First and foremost, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments and concern for Big Poppa and his health. He got out of the hospital yesterday and it really felt like there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I went to go see him when I got off work last night. He got mad because I was talking during "America's Got Talent". Nice to have you home, Dad! He said the one plus to being in the hospital was that he could watch TV and not have his wife call his name every 5 minutes; I sympathize with that because his wife is the most vile person I have ever met. Words cannot describe my dislike for her and vice versa; that clearly needs to be a post one day. The docs gave him some dietary restrictions and things like that. Keep in mind that they gave him instructions and lifestyle changes because they want him to live longer and be healthy, not to piss him off. They told him that he wasn't allowed to have mayonnaise anymore. You should have seen his face when he told me that, it was equivalent to one he would make if the world were to end tomorrow. This is how the no mayo conversation went...

Dad: So they told me I probably shouldn't eat mayo anymore.
Me: I don't think that's how they phrased it, dude. I'm pretty sure they told you that you should just cut it out all together.
Dad: (takes a deep breath) So what if they didn't say it that way. I love mayo and I'm proud of it. It's been with me for a long time and it has never done me wrong.
Me: (laughing) You're talking about a condiment as if it were a person. It's mayonnaise, it's super gross and you're better off without it. Your arteries will thank you later.
Dad: But you see, the immediate problem is that my taste buds are going to be unhappy now. So will my stomach. I'm not a happy person when I don't eat mayo.
Me: Seriously, what is wrong with you? Did they run head tests will you were at the hospital? I'm confused as to why you're making a huge fuss about mayo.
Dad: Well confusion seems to run in the family because I'm confused as to why you now hate it. You loved it when you were little.
Me: You must be confusing me with your other child. (mind you, I'm an only child) I don't ever remember liking mayo or eating it willingly for that matter. I remember the time Mommy made me a tuna salad sandwich and I ate it, not knowing what was in it. It was good so I asked her what was in it. When she told me what it is, I threw up on her.
Dad: You purposefully threw up on your mother? Why would you do that?!
Me: I didn't meant to, the mayo made me sick. I was probably 5 or 6 years old; I didn't know any better.
Dad: (rolling his eyes) Mayonnaise does not make you sick, Mackenzie. I used to give it to you all the time when you were little. I would sit you on the kitchen counter while I made us bologna sandwiches and I put mayo on them. You were so cute, you would stick your tiny hand in the jar and then lick it. Then we would walk from the kitchen to the living room, sit on the couch and watch TV. I had to bribe you with candy so you wouldn't tell mommy that I let you sit on the kitchen counter naked, we didn't use plates or napkins and probably tracked crumbs everywhere. You know how she is about crumbs. Anyway, when she would leave you with me some days because she had a lot of errands to run, we always had a good time. I never made you put on clothes around the house because you would always end up taking them off, you didn't like getting dressed when you were a toddler. You always wanted to eat hot dogs with me because mommy never used to let you have them. I'd give you the hot dog, no bun because you didn't like it. You'd stick it in the jar of mayonnaise just like I taught you and you would sit there munching away with a big old smile on your face.

He looked at me fondly, as if he missed the good old days. I was horrified. Clearly, there were a lot of things wrong with my childhood and just seem to have repressed those memories. He seems to think that there was nothing wrong with anything that he had just told me. Really, Dad?! You let me stick my grimy hands in the jar of mayonnaise? That's disgusting; knowing a toddler version of me, my hands were probably dirty as shit. You sat me on the kitchen counter ass naked. Mommy's gonna be real mad at you when she finds out about that! And then, you let me walk around with food in my hands without using a plate or a napkin. You're lucky that you just got out of the hospital because had you not, Mommy would kill you for that. Her biggest pet peeve is stepping on crumbs while she's barefoot. Thanks for letting me run around naked when I was younger; you nipped my "girls gone wild phase" in the bud at an early age. Knowing you, Father Dear, you didn't even cook the hot dogs. I just want to reiterate that mayonnaise is disgusting. If you fed it to me as much as you say you did, I probably developed an aversion to it that lasted well over 20 years. I'm totally okay with that.

This is my reaction to eating mayo as a child

In other news, I got an invite to my 5 year high school reunion the other day. I promptly started hyper ventilating; it has nothing to do with the fact that I've been out of high school for 5 years. I'm totally okay with that fact because time passes. What I'm not okay with is the fact that a shit ton of people I went to high school with are going to be converging on my local hang out spot in Bethesda. I went to Gaithersburg High School, 20 minutes away from Bethesda. As you can tell, I don't particularly like those people. They weren't nice to me in high school and I really doubt that they'll be nice to me now. The sad part is that I give every single one of them the benefit of doubt because I can't help it. I always look for the good in people because I'm a nice person...sometimes, but not really though. Damn high school reunion, I hate you. People are already going crazy over it. The girls are going to bring out their best outfits and all that good shit. I will not be apart of the shit show. I'm going to sit at home and get my nerd on while reading the rest of the Twilight series.

I started singing this on my way to work this morning. I don't know why my brain likes to play tricks on me like that. I've been singing this damn song all day.


  1. That is precious!
    But I'm with your Dad on this one- mayo lover here :)

  2. The only thing that worse than mayo is dirty hand in the mayo jar. And the only thing worse than that is if the dirty hands were attached to a naked body.

    I probably would have vomited if my father had told me I'd done that in the past.

  3. Your dad fed you hot dogs dipped in mayonaisse? I think that qualifies as child abuse in at least a few states... :)

    Also, I totally skipped my 5 year high school reunion. Maybe by my 10 year I'll feel/be successful enough to put in an appearance.

  4. oh max, how I love these random posts. . .lol.

    Firsly - I'm hype your fathers back! You were getting me nervous, girl lol. I started thinking about my family members and whatnot. . .and tell him that even without mayo, he can enjoy his food. He needs to look on the bright side: he got how many years of mayo-lovin' out the way? At least he enjoyed it when he could.

    That child mayo story is a bit odd, but I can't knock you for running around naked as a kid when my mom frequented the house naked just cause. She doesn't do it much now because it's, y'know, weird, but her thing was always "It's my house, I'll be free". I swear if she wasn't trying to survive in society she'd be a nudist.

    And thanks! now you have me wanting to watch Bring it On! >.<

  5. I agree with Nhya, your random posts are wildly entertaining. Very happy to hear that your father is in good health and strong spirits! Definitely understand how you feel about the 5-year reunion...I got my invitation a few months ago and I (somewhat politely) declined. The guest list was a Who's Who of people I haven't seen in the last 5 years, and I live less than a half-hour from my high school. If we haven't spoken in 5 years, there's probably a reason for that...so enjoy my share of the hors d'oeuvres, douchebags. :D