Shit my dad says

When my dad starts drinking, he starts saying some of the funniest, most random, awkward and inappropriate shit. Most of these things were said during a 48 hours period. When he drinks, he reminds me a lot of Ice Cube's dad in all the Friday movies.

People don't learn swag. Either they're born with it or they aren't. I was nice enough to pass it on to you when you were born. You can thank me later.

Daddy: Kiddo, do you love me?
Me: confused Of course I do, you're the best dad a girl could ask for.
Daddy: Then why is my wine glass still empty?!

Between your mother and my current wife, I think I like you the best. Sometimes, I'm still not sure.

Daddy: Mackenzie, I love you.
Me: What do you want?
Daddy: Nothing, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I loved you.
Me: I know Dad, but you tend to only say it that way when you want something.
Daddy: Well now that we're on the subject, go make me a sandwich.
Me: Seriously?
Daddy: Yes seriously. Why are you still sitting here? Go to the store and buy shit so that you can make me a sandwich.

Me: Dude, the waitress wants to know if you want another drink.
Daddy: Shh, they're about to score.
Me: I know, I see that but she's standing here and she wants to know about five minutes ago.
Daddy: blatantly checking the waitress out Honey, you can bring me whatever you want.
Waitress: trying not to laugh in his face Sure thing sir, I'll be right back with another round.
Me: Seriously dad, can you at least wait until she's not looking at you to check her out?
Daddy: Why? She should take it as a compliment. I mean shit, I'm good-looking for an old guy.
Me: That's only because you got your looks and your cool factor from me.
Daddy: laughing I don't think so. I was there when you were born. You were wrinkly and you were funny looking. You grew out of it a little bit but you've still got a ways to go.

One of the players for the 49ers intercepted the ball from the opposing team and ran it back for a touchdown. It was legit because he ran across half the field and nobody could touch him. When my dad saw it, he started shouting at the TV...
Daddy: Go boy, go! Run like the cops are chasing you!
It got real quiet in the bar because everyone turned to look at him. I was laughing so hard that beer shot out of my nose.
Me: Dad, what the hell is wrong with you?
Daddy: What? Why is everyone looking at me like that? The boy is black, it's not like he's never run from the cops before.

Daddy: Mackenzie, you see that ugly girl over there? She's got a big old phattie and she is working that dress.
Me: She's really not attractive at all.
Daddy: That ain't nothing that a bag won't fix.
Me: You are not alright.


To be continued...