I should have known better

This is another letter to someone that will never read it, that's his loss.

We met a little less than a year ago. You came into the restaurant with some of my boys and sat in my section. I had seen you working at the dealership so I was immediately a lot nicer to you than I would be to a "random" table. I kept telling the guys that you were cute and that I wanted them to bring you in, they finally came thru for me. You were so cute when you asked me for a beer, I served it to you knowing full well that you weren't quite 21. Our first conversation was about belly button fucking. By the end of that, I was laughing so hard that I was crying. You were funny, you carried yourself well and I was smitten at first glance. I should have known that it was too good to be true.

You came back a few days later to sit in my section and I didn't have any other tables so I sat down with you. We talked about random shit and you kept me laughing. My cheeks had started hurting from laughing and smiling; it was just so easy with you. You asked me for my number while I was in the process of giving it to you. You smiled at me and brushed the hair out of my eyes. We had made plans to hang out that Friday night when I got off work. We stayed at the restaurant and drank because it was the only place that would serve you. Neither of us wanted the night to end so we went to the Diner and got grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon. We stayed there for hours just bullshitting and laughing. I finally took you back to your car and we sat, parked in the driveway, for another two hours. There was so much sexual tension, we could both feel it. We hadn't even done anything but the windows were already fogging up. I told you that I had to leave because I had to be back at the restaurant in 4 hours to help prepare for the street festival that we were participating in. You came around to my side of the car and you brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and asked if you could kiss me. My heart legitimately skipped a beat. You kissed me and it took my breath away, literally. I wasn't expecting such a seriously intense kiss from a guy your age.

You came to the festival and hung out. You met my dad because he just so happened to come by, you had an actual responsible adult conversation. He liked you. We made plans to hang out later that night after I went home and took a nap. I got to your place and we watched movies and cuddled. It was weird but I liked it. I liked hanging out with you, we always had a good time. You took me to your mom's birthday party and I met your family. I fell in love with them. To all the guys at the dealership, we were a pair. We acted like we were together, we didn't make plans without consulting the other person first.

And then things changed. I think that we got too close, too fast and it freaked you out. I was the only one that didn't have a problem with it. I was smitten and I did things for you that I never do for guys. I knew how much you wanted to go see Mac Miller in December but you had waited too late and the tickets were sold out. I found you $200 tickets (before they sold out, the tickets were $15) to a concert that I didn't even want to go to. I gave you the tickets as a Christmas present and told you to go with one of your boys. What did I get in return? An orgasm. I shouldn't have gotten you the tickets. I shouldn't have cleared my entire schedule for you on the day before Thanksgiving. You wanted a fucking philly cheesesteak from Geno's. You bitched and moaned about it the entire day before that I decided that I would drive you to Philly in a fuck ton of holiday traffic so that you could get your damn cheesesteak and then pass out in the car on the way back. I would have gone through with it had you not started bleeding from your vag like a little bitch.

I changed my plans for you and I got nothing in return. All my friends knew who you were but in the entire time that we were doing whatever it was that we were doing, I only met one of your friends. I brought you Starbucks when you didn't have time to go get it  before school. I had the flu and asked you if you could drop off some Nyquil on your way home from work. I knew that it was out of your way but you just couldn't be bothered. You had a New Year's Eve party at your place and didn't bother to say anything to me until the day of. You said that I should have known that I was already invited. Silly me! In January, I spent weeks preparing for this huge event at work, an event that I was running on my own. Every time I worked late and couldn't hang out, all you did was bitch and moan about how I never spent enough time with you. When I would come over after work and I was dead tired, I would lay down in your bed and I could barely keep my eyes open. You got mad because you didn't invite me over to sleep. The day of the event came and went. I had stayed up for days stressing out about it and the day of, we had breakfast and you asked me nothing about it. When my current boss offered me the job back in September, I was so fucking excited about it. You were the first person I told, you were excited for me.

At the time, all the effort that I was putting into our "relationship" seemed normal. Hindsight is 20/20. I was putting in 85% and you were putting in the rest. It frustrated me up until yesterday. I would always make plans for us to do stuff, per your request, and then you would bail at the last minute; that was your MO. I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes, I would sit by the phone and wait for you to call like you said you would. I was stupid  and I knew it but for some reason, I just couldn't let go. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out and stop wasting my time. It could have been the fact that you were the first guy, in a long time, that I actually liked and that I could actually see myself. You did nothing but take advantage on me and the way I treated you; I never realized it at the time.

I had two tickets to the Skins Ravens game, they were 3rd row fucking seats. You and I had always talked about going to a game last season but never made it. When I got the tickets, I immediately thought of you. I only wanted to go with you because I knew that we would have an amazing time. I asked you to go with me at the beginning of the week and you were so excited, we immediately started talking shit because we both root for different teams (you're stupid enough to be a Skins fan). In the back of my mind, I knew that you were going to bail at the last minute. Instead of waiting around for it to happen, I made plans for someone else to come with me. As predicted, you bailed on me the day before the game. I thanked you for being predictable. You actually had the never to get mad at me. You stupid fool. For once, I planned ahead so that I wouldn't be left high and dry for something that I really wanted to do. Seriously, they're third row seats!! If you can't get your shit together enough to be able to come to a damn football game with me for third row seats, I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. You came in to order lunch from me and you asked me why I was mad at you. I explained that I wasn't the slightest bit mad at you, I was mad at myself for still holding out hope for you...hope that maybe one day, you would come keep your word. After that conversation, I stopped hoping.

A little less than a year after I met you, thanks for finally putting things into perspective for me...better late than never.


  1. This is powerful, and very gripping. I saw so much of my own relationship experiences in this letter. It's inspiring me to do something similar.

    You know what struck me the most about this? The complete change in tone. In the beginning it starts off bittersweet. Loving. Nostalgic. And then dramatically shifts to letting out your raw emotions, telling him how you really feel, releasing the negativity that he put you through. I hope writing this was very cathartic for you.


  2. Writing it killed me because I finally had to come to terms with everything that I've been denying. I hate it when that happens. I'd much rather live in my own little bubble and be completely ignorant/in denial of everything unpleasant. I know that I'm an adult but is it still possible for me to feign ignorance and get away with it?!