Letter that you'll never read

Dear Corporal,

When I first met you, I wanted you. I loved your attitude, your personality and the fact that you smelled amazing didn't hurt either. You were dating someone at the time but when I met her at your birthday party, I didn't like her. At that point, I made it my mission to step in and take her place. Mission accomplished. I loved going out with you and your friends. More importantly, I grew to love your friends as if they were my own and we had known each other for years. We all did so much together and it became a given that when they asked you to come out and chill that I would be right there with you. Everywhere I went in Bethesda, I became known as "your girl". People that knew me from before you and I got together even started calling me that. We got so many compliments because people thought we made a great couple. That always made things a little awkward because we had never really had "the talk" about what we were doing and all that good shit. It was obvious to everyone around that we cared about each other. I came over to bring you medicine when you were sick and I sat with you for hours. I took your temperature, I gave you dayquil/nyquil, I went out in a thunderstorm  (huge thing because I had just got my hair straightened the day before) to get you food because KFC doesn't deliver. I brought you red bull while you were being all Scruff McGruff and taking a bite out of crime. I brought you starbucks because you were too lazy and hungover to drive over there and get it yourself. We had fun, we laughed, we joked, we cuddled, we had sex...we had pointless conversations and we quoted Family Guy. Then everything changed overnight.

Nine months and 8 weeks ago, you got a girl pregnant. You made sure to tell me first before I had heard it from anyone else. You said that you thought the baby was yours but you weren't sure. I knew you and I was positive that the baby was in fact yours. You took a paternity test after the baby was born, just to be sure but we all already knew the answer. Having found out this information, most girls would have gone sprinting in the opposite direction. I didn't...hindsight is 20/20. You asked me to be patient and see how the situation played out. Obviously, things as we knew them would never go back to being the same for anyone involved in the situation. I was happy for you and I wanted to meet your baby, you said that I could. That all changed when the baby mama realized that you and I were dating. She hated me, she resented me for the sheer fact that I was standing in the way of her and a happy relationship with the father of her child. Newsflash bitch: he doesn't want to be with you. I had absolutely nothing against her. In fact, I admired her for going through a pregnancy and then giving birth to YOUR child all by herself. That shit can't be easy for anyone to do.

Things changed between us. Your best friend told me that I wasn't making enough of an effort to show that I cared so I tried harder to hang out with you and all that good shit. I was the only one trying. I was the only one that was showing that I cared and that kills me because the easiest way to get me to pursue you is to ignore me. Nothing pisses me off more. After awhile, I just stopped asking you if you wanted to hang out with me and I just started hanging out with my boys again. When I walked in the door of your apartment last night, things didn't even feel right. We sat on the couch and watched Family Guy, we half-heartedly cuddled. We finally got in the bed and that entire situation just felt awkward. I was on one side of the bed and you were on the other. I was awakened at 4 in the morning with this uncontrollable urge to get dressed and leave your apartment, never to return again. I had to pace in your living room for a good 20 minutes before I could calm down and get back in the bed. The entire time, you were snoring your little heart out.

I really care about you and we had a lot of fun together but this whole "relationship" has been so one-sided with me being the only one that's making an effort. Don't think for a second that I'm mad at you for having a baby and wanting to be a part of his life. I have so much respect for you for that reason. What I don't appreciate is that I'm not allowed to meet your baby at all because his mother won't allow me to. You say that you care about me and that I'm important to you so I really don't understand why I cannot sit down with the mother of your child and have an adult conversation with her. I'd like to meet her and get to know her because I know that she's important to you and you care about her as well. I'm not allowed to basically be around you and the baby yet you can go to Hooters and meet all of our friends and play pass the baby?!?    That hurts me more that you'll ever know. The worst part is that I've communicated my feelings to you on numerous occasions and you've done nothing about it. I could never hold a candle to her because she's the mother of your child and you will always have a special relationship. Does she even know that?

I don't know why I stuck around for so long after the fact. I don't know what I was waiting for or if I was even waiting for anything but I do know that this isn't a fun game anymore. I wish you the best of luck and I don't doubt that you'll make an amazing father.

I know you'll never read this letter but I just had to get it out before I break down and start crying about it...that's not cute and it'll mess up my eye make-up. Priorities, duh.

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