to help me. I was shocked. That just further reinforces how much of a bitch I am. I was mean to you and you were still willing to help me out. On the ride up to the tow lot, there was an awkward silence that I really wanted to fill with conversation but you knew that I would be forcing it so I just left it alone. I was on the verge of tears because I knew that I had driven a wedge in our friendship.
I eventually came to terms with the fact that we'll never actually be "together" but it kills me to think that I fucked up our entire friendship because I was being a moody bitch. Every time I see you, I can't help but smile because you just have that effect. For what it's worth, I like having you in my life...in whatever form that may be.