And so it begins

I've been procrastinating on writing this date post because I really don't even know what to say. If you've been reading the blog, you'll know that I had a weird/emotional night the night before the actual date and by the time I woke up, I really had no desire to actually go on the date with Shoes (that's his new nickname). I sucked it up and I went anyway because I'm not one to cancel at the last minute. I'm really glad I went, it took my mind off of shit and we had a good time. He wanted to come pick me up but I live all the way across town and I really didn't want him to know where I live, for safety reasons. I told him that I would come pick him up because it was logistically a better idea since he lives in between me and the zoo.

Shoes is about 5'10 and uber skinny; he might have the same size waist as I do. He is so cute and so "rico suave" that it's mildly ridiculous. (One thing that could be a problem: he's so skinny that if we were ever to do it, I would have some crucial bruises on the insides of my thighs) On our way to the zoo, I could feel him staring at me while I was driving; I would occasionally look over and meet his eyes. He has this really intense stare that made me feel awkward at times because it was so deep; I had to look away. He's 28, he's funny, he's sweet, he's a gentleman, he's a single dad. I knew that he was too good to be true. He lives with his daughter and his sister. The girl's mother went crazy shortly after the baby was born and they haven't heard from her since. I think it's really hot and endearing that he's a single dad but that could also cause a problem. I'm not about to sign up to be someone's mother, not matter how cute they are (and she's freaking adorable, he showed me pictures, I fell in love). We had a great time at the zoo and it was really nice to see a different side of him. He dresses well, he's musically inclined, he speaks French; those are all great qualities. We went to Chipotle after we left the zoo because I was, of course, hungry again. We sat there and talked while I ate, he asked me random questions, all the while, staring me down as I was eating. Creepy much? No, not in the slightest bit. He asked me what I was thinking and if I was having a good time. Really dude? You're cute, don't ruin it by asking me questions like that as I stare off into space.

We went out again on Monday night, we went for sushi. I was early so I sat at the bar and waited for him. When he got there, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and as he was sitting down, he pulled his chair so close to mine that I could feel his body heat. That was totally not necessary. We might as well have been that couple that sits on the same side of the booth when they go out to eat. I don't want to be like those people, especially since we're not even a couple. I vented about my day and he talked about how he spent his. I was listening but I wasn't quite there. The entire time I was with him, I thought about another guy and what he was doing. That's just freaking fantastic, I was on a date with one guy, yet I couldn't get another guy out of my mind. Get your head in the game! I had to mentally tell myself that so many times but it just wasn't working. Physically, I was there but mentally, I was hanging out on some other guy's couch. (When the time is right, there will be a post about the other guy)

Shoes paid the bill even though I asked him not to. I had more to drink than he did so it was only fair that I paid. We went to a sushi place in Bethesda, my favorite place to go so needless to say that I go there a lot. I know the managers and the servers and they always take good care of me. Dude paid the bill and left a 10% tip. He kept telling me how great the manager/bartender was so I know that the lack of a proper tip had anything to do with the service, it had everything to do with the way that he was taught. I didn't have any cash on me to leave for him so I just had to accept the situation, as much as I didn't want to. It didn't feel right for me to broach the subject with Shoes, I feel like he would have gotten offended by it. Had he thought the service was shitty, I still wouldn't have liked it but I would have understood. When we left the restaurant, I was just embarrassed. And on top of it, he heard me talking about going to Blackfinn (the bar right next door) and he incorrectly assumed that he was going with me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't want to go with him. As soon as we turned the corner, I was so busy fishing in my purse that I walked right into some guy. I looked up at him and nearly had a heart attack. I had just walked into the lead singer of SOJA. I mildly freaked out and then apologized profusely. I really wanted to take a picture with him but my phone was dead and I was in too much of a trance to realize that Shoes was still standing there (unfortunately); he could have taken the picture with his phone. I start bumbling like an idiot about the SOJA tattoo that I have on my ribs, had I not been wearing a dress, I would have freaking shown him. The girl that he was with must have thought that I was a crazy groupie whore that would have slept with him had I come across him when he was alone. Not the case, I don't like sharing with dirty ass bitches. Jacob (the lead singer) thanked me for being a fan and said that he loved it when he met fans with tattoos of their lyrics. My heart skipped a beat...and I might have creamed myself a little bit, just a little bit.

