How I spent my Friday night

For those of you that don't know, I slept with a guy that had one testicle. If you haven't read that post you can read it here. I know that I'm a horndog and I like talking about sex but let's be serious, I don't often have it. When I do eventually get laid, something weird always happens (snow storm, hurricane, power outage...). That might be a sign that I should stop doing it, literally, but that's not going to happen.

Let me start off by saying this, I'm super anal about taking my birth control and using condoms and all that good stuff because there are so many negative things that could happen when you don't. Anal to the point where if there are no condoms around, I just won't do it. Somehow, I made a mistake with Mr. One Testicle. I had a brief moment of hesitation when we were about to do it but I pushed it aside and got on with it. How could I be so stupid?! I didn't think much about it at the time because he has one nut. I was probably thinking that he couldn't possibly be fertile at all. Erroneous! After I did some snooping and fact checking, I found out that he was in fact capable of impregnating a girl because it happened to his ex. That was the straw that broke the camel's back in their relationship. I digress. I slept with him at the end of May/beginning of June. I thought it was strange that I was still feeling queasy a few days after my birthday. I hadn't had any alcohol since then and I really only felt sick in the morning or around food. Yesterday, I really started to worry, especially after I found out that his swimmers work just fine.

Fast forward to today. Had it been an urgent matter, I would have gone to CVS last night and gotten a pregnancy test. For some reason, I was pretty chill and matter-of-fact about the situation, given what it was. That's so not like me! I don't know what's wrong with me today. Anyway, I stopped by Safeway to pick up a test on my way home. The logical place for said items to be is in the tampon section, right next to the condoms. Am I wrong? According to Safeway's design, I am. I checked the baby aisle to see if they'd put it there as a sick joke/hint at contraception. Wrong again. I went to the pharmacy to ask where they would be. The woman behind the counter, total moron, wasn't sure so she tried to call customer service at the front of the store to ask. She tried to call them. Instead, she used the store intercom and didn't realize it until it was too late. "Hey Mike. There's this girl here looking for pregnancy tests. Do you have them at the front? [pause] Ok, I'll send her right over."

Everyone in the pharmacy line looked at me with pity. The entire store heard her ask for pregnancy tests. Seriously? How dumb do you have to be to not know how to use a phone? And furthermore, how deaf and dumb do you have to be to realize that you just used the store intercom and not the actual phone?! I was actually kind of embarrassed and that says a lot because it usually takes a lot for that to happen. Anyway, I went up to customer service and my lovely pregnancy test was waiting for me. The worst part was that the guy behind the counter was super hot. Of course, he would be. He also looked at me with me pity. Then I asked for a pack of cigarettes as well. He looked at me with with disgust at that point. He told me that if I thought I was pregnant, I really shouldn't be smoking. Excuse me? Mind your freaking business, fuck you very much! I shoved the damn bag in my purse because the plastic was practically transparent. Really Safeway? I know that everyone's trying to cut back on things to save the environment but isn't there any way that you can have small paper bags for purchases like mine?!

Sidenote. Purchases that require small brown bags: tampons, condoms (especially when you buy the ones for less endowed guys. true story, that was embarrassing), feminine itch cream (I've never had any use for it but I'm fairly certain that it would be an awkward situation had I needed to purchase it)

After that series of unfortunate events, I was finally on my way home to take the god-forsaken test. I drove much slower than usual because I was honestly dreading it. It normally takes me 5 minutes to get home from that Safeway. I took the long way and drove through a couple of neighborhoods that weren't mine. I pulled over at one point and hit my head against the steering wheel. I legitimately did, that was my way of sleeping myself. I needed to man the hell up and go home so that I could pee on a stupid little stick. 

I finally made it home and stood in my bathroom for a good 20 minutes, looking at my currently flat stomach. I actually shed a few tears at the potential horrible results. So I read the instructions and all that good shit and tried to get on with the process. Now, I've never been skilled at peeing in public or peeing in a cup at the doctor's office. I should have known that this was not going to go as planned. I tried to piss on the little applicator thing, I succeeded at doing that but I also peed on my hand. Really?!? The situation was getting worse by the minute!! While I was waiting for the recommended amount of time to pass, I did some crunches. I was totally not ready to give up my freedom, my life and my paycheck to a baby. I finally looked at the pee stick and saw the results...they were negative. This is how I danced around my apartment:

I have never, in my 24 years on Earth, been so happy to see a minus sign on a test! I will also, never again take a pregnancy test because I was an idiot and was thinking with my girly parts. I prayed to all that is holy and thanked my freaking lucky stars that there isn't a baby inside of me. I'm so not ready for that to happen. I'm not ready to give up my life as I know it for a child. I still have so much growing to do. I really do love children, I'm just not ready for them yet. I spent the rest of my night doing crunches, dancing around my apartment to 90s music (because we all secretly miss that decade) and reading Twilight. I will use this weekend to celebrate America and the fact that I'm not pregnant. 

Song of the day, iTunes shuffle decided to play a sick joke on me and play this song. Thanks fuckers...

1 comment:

  1. Glad it worked out good for you! Always use protection girl.