I go to Blackfinn with Shoes and I see one of my favorite neighborhood bartenders. Said bartender and I have had quite a few "moments" together so whenever he sees me with a guy, he always gives the guy so much attitude. That night, he was all about getting to know the other guy. It was weird. Shoes and I sat down at a bar table and instead of sitting across from me, he had to pull his chair right next to me. That was not necessary! There was practically no one in there and the music wasn't up loud. I don't like unnecessary touching or closeness. He proceeded to sing to me, the song just happened to be "Redneck Woman". Really dude? I actually like that song so please stop butchering it. I started yawning and he took it as a sign that it was time to go. He walked me to my car and we stood there talking for a few minutes. After awhile, he wasn't even listening to what I was saying because he was too busy staring at my lips. I knew he was going to to kiss. He asked before he did which I absolutely love. it's so cute when guys ask. I was not prepared for what happened next. I was clearly thinking with the wrong head because that one kiss turned into a full blown makeout session in front of my car, in the dirty parking lot. As I've always said, I like to keep shit classy. He was a good kisser and I just couldn't stop kissing him. It was bad, real bad. When we finally "untangled" ourselves, he asked me if he could come home with me because he didn't want the night to end. You can't be serious. I told him no because he needed to be there when his daughter woke up. He said it would be fine and that she would be taking care of. That answer didn't sit right with me. I told him that I would text him as soon as I knew when we could hang out.

I'm not alright with the fact that he was so willing to come home with me (on our second date!) and not worry about his daughter. That's another reason as to why I was hesitant to date him in the first place. He has a daughter, I didn't sign up to be a substitute mother. He's getting too attached way too quickly and I hate that. He texted me yesterday about how he had a shitty day because he hadn't heard from me all day and I had been the only thing that he thought about. Excuse me? Hop off my nuts, homie. We went on two dates and you're already acting like this. That doesn't make me want to see you again, at all, EVER. He also texted me this morning saying that he really wanted to see me again and that he was hoping that it would be sooner rather than later. I told him that I was working a double at the restaurant on Thursday and then I had  really busy day on Friday at work and then I was going home because I had to be at mommy's early on Saturday because I told her that I'd help her cook for her boyfriend's family party (there's definitely going to be a post about that shitshow). I wasn't actually trying to blow him off but my subconscious seemed to have a mind of its own. This is the response that I got from him "I'll tell you what, when you get a bit of free time on your planner, and you wanna hang, let me know. I don't think I have to tell you that I'm into you. Those cards were already on the table before our rainy day zoo experience. So I'd love to see you when you have some free time, just let me know".

Mackenzie now feels like an asshole. I know that he likes me but I still haven't decided whether or not I want to go with him again. I don't care that he's a great kisser, I need more than that. I need the pros to outweigh the cons. Every time I go out with a guy, no matter how long we date, hang out, whatever you want to call it, I always think about the future. Could I picture them in my future at some point? More often than not, the answer is no. Shane said it best: "I saw myself years from now. I saw my home. I saw my kids. I saw a woman...but the image of her face was very vague and indistinct. That didn't matter. I could tell everything I needed to know from the expression on future Shane's face. Laughter. Contentment. Happiness."

That statement sums up everything that I've been feeling lately. I see myself being happy in the future. I see my home, with my two sons running around. I just don't know the other half will be. It kills me that I can't see that. It's not fun having to date a bunch of losers that I know are only going to piss me off before I find an amazing guy. It's also not fun knowing that the one person I've already seen myself with in the future is already married.

Argh